"God is all that matters. My past isn't what defines me, refines me or even what guides me. God, help me let go of everything else, cling to you, forgive as you forgave me, and heal my heart. Arise in my life like you rose from the grave! From ashes to embers ablaze!
Tonight, affirmed to me that I need Christ to overcome my pain. I am so hurt by my friends that I can't even love them. And especially James... I mean, he was my best friend. For 1o months we talked more than anyone else. And then poof! It's all gone and there isn't even ashes left from our friendship! Ending our relationship didn't just mean breaking up. It meant ending everything. I guess I should be used to it by now. My friendships all tend to be that way.
Which is why, though it sucks, I'm going to be okay with the closing of my other friendships. Til all that remains is Christ. I just, I really hate that they don't seem to love me. It's like, I am something ugly that they avoid and can't stand to even look at. It's almost worse than the cold hearted and cruel way that Tate removed me from existence (in his world) in 9th grade. I didn't exist to him. I don't exist to them. I am nothing....
But, Christ is my victory. Christ is my joy. My light. My hope. My friend. And if losing all my other friends will help me love him and see him as all these things... if losing them means gaining him... JESUS, TAKE THEM! Be clear though, I need your guidance and I need the certainty of the conviction that comes with the Spirit! Please, help me. It hurts so badly sometimes."
