Garbage Day

It's been a few months since I slowed down and spent some time in my head. It's such a jumbled mess that I must first begin by untangling the ends, pulling the tight knit wad looser on all sides and then pulling each thread until the whole piles unravels. That is how we become

u | n | t | a | n | g | l | e | d

Sometimes in our lives things happen so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that we have no choice but to beg ourselves, "pinch me, I'm dreaming." I'm speechless with a thousand things to say and no words to express. I can only think in bullet points and lists right now.

• I was at work when we were robbed at gunpoint.

It was a little after 8pm last Thursday, and I had JUST clocked out (early, even though I had a lot more work to do). It was one of the most unreal, insane things I have ever experienced. I was in the back just starting dishes when I heard shouting. I turned around to view the monitor and saw a man holding a long barreled gun and he was charging towards the cash register. The words he was saying didn't register right away. I started to walk up front to see what was going on (thinking it was an off-duty coworker goofing off) and that’s when I realized what the man was saying my first instinct was to run out the back door abandoning my coworker and any customers we had. As I shifted to do that I thought to myself, “no, don't.” So next I began to reach for the phone and the robber called back to me saying: don’t try anything. I know you’re back there. I fell to my knees and just watched the rest of the event from the grainy, black and white monitor. He got the money, and ran out of the store. It was the longest 32 seconds of my life.

• Justin and I broke up.

The relationship was everything I wanted and dreamed about since I was a younger-girl. It was unhealthy, wonderful, confusing, physical, carnal, pure, mature, broken. It was wrong. There isn't much to say (okay, there's tons to say but I'm tired of talking about it. I don't really want to deal with it right now). Look forward to a future post detailing the relationship and processing through the mess of it all. 

• Levi is intruding on the fringe of my life.

I thought that I was over this. I thought we were done with this. I thought that by now, almost a year later that he would have let go of some of the hurt too. {okay, Janell, slooooooooow down...} Levi (James) has come by my new house 2 times on Sunday nights to pick up Isaac (Jordan) and Arianna (Chrystal) from Sunerchomai. I think this is going to be a continuing trend. It's no secret that there has been some mutual bitterness and hurt shared between us. To be honest, I believed that all of it was in my head. But I had 2 friends approach me and confirm Levi's glares and snarky comments. Glad to know it's not just my imagination. And, though it concerns me I am not devoting too much time to dwelling on it. You can expect more thoughts on this later though.

on {another} personal note

ACR declined to hire me so I am still looking for a second job; after a few weeks at Subway where my hours were scarce I realized that in order to make ends meet I honestly need to be working at least 40hours a week. Being poor, but completely provided for is like being between a rock and a hard place. I'm not even living paycheck to paycheck anymore. I'm living a few too many paychecks in debt. And I want to go back to school? Things around the house have been better lately. Issak living with us is a huge blessing, and our greater family is a support and blessing.

     100 thanks and givings     


79. my Sunerchomai family's support and help 2 weeks ago, and everyday since
80. Lindsay's check-ins with me, even if inconsistent
81. Thankful for going to the gym today with Laura.
82. Being too poor to afford a bus downtown.
83. Not having a car right now (the temptation to show up at his house is strong).
84. Mr. Zero's (I'm volunteering there, working on getting an internship with him).