Estate Sale

I think I need to find a third or fourth job this summer just to accommodate my new found passion for Estate Sales. Hannah (our new roommate, in case I haven't mentioned that yet... she moved in at the start of April) and I were on our way back from lunch when I saw the sign. "I've always wanted to go to one of those." I casually mentioned. "Oh, we have to! Do you want to?" "Yes! Really? Alsdadglkjlkd!!!" And so we went. It was more than thrilling.

When we first pulled up the garage was pretty bare and yet we still found a great Victorian "Instant Garden". It's ten feet of annuals and perennials of many kinds (which is perfect since we have been talking about starting the gardens this spring!) Inside we explored a little bit and made it to the kitchen where I snapped up the Sunbeam electric mixing and Ground Cloves spice (a must have for all of my baking and cooking

Then we made it into the bedroom where we def raided "grandpa's closet" it seemed like. Hannah found like 6 great leather belts (some where for women and some were mens). I found two pairs of legwarmers that I can't wait to use this fall! There were also some great button up mens shirts but we passed on them.

The last stop was the sun room where I picked up 8 terra cotta planters! The one small sized one is cracked but usable. The 6 mini pots came in a little green house box that's actually shaped like a green house. I've been wanting to start a micro garden and these will be perfect! I think Justin said he had some seeds maybe to share with me. Hannah too loves the idea of growing self-sustaining gardens. And as a vegetarian she can appreciate the fresh herbs and spices!

It was an impromptu adventure that we both agree must happen again.

a freely written poem

words, loose
unbound by premeditated thought
let's a rhythmic beat unfold
as pen drags across pages:
blank and white
and waiting.

inspiration comes like the waves of the sea:
lapping, sloppy, against the shore.
THIS IS WHERE I AM FREE.


an audience, captivated and anticipating
traces my prose; each line in search
of something that reveals identities and relates
to the parts that are tangled and knotted.

meaning found
in between the tick-tock of moments gone by
and the still-frames that linger even with closed eyes.
THESE ARE CALLED MEMORIES.


words, loose
bound in existence, permanently placed
where stars and galaxies share.

by: me, April 11, 2012

more loose-ends, more resolutions

With the year already a quarter of the way complete I admit that I don't feel like I've accomplished nary a thing on my goals/resolutions list. It seems that the more loose-ends that I discover, the more resolutions I come to. After I went home in February I was "inspired" to shy away from writing and it appeared that avoiding everything was a good idea (it's not really, I realize this). So, here I am again with far too much to say because I left things unsaid for far too long. If you recall from my New Years Resolutions themed post in January I declared that instead of setting goals I would slow down and "in the process of tying my loose ends I will be aware of the process of being resolved." I don't feel resolved in anything. My life is continuing in it's state of chaos and disorder. The dysfunction perpetuates itself and I doubt if I will know anything different.

     Mounting Debts  

Between my student loan, personal "rent" debt, and other ridiculous expenses I am falling deeper into debt. I've been job searching with a bit more fervor lately because if I don't get another job (or 3) I don't think that I'll be able to continue in the direction I am going. Mom has mentioned more than once for me to "cut my losses" and move home so that I can just start again and as tempting as that is I don't want to admit failure just yet. I will exhaust every avenue until the only option left is to move home.

     Old Flames          

I don't know what I had in mind when I declared this as a loose end. Unpacking the baggage of my past relationships (and honestly, there are many, many more than I'd care to admit) seems like a good idea. My last relationship revealed exactly how that old weight can damage and even destroy. Historically my life has been dominated by romantic interest; it's likely that this pursuit of romance is a symptomatic cause of dysfunction. This gives me hope because I think that God will restore me and it will be a powerful testimony to his greatness and love. Not to mention that the enemy has a little black book that apparently he uses to send ex's back into my life. This is not cool. If it's not someone new then it's an old flame. Satan is a dooooosh. 

     New Addictions   

I started counseling in March because of a self-diagnosed "sin-addiction" that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. Though not clinically marked as an addictive issue that completely inhibits me from my daily life it was getting dangerous. Confessing wasn't enough and I don't know that an amount of accountability would cure me of it's grips. We are just three sessions in and I already have discovered a lot of understanding of myself. There is peace in knowing that the "addiction" that pressed me to pursue therapy is more a symptom than anything. 

     Mind-renewal      

This is happening as I experience healing in the other areas of my life. Counseling is helping with this a lot. As one who would never boast in brain-power ("I'm a feeler, not a thinker" and "I won't remember what you said but I will remember how you made me feel" are often my excuses) it's my hope to first become aware of things cognitively that way I can begin to understand things more completely. The brain is powerful. I hate that it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't even know how to think critically. Why is this a loose end and resolution again?

     Double Life         

After a dear friend helped me to realize that my double life is a short coming of mine and I've been working hard on merging myself together. Living two lives of lies is exhausting and sickening but yet here I find myself again. This is the side-effect of my "addiction" and "old flames" issues.

     Virtual Living      

Originally I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. While I have been much more active thanks to my internship at Mr. Zero's and volunteering as a mentor through 180 Degrees (not to mention a pretty great stint as the Decorations Director for my schools Multicultural Festival) I am still disappointed in myself. My need to collect everything (something that has potential to be a great strength) paired with identity insecurity and need for control over my chaotic life makes this a big challenge. As an Input* my counselor challenged me to learn how to develop that strength so that it can be more helpful than harmful. 

*Strengths Finder 

   Upcoming Posts:   

I'm certain that I'll begin to expand on some of these topics at more length later. I wrote a poem this week that I'll share too. In the mean while please read about my roadtrip with my mom that turned out to be a great, great day! And see what inspires me in the kitchen. I also updated my Testimony and am looking for book reading suggestions on my Bookshelf page. Last but certainly not least, I want to say thank you for reading my blog as inconsistent and wordy as it often is.

inspiration: home sweet home: kitchen

My last trip home was an experience that drew from within me a sort of reverence for not-so-city life (in addition to the myriad of personal revelations). Time spent away from the city was refreshing. And though I'm entertaining the idea of moving into the city of Minneapolis I am wary of urban dwelling. The introverted side of me begs and pleads to abandon society and to adopt myself into a hermit lifestyle in a cabin far, far from anyone else. 

Anyways. I've been finding inspiration for my future home, city or country, on Tumblr and Pinterest. Sadly, I don't know the actual sources so if you do please tell me and I'll be sure to cite them immediately!

kitchen:

I'm entertaining the idea of using my home (and especially my kitchen) as a place to serve people. Dinner is an open door policy in my heart and what if every night friends and strangers alike could come together to dine? Imitating the service of fellowship that we share when we Sunerchomai isn't entirely out of the question either.

“Come, everyone who thirsts,come to the waters;

and he who has no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without price.

Isaiah 55: 1

On another mostly related note: Justin's veganism is wearing off on me and the more that I learn about what I'm eating the more I am drawn to sustainable living (which unless I raise my own animals) would mean a fairly vegan lifestyle. The concept of living off of my own supply is fascinating to me especially considering the nature of the world and where it's going. Let's add that to the list of things to do sooner rather than later. Well, I'm sure I'll expand on these thoughts some other time but for now I have quite the to-do list!