Fact

I would rather slow down, stop, reverse, or get out of the car (passenger seat of course) than to do the wrong thing. I love you, brother.

Desire

"i thought maybe my head had returned from the clouds, and i was grounded again. this time for real. but not anymore. i feeling like i am falling. not floating like before. i am falling. spinning head over heels reaching out, Jesus take my hand. please pull me from this...oh my God. I feel insane!!!! "

That's what I almost said to you. But instead I brought it here. It's easier to talk here. This is documented, so I can replay my craziness over and over. So I can see God's power as He brings me through the chaos and into His arms.

Now, let me explain...
Desire is a most peculiar thing.
I am seeing that what I want is wanting me. Or so it seems.
And wanting it this badly is scary. The Want is overwhelming lately. The Want came suddenly, swelling like storm cloud. The Want came bursting forth with a presence that I cannot ignore or dismiss this time. I thought we had cornered, tamed and caged it! God, You put it back in its place...so why is it back? Did I unknowingly unleash it? Did that part of me that is so deeply hidden that I barely know she is there do this?

Lord, please don't let this turn into something it's not. Help me to see with clarity; Make me see truth and not lies. They can be so hard to distinguish sometimes. Give me a discerning heart and a peaceful mind. God, your will is perfect. Amazingly, awe-inspiring perfect. Reveal it to me according to your goodness and love. Make  my steps clear before me. Help me to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Help me be restrained in my thoughts...not to fill my mind with desires that are for anything but you! God, I don't want to be swept away because I am not grounded in you. 


The enemy can twist and distort things which can make my judgement more than unfair.
I have been living with two maps in my hands. But the more closely I look at them the more similar they become. The two timelines that were once competing now seem to line up. One map was drawn from logic and reason and fear; the other from feeling, and a weak desire for righteousness. God, help me see Your timeline. Write yours over mine.
And please don't let this be more than goodnight. I can't say goodbye again. Not again. I don't want to lose a friendship because of spiritual failings. God, why the fuck do I always get caught up on this shit?! Ahhhh! Even the good boys are blinding me. woah. That is not fair to say. This is not his fault; Lord, my lack of emotional self-control is creating an idol out of this gift of friendship. I see this, now help me, make me change. Use this to teach me the very thing that brought me here. Wake me up with your eyes, to see with wisdom and love. God, hear these prayers written here, and the ones still trapped inside my heart. Now let me listen.

There, I don't feel dizzy anymore.
But now I am paralyzed with fear.
What if not running is actually the wrong thing?
I hope he can see the truth better than me...and I hope and pray he follows it.
Goodnight. Not goodbye. Please.

Sober

I was lovesick. Love drunk.

Blinded, with diamonds in my eyes.

I put my hope and joy in our relationship, robbing God of my affections.

That was wrong of me to do. The bible calls it idolatry. Sin. Forgive me, Father for indulging in something outside of You! You are most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in You. It was so silly of me to justify my actions by claiming that you were being brought glory by focusing on my relationship with James. Sure, we sought you (he more than I, certainly) and worked on making our relationship more godly, appropriate, healthy, paced, etc. All of those things surely bring some glory to Your name. But it's a "handful of pebbles" compared to the infinite grains of sand that finding my satisfaction in You brings!

It was most strongly manifested in "the Letter" that I wrote. Written to assure him of all the things that we were trying to deal with and understand, it became a product of my obsession. In the innate quest for love, I got lost in searching for the Perfect Love that is God. I was falling in love with falling in love. I made a map for you to follow hoping that it would be enough. Pulling from the books and resources and experiences that relationships has taught me I was certain that it was nearly perfect. Of course, I realized that it was imperfect and I conceded to the idea that He might have something better planned. (That idea excited me, by the way. Being so proud of my well-thought out map and timeline...but knowing that God's was wayyyyy better!)

Grounded

Dictionary.com Word of the Day for Oct. 1st, 2010

Satori: n. Sudden, indescribable, intuitive enlightenment.

It stems from the Zen Buddishm term meaning "to awaken".

Sometimes I feel like a tornado. Not in the wildly destructive way that is normally associated with the term. So often I feel like I am going in circles, carelessly traveling through life without direction or purpose. At the very least I feel static. There is a struggle inside of me that screams for passion while choking on that same desire for more.