more loose-ends, more resolutions

With the year already a quarter of the way complete I admit that I don't feel like I've accomplished nary a thing on my goals/resolutions list. It seems that the more loose-ends that I discover, the more resolutions I come to. After I went home in February I was "inspired" to shy away from writing and it appeared that avoiding everything was a good idea (it's not really, I realize this). So, here I am again with far too much to say because I left things unsaid for far too long. If you recall from my New Years Resolutions themed post in January I declared that instead of setting goals I would slow down and "in the process of tying my loose ends I will be aware of the process of being resolved." I don't feel resolved in anything. My life is continuing in it's state of chaos and disorder. The dysfunction perpetuates itself and I doubt if I will know anything different.

     Mounting Debts  

Between my student loan, personal "rent" debt, and other ridiculous expenses I am falling deeper into debt. I've been job searching with a bit more fervor lately because if I don't get another job (or 3) I don't think that I'll be able to continue in the direction I am going. Mom has mentioned more than once for me to "cut my losses" and move home so that I can just start again and as tempting as that is I don't want to admit failure just yet. I will exhaust every avenue until the only option left is to move home.

     Old Flames          

I don't know what I had in mind when I declared this as a loose end. Unpacking the baggage of my past relationships (and honestly, there are many, many more than I'd care to admit) seems like a good idea. My last relationship revealed exactly how that old weight can damage and even destroy. Historically my life has been dominated by romantic interest; it's likely that this pursuit of romance is a symptomatic cause of dysfunction. This gives me hope because I think that God will restore me and it will be a powerful testimony to his greatness and love. Not to mention that the enemy has a little black book that apparently he uses to send ex's back into my life. This is not cool. If it's not someone new then it's an old flame. Satan is a dooooosh. 

     New Addictions   

I started counseling in March because of a self-diagnosed "sin-addiction" that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. Though not clinically marked as an addictive issue that completely inhibits me from my daily life it was getting dangerous. Confessing wasn't enough and I don't know that an amount of accountability would cure me of it's grips. We are just three sessions in and I already have discovered a lot of understanding of myself. There is peace in knowing that the "addiction" that pressed me to pursue therapy is more a symptom than anything. 

     Mind-renewal      

This is happening as I experience healing in the other areas of my life. Counseling is helping with this a lot. As one who would never boast in brain-power ("I'm a feeler, not a thinker" and "I won't remember what you said but I will remember how you made me feel" are often my excuses) it's my hope to first become aware of things cognitively that way I can begin to understand things more completely. The brain is powerful. I hate that it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't even know how to think critically. Why is this a loose end and resolution again?

     Double Life         

After a dear friend helped me to realize that my double life is a short coming of mine and I've been working hard on merging myself together. Living two lives of lies is exhausting and sickening but yet here I find myself again. This is the side-effect of my "addiction" and "old flames" issues.

     Virtual Living      

Originally I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. While I have been much more active thanks to my internship at Mr. Zero's and volunteering as a mentor through 180 Degrees (not to mention a pretty great stint as the Decorations Director for my schools Multicultural Festival) I am still disappointed in myself. My need to collect everything (something that has potential to be a great strength) paired with identity insecurity and need for control over my chaotic life makes this a big challenge. As an Input* my counselor challenged me to learn how to develop that strength so that it can be more helpful than harmful. 

*Strengths Finder 

   Upcoming Posts:   

I'm certain that I'll begin to expand on some of these topics at more length later. I wrote a poem this week that I'll share too. In the mean while please read about my roadtrip with my mom that turned out to be a great, great day! And see what inspires me in the kitchen. I also updated my Testimony and am looking for book reading suggestions on my Bookshelf page. Last but certainly not least, I want to say thank you for reading my blog as inconsistent and wordy as it often is.

Home*

Forgive me if this is scattered and vague. As you can imagine there is some level of anonymity that I'd like to maintain by sharing this information discreetly; but in my desire to speak honestly about my life and testimony I offer you this post.

A few weeks ago I took a trip home to the small town in Northwest Wisconsin that raised me for half of my life. It's a place with more bars than churches and more people on the wrong side of the tracks than the right; it's run down, falling apart, and still one of the most beautiful places to be. It's a shame that I didn't capture any of those images except in my memory. My hometown is a   bittersweet  place for me because it represents a very dark time in my life. I was surrounded by a deepening, maddening depression that intruded on my sanity and joy. It's a time in my life that I associate with abuse, fear, poverty, drama, and something that goes beyond the normal coming-of-age identity crisis. In all honesty,   leaving was the best thing for  me and as an adult returning to the town that I was removed from has been something that I struggle with.

See, when I was a freshman the courts decided to send me to live with my grandparents. I was given 2 hours to pack all of my things and be ready to move. I wasn't allowed to say good bye to anyone, not even my little brother. There was also a "no contact" issue involved for my protection that prevented me from all ties to that part of my life. The experience has had a profound impact on my emotional development in the last 6 years and even now I am incredibly particular about closure and goodbyes. Leaving (or rather, disappearing) so abruptly left too much to the imagination of not only myself but also my friends in my "old" life. They didn't know if I had ran away, been taken away to either juvie, a girls home, or psych hospital, or if I had perhaps even killed myself (yeah, I was in a really dark place). The fear that life in my home town wouldn't function without me was paralyzing and not knowing what people thought of me was an obsessing thought that motivated me through the remaining years of high school.

After turning 18 and heading off to college I was finally free to pursue the loose-ends that were left from my relocation. I friended nearly everyone I could think of and was a slave to my "where are they now?" attitude; I rekindled some connections that were better left in disrepair. I went back home for the first time in 4 years in October 2009. I'm not sure if that first weekend set the pattern for ever following visit, or if perhaps there is a deeper something going on that causes me to freak out; either way I have never made it there and back without regrets. The first time was giving away my precious gift of purity. Which led me to become the other woman in another relationship and the death of dear friend. Last weekend, over 2 years since my first visit, the trend of irresponsible behaviour continued. I played the game and lead on a friend (who's more like family) then went beyond drunk and betrayed his trust by going with another fella. Ironically, this all happened on my ex's 9 month sober-versary.

I keep hoping this time will be different but when it comes to that small town, I always lose control.

I'm less than proud of my actions and am walking a fine line between shame and humility for fact that I live such a double life. It's been a week and I'm still processing through everything. I am trying to understand why this always happens. What little bits of wisdom I have come to realize are these:

1. I have to be responsible for myself at all times because:
• people are unreliable (that's just the way it is) and
• it's not their job to babysit me, even if I ask them to.
2. Drinking responsibly is more fun than blacking out portions of the night and making decisions that you regret for far longer than the time it took to make them.
3. I don't understand how anyone there can respect me when I have no self-respect. 

Well, that's that. 

on a personal note: chaos

Tonight has been one of those nights where God is giving  

a | b | u | n | d | a | n | t | l | y

and my arms are just overflowing with things to work through. 

My life is in dysfunction and in the healing process of becoming functional I'm in the stage of chaos between old and new behaviors. Chaos is a part of transformation. I'm trying to come back to my life-verse (Phil 3:8) and to pattern my life after it (read my about & bio if you're curious to know more)... this is how I want to function. But instead I'm increasing in my material wealth and have abandoned eternal, heavenly treasure-seeking. I'm blatantly unrepentant. 

The last six months have been one of  unfamiliar  darkness; this is self-imposed. 

I cried out to be changed but I'm seeing now that I've been in this changing motion all along. 

And if I'm in motion constantly then I cling to the hope that first begged my heart to change:

I am confident in this: the He who began a good work 

in you will bring it to completion at 

the day of Christ's return.

There are good things to come. 

not yet | but later*

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

*"not yet but later"  is my friend Justin's idea and little did I realize the depth of meaning behind such a simple phrase. We sat, parallel, and with doodles and lists on cheap notebook paper birthing the words of wisdom. I'm quite certain these words of wisdom are universal and I hope to use them where they see fit. 

Garbage Day

I just came back from meeting with a friend from college. She was a big influence in my life when we lived across the hall from each other my freshman year; we haven't gotten together since then, and hadn't even gotten to talk in depth since summer 2010!!! Yikes! She treated me to coffee and our time together was really good. I got to fill her in on my life from San Francisco until current (and relevant stuff prior to this season) and she filled me in on her life in the last few years as well. I feel blessed from our time. She has some of the most sincere and genuine faith out of anyone in my life, that is presented in a way that isn't just because of God's faithfulness in the "big" things but in the day to day life with Him. I confided in her that I'm currently at a point of recognizing the chaos and dysfunction in my life, and that (until a conversation with my roommate, Sara) I had a plan for re-purposing every area of my life, except the spiritual! Like I mentioned in my last message: I think it's time that I stop avoiding God. To be honest, that's plainly what I'm doing and it's foolish, for one cannot hide themselves from God!

In my conversation with Sara she called me out on a few things. Her assessment of my life was fair, and I received her kick-in-the-pants openly because in all honesty, she is right. I work maybe 30 hours a week, sleep 6-10 hours a day, and spend the rest of it virtually on myself meaning, literally virtually (online) and it's all centered around me and my "cool" lifestyle... read about it here. She encouraged me to get off my butt and serve somewhere. I'm blessed right now with a great deal of free time to use for the kingdom... and finding a second job (which is necessary to become truly financially stable). As she was pouring out this tough love I remembered a quote by Gandhi that was transforming for me in high school. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

When my life was in need of changing direction, I was propelled into motion while in service to others. It was after I began my active involvement in my home church that faith as living action happened in my life. It was after I started joining activities/sports in school that I made my homework a priority. It was after I volunteered in programs in my community that I learned personal responsibility. Kelsey said, "do first, feel later." You don't get the feel-good feelings and endorphin's from working out until after after you've ran 3 miles. You don't get true satisfaction from fleeting, deceitful feelings; in fact, they often lead us astray (though as we align with God's will, delighting in it, our desires--our feelings-- align with His, and that's why He loves to give us the desires of our hearts. That's true feeling, desire, and satisfaction.) 

I woke up the other morning and felt completely defeated. I remember tweeting: I'm not in a field, a maze, or on a train. I don't exist in those places. I am missing. Those are three different places that I've envisioned as metaphors for spiritual living. Yesterday, after going to Bloom church in the morning and then our fellowship gathering in the evening I became aware of why I can't identify my placement. Sara asked me a few weeks ago, "Janell, which Kingdom do you live in/for?" I didn't, couldn't, answer. But as our friends sat around last night talking about prayer, the body and the kingdom I realized that I haven't been living in the kingdom that God brought me into. In all honesty, I am fully living, serving, and pursuing a worldly life right now. 100%. It's like being adopted by the King into his kingdom, sharing in the inheritance, but choosing to remain living in the alleys of the town which he called you from. I've traveled from my home kingdom, to dwell in the filth of another. Not that I've lost my place or inheritance, but that I've left it behind because "the grass is greener" in the world (LIE); it's almost a prodigal story. There was some scripture shared that brought this together for me though I forget what verses.

As I write, God is gracing me with more vision to how each of these places are connected; they are one metaphor and not many! I'll share it with you once it's written out! Well, I wanted to have a more conclusive end to those first few paragraphs, but forget how I was going to tie it up. Perhaps just this thought: our lives are constantly in motion, no matter where we are. And that I have assurance (contrary to where I was a few years, even just 6 months ago) that I am sealed in the inheritance and that God won't let me wander astray forever. He will continue to call my name, inviting me home every time. I want to have a heart tuned to hear this call, and a spirit willing to obey, the strength to repent of myself, and a soul that longs for Home. I have done a good job in trying to quench that flame, but it's one that never goes out, thankfully! If you think to pray, pray that this flame would be fanned, and that the heat would warm my cold feet (my bridegroom is waiting for me), and that I would turn toward Him in humility, obedience and that I would be drawn to him, desiring him!

Garbage Day

It's been a few months since I slowed down and spent some time in my head. It's such a jumbled mess that I must first begin by untangling the ends, pulling the tight knit wad looser on all sides and then pulling each thread until the whole piles unravels. That is how we become

u | n | t | a | n | g | l | e | d

Sometimes in our lives things happen so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that we have no choice but to beg ourselves, "pinch me, I'm dreaming." I'm speechless with a thousand things to say and no words to express. I can only think in bullet points and lists right now.

on a personal note: the truth is

Darlings, December has arrived much the way that a bird changes direction to keep the wind beneath her wings. To myself I wonder, where did November go? She was here and in a moment was gone. Alas, this new month is welcomed because with it comes the tying of loose ends and resolution of another year gone by.

With regard to my own sin-struggles and current failings, this is damaging the sanity of our home. Over the summer, when I first came to visit I was welcomed, ushered in by the Spirit if you will. I knew this was a place of healing, and truth and deep peace. I knew this would be a home of war; I didn't know that it would be against one another. Some time in the last month a door has been opened and evil things have been twisting us up. Instead of fighting in Victory over our sinful nature we are fighting with each other. I have my own drafty doors and windows in my soul and heart.

Conviction, Submission, Confession

If you've read my latest post (me: in A-Z) then you were maybe a little bit shocked to discover some surprising secrets that I've held locked tightly inside me for a great length of time. I'm amazed at the distances that we will go to in order to hide our sins; I lied, told-half truths, or completely ignored these specific sins for 2 years. Now that this is coming to light it's obvious that even some of my closest friends were in the dark. Today I wanted to share with you some of the context to those confessions and the share their significance. But also to share the sufficient grace that God is abundantly pouring out over my life through conviction and confession. 

Understanding repentance is something that does not come easy to me. And understanding the love of God is an even more foreign concept. But the last 2 months have been a true testimony to the way that the Lord is faithfully unrelenting. You might remember that I was fully intending to move to San Francisco, California in September. There isn't a doubt in my heart and mind that it was a testing of my faith (just like God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac--sparing Isaac's life when Abraham was faithful and obedient). I bring this up because the hope that I had, knowing that God would satisfy and answer me, has come not out of moving but in staying.

Loss

Loss isn't anything new to me. When I was removed from my home in ninth grade and sent to live with my grandparents I felt a loss that was beyond anything I'd felt before; it was a radical change in my life; a pivotal experience in my testimony.

Mahatma Gandhi said that, "The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others." That quote was inspirational to me in high school and was even the start of a winning essay I wrote for a large scholarship. Pretty nearly defining how my high school career was spent, I still see the value in that statement as I have grown and matured spiritually along with me. After high school and through my time at college, however, it seemed that I wasn't so much losing myself in the service of others as much as it was just losing myself.

"Idols always break the hearts of their worshippers." (CS Lewis)

For a long time I felt myself disappearing, dying and wallowing in darkness. My prayer had been answered but I lacked understanding. Until hearing CS Lewis' quote I never made a connection between my brokenness and the relationships around me.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ. (Phil 3:8)

Giving up my pseudo-relationship with James is perhaps the most obvious and most recent example of God's work in my life through this scripture promise. It had been my prayer that I would loosen my grip on whatever it was that was keeping me from truly having Christ in Lordship over me and my life. I think that I knew it was him the whole time, but my pride told me that I could overcome the idol that James became on my own.

Finally, just like in ninth grade, God intervened and tore from me the thing that was between us. It's been bittersweet just like any loss is. But just like any loss there are such great gains and freedom! I've felt a peace, and wholeness since letting go of that relationship (though there is more healing before our friendship will be restored--God willing).

I wonder what other idols I have in my life? Or what other things God will call me to leave behind in this next season of life. Something tells me that I'm not done learning this lesson. I'm confident that the Lord is leading me onward to wonderful things.

"God is all that matters. My past isn't what defines me, refines me or even what guides me. God, help me let go of everything else, cling to you, forgive as you forgave me, and heal my heart. Arise in my life like you rose from the grave! From ashes to embers ablaze!

Tonight, affirmed to me that I need Christ to overcome my pain. I am so hurt by my friends that I can't even love them. And especially James... I mean, he was my best friend. For 1o months we talked more than anyone else. And then poof! It's all gone and there isn't even ashes left from our friendship! Ending our relationship didn't just mean breaking up. It meant ending everything. I guess I should be used to it by now. My friendships all tend to be that way.

Which is why, though it sucks, I'm going to be okay with the closing of my other friendships. Til all that remains is Christ. I just, I really hate that they don't seem to love me. It's like, I am something ugly that they avoid and can't stand to even look at. It's almost worse than the cold hearted and cruel way that Tate removed me from existence (in his world) in 9th grade. I didn't exist to him. I don't exist to them. I am nothing....

But, Christ is my victory. Christ is my joy. My light. My hope. My friend. And if losing all my other friends will help me love him and see him as all these things... if losing them means gaining him... JESUS, TAKE THEM! Be clear though, I need your guidance and I need the certainty of the conviction that comes with the Spirit! Please, help me. It hurts so badly sometimes."

“Light is sown for the righteous and joy for upright in heart.”

-psalm 97:11

Sunday, March 13th, 2011 pastor John Piper preached about Jesus' claim to be "the light of the world." (John 8:12)  Admittedly, I only heard the first few minutes of his message before being distracted by a conversation with another pastor. The moments of teaching that I did catch have struck a significant, though oddly muted, chord within my soul. Piper outlined 4 assumptions about the "light of the world" and it's meaning and importance:

1. There is no other light. There is Jesus (who is the light) and there is darkness. 
2. All need Jesus, the light. Just like all are fallen and need a savior. 
3. The world was made for this light.  
4. One day this light will remove all darkness from the world.

This is truth. Pulled from the Bible and hearing it on Sunday made it fresh in my ears. For some blessed reason God chose to reveal to me that the answer I am looking for is Jesus. The light I am looking for is Jesus. The joy I am looking for is Jesus. I was made for Jesus. And Jesus was made to remove all the darkness from my world!

The Lighthouse

Sitting in my dingy ship I have had plenty of time to think. There is a quiet rhythm to the work God is doing in my life. Darkness like a sickness has threatened the deep, abounding and steady joy that seemed to define and radiate from within me. Once upon a time I pulled from that internal light and it powered me to serve in my church, school, and community with a smile, positivity and optimism. The degradation of that girl has been an uncomfortable loss and I've struggled with who I've become; who am I any more?

I can only speculate that the reason that I have felt so shrouded by staggering darkness is that these hazel eyes have closed to the Light of the World. Spiritually I have suffered and suffocated myself in the blackness of the world rather than opening my eyes to follow the Light.

In February I wrote a post about the break down of my friend group. In it I rejoiced at the works God was doing in my life through that situation. He is still working in this but something else stood out from the lines of scripted testimony. "I feel myself walking out of darkness and into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). That joy, light and happiness that I have thirsted and hungered for in the beginning of this year has been seeping and peeking through my heart lately....A glint of True Joy has encouraged my soul." [excerpt from my blog post How Do You Measure a Year?] 

I have been trying to row my boat all over the seas of life without drinking the satisfying, unending and eternal rivers of life that Jesus provides. I have fought against the Anchor that has faithfully kept me in the center of inky oceans without opening my eyes to see that there is Light in the darkness. Now, with hands free and eyes beginning to open there in sight is a light house! A bright, tall and strong tower of safety. With the opening of my eyes came an opening of my heart.

Follow me.

the voice commanded.

Without taking the wooden oars into my hand my ship is led by the Anchor towards the safe harbor of Light in the distance.  Startled by the motion I fearfully reach for the paddles and begin to row but I only start veering off course. When I remove my bone-white fingers from the devices the Anchor again leads me towards the Light. This pattern of trust and fear and trust and fear damages the integrity of my ship. 

Jesus calls us to follow him. To follow Christ is to have Christ and to follow the Light is to have the Light of Life (also John 8:12). It's this Life of Light through Jesus Christ that super powered my heart and overflowed into my work. He is the supernatural source that shone through my smiley demeanor. The sincerity of my encouraging words to others came from the assurance of humble and obedient joy in God!

I've tried to follow Him with my hands gripping wooded oars and eyes closed; now with open hands and open eyes maybe this is the internal change I have been looking for. I'm beginning to feel my heart wanting not only the joy and light it once used to bask in, but the true source. I can't wait to reach that Harbor of Light, and the strong radiant Lighthouse at it's center!

The Anchor

Life is wonderfully interesting. It's as if I am on a boat surrounded by complete blackness and the waters are awfully choppy, but not overwhelming. Sometimes I sit in terror with my arms holding to the sides of the boat, eyes closed tightly.The vast darkness seems less frightening with lids drawn together. Sometimes I row frantically trying to escape the unknown storm around me. The waves lap against the wood of my oars. All of my best efforts to take my vessel further from the center of the tempest fail; I am held firm by an anchor running down into the deepest depths of the water.


My desperate fingers seek to loose the chain, but find an unmovable rope. Every attempt to unlace the thick cord from my boat fails until eventually the challenge is abandoned. How much longer will this darkness capture my ship? Idle frustration builds until the breaks in the waves become a comfortingly familiar echo in my defeated mind. No more struggling to flee from the anchor, only a bitter acceptance of each slap of water against the decaying sides of the ship. My hands return to the rim resting uneasily and afraid to release their grip.


Let go.
a voice commands.


I am incited many more times before my fingers unlace from their safe embrace of one another. Darkness still surrounds me but I am no longer afraid. With the unfolding of my hands came an opening of my heart. I realize that the anchor isn't what is hurting me, but the darkness I feared. The Anchor is keeping me from being swept away by the frantic winds and spinning currents. The strong tether between my small, useless dinghy and my Anchor is perfectly made. This understanding travels down from my eyes into my heart assuring me that I am exactly where I was made to be.


Jesus is the Anchor. He is the lifeline holding me from the endlessly eclipsed ocean.

Time is a Funny Thing

Time is a funny thing, it passes more and more quickly with each year. 2011 has been passing with a speed unlike any year before. What have I to show for it? Even though I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions I did set a few goals for myself this year. Regrettably, I do not believe that I have accomplished nearly as much as I would have hoped to have done by now...my music still needs to be de-cluttered, my photo albums organized and properly maintained, and I haven't paid my personal debts back (actually, they have increased!). I figured out a payment plan for my schooling, though I've irresponsibly procrastinated in paying it. Likewise, my "bills" and rent haven't  been paid at all this year thanks to the good graces of my mother! I haven't worked out even once a week for most of this year, my eating is pretty out of control and I've spent most of my money on food (for others as well as my self...).  I've inconsistently been disciplined in my faith practices; my spiritual growth has felt stunted. 

How Do You Measure a Year?

How Do You Measure a Year?

In cups of coffee? In alarms snoozed? 

Hugs? Hello's? Maybe in miles spent or moments shared?

Friends gained? Enemies made?

It's been about a year since my dad dropped me off outside Bethlehem Baptist Church on a windy and sunny Sunday morning; It was my first time there. Jordan had invited me to hang out at his church after we had hung out a few times before. I arrived early with my backpack, a duffel bag, a pillow and sat huddled on the floor for about 40 minutes waiting for him. Smelling like smoke and mildew I am not surprised that not a single soul acknowledged me which encouraged my quickly retreating confidence to further pull back. Surrounded by unfamiliar faces I was flooded with relief when I received the text from Jordan saying that he was finally there. Moments later he appeared and two others tagged along. Somewhat awkward casual greetings were exchanged and then we four headed into the service (which had already started). We sat along the back wall on the floor. I was incredibly uncomfortable and insecure because I knew that I smelled raunchy. But everyone was polite and friendly, not mentioning my odor. After being dismissed we exited the sanctuary and more fully did introductions. The first was Shea: the silent conversationalist. She was tall and plainly beautiful, looking remarkably like her older sibling. Robert was long-haired and visually out of place amongst the sea of Sunday's best dressed. A few visits later would reveal more friends and as winter became spring, and spring finally warmed to summer the group had been defined with Jordan, DeLaney, Robert, Crystal, James and Shea. Of course other's are intermingled within the time contained in a year, but these were my Lovely Jankies: The beloved friends of inner circle of my heart.

It's been 2 weeks since what I call "the breakup" which really is just the end of something good, and the beginning of something better. Beyond the romantically inclined relationship that I had with James (which will be blogged about soon, I promise!) the break up of the group has been heavy on my heart lately. The ones that I once called my friends, now sometimes feel like my enemies. Just saying that makes my heart turn and twist a little.

...slow spinning redemption...

I'm considering moving to Joplin, MO with Opal in a few weeks. Only a back pack of belongings, living out of the car, and a fresh start is an appealing opportunity. I’ve dreamt of leaving and pursuing the gypsy lifestyle for a while but is it really the answer to my desires? I consider the things keeping me here like my friends (however fragile those relationships may be), my schooling (which is on hold anyways), my family (who may frown upon my adventurous flight) and my God (with whom I bear the heaviest consequences for this choice). In my mind I have already decided to go but something radically has changed and uncertainty steeps my excitement. It seems silly, but my hopeful heart begs me to ask the question: am I giving up too easily and too soon on everything?

It goes beyond my relationship with James.  It’s been a slow breakdown of the 6…my lovely jankies have degraded, deformed, and deteriorated as the days have grown shorter (and the nights longer). Now as the sun begins retreating later in the evening, I wonder if there will be any peace, healing and restoration within our group. I’m considering that perhaps Jak is right: the truth of Ecclesiastes 3 is speaking to my life right now. If everything has a season and a purpose then maybe we have run the course of and fulfilled ours. A conversation with Mrs. H comes to mind as I recall her comments one sunny, Sunday morning. The word for word exchange escapes me but I do remember she expressed a sincere speculation about the seasonal longevity of the group’s intimate involvement. Would we survive the end of summer? 

"us"

  

Relationships are not supposed to be easy and they are not meant to be hard, confusing, frustrating or hurtful either; being caught up in a loosely defined relationship has definitely proven this to me! Right now, James and I are coming out of a pretty rough spot in our friendship-relationship. After talking with his parents a while back about dating, relationships, "us" and the like...things started getting a little bit messier. Mr. and Mrs. B asked us the same thing we had been trying to answer for ourselves: what are we? It was the long overdue, much needed DTR (define the relationship). So many of the problems between us, in hindsight, appear to be caused by the fact that we didn't know what to call this, our relationship. See, labels like "just friends" or "dating" are important because each has correlating expectations, boundaries, and levels of communication/commitment/intimacy.

The Forest

we are in the forest, walking. 

it goes on endlessly.

radiant, glorious light comes from every angle.

it floods the forest with love.

we are all questing after the source of the light.

that is why we are here, walking.

the tree's are tall.

the path is rocky, narrow.

sometimes we see footprints of those who came before us.

sometimes the path has never been trod upon.

i was in this forest. 

stumbling through the dense growth.

my clumsy feet trip on roots and rocks.

often times i wander, aimlessly. lost.

and He comes along.

He takes my hand, and gently leads me forward.

but many times i unlace my fingers from His.

Honesty.

God, where is my passion? My drive? My desire? I feel so numb. I do not even feel the pure joy that a year ago and more I could not contain. This summer has been a break down of my joy. I have come to the waters but they are still. I know that they are rushing somewhere...but not here. The water at my feet is still and the only movement comes from the ripples created by my restless shifting weight. God, this is not like you...you are not restless or still or dispassionate. 

Am I in the wrong place? What is the source of this water that I am at? What good is the water if You are not the source? Are the headwaters of this pool waters of worldliness or waters of selfishness? Please pull me from this stagnant water. Though only deep enough to cover my toes I am still drowning. Clinging to dying, fruitless trees to keep me from going under I am dying too. Help me let go! I want to cling to you! Not these logs!

You are living and perfect and far more satisfying than these waters. 

You are far more satisfying than the company of this dying forest. Bring me to Your mighty and rushing, beautifully turbulant, living and moving waters. They will never fail to quench my thirst! I want to drink, splash, play, dance, kneel, pray in the rivers of righteousness. God, You are living water. I am alive, but not living. Change my heart, Lord.

Desire

"i thought maybe my head had returned from the clouds, and i was grounded again. this time for real. but not anymore. i feeling like i am falling. not floating like before. i am falling. spinning head over heels reaching out, Jesus take my hand. please pull me from this...oh my God. I feel insane!!!! "

That's what I almost said to you. But instead I brought it here. It's easier to talk here. This is documented, so I can replay my craziness over and over. So I can see God's power as He brings me through the chaos and into His arms.

Now, let me explain...
Desire is a most peculiar thing.
I am seeing that what I want is wanting me. Or so it seems.
And wanting it this badly is scary. The Want is overwhelming lately. The Want came suddenly, swelling like storm cloud. The Want came bursting forth with a presence that I cannot ignore or dismiss this time. I thought we had cornered, tamed and caged it! God, You put it back in its place...so why is it back? Did I unknowingly unleash it? Did that part of me that is so deeply hidden that I barely know she is there do this?

Lord, please don't let this turn into something it's not. Help me to see with clarity; Make me see truth and not lies. They can be so hard to distinguish sometimes. Give me a discerning heart and a peaceful mind. God, your will is perfect. Amazingly, awe-inspiring perfect. Reveal it to me according to your goodness and love. Make  my steps clear before me. Help me to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Help me be restrained in my thoughts...not to fill my mind with desires that are for anything but you! God, I don't want to be swept away because I am not grounded in you. 


The enemy can twist and distort things which can make my judgement more than unfair.
I have been living with two maps in my hands. But the more closely I look at them the more similar they become. The two timelines that were once competing now seem to line up. One map was drawn from logic and reason and fear; the other from feeling, and a weak desire for righteousness. God, help me see Your timeline. Write yours over mine.
And please don't let this be more than goodnight. I can't say goodbye again. Not again. I don't want to lose a friendship because of spiritual failings. God, why the fuck do I always get caught up on this shit?! Ahhhh! Even the good boys are blinding me. woah. That is not fair to say. This is not his fault; Lord, my lack of emotional self-control is creating an idol out of this gift of friendship. I see this, now help me, make me change. Use this to teach me the very thing that brought me here. Wake me up with your eyes, to see with wisdom and love. God, hear these prayers written here, and the ones still trapped inside my heart. Now let me listen.

There, I don't feel dizzy anymore.
But now I am paralyzed with fear.
What if not running is actually the wrong thing?
I hope he can see the truth better than me...and I hope and pray he follows it.
Goodnight. Not goodbye. Please.

Ruined?

My mom woke me up this morning like usual so I could bring her to work. I got home, grabbed at glass of juice, my ESV and then sat on the steps outside my door. The sunlight was warm as it streamed across the pages of my bible and I started to read. About a week ago James and I started going through Genesis starting with Abraham and we were going to keep reading until we came to Jesus! The past few nights I have really been slacking and with how things have become between us, I wasn't sure that I would continue on with out him. But this morning I picked up where I left off in Genesis 29 where Jacob leaves to find a wife. A few minutes into reading I heard my text tone and when I opened the message it was a tweet from James. It said:

"Yes James you have just ruined one of your best friendships how does it feel?"

My heart sank. Completely fell from my chest to my feet. Of course, my first assumption was that this was about us. Which maybe it is. But who knows, maybe he is also having trouble with other friends??? Anyways, the sinking feeling was incredibly temporary! I was overwhelmed with this thought:

This friendship isn't ruined!!! This, this is Restoration!!! God is in control, and the time that James and I have to take apart from one another is a gift!