Loss

Loss isn't anything new to me. When I was removed from my home in ninth grade and sent to live with my grandparents I felt a loss that was beyond anything I'd felt before; it was a radical change in my life; a pivotal experience in my testimony.

Mahatma Gandhi said that, "The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others." That quote was inspirational to me in high school and was even the start of a winning essay I wrote for a large scholarship. Pretty nearly defining how my high school career was spent, I still see the value in that statement as I have grown and matured spiritually along with me. After high school and through my time at college, however, it seemed that I wasn't so much losing myself in the service of others as much as it was just losing myself.

"Idols always break the hearts of their worshippers." (CS Lewis)

For a long time I felt myself disappearing, dying and wallowing in darkness. My prayer had been answered but I lacked understanding. Until hearing CS Lewis' quote I never made a connection between my brokenness and the relationships around me.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ. (Phil 3:8)

Giving up my pseudo-relationship with James is perhaps the most obvious and most recent example of God's work in my life through this scripture promise. It had been my prayer that I would loosen my grip on whatever it was that was keeping me from truly having Christ in Lordship over me and my life. I think that I knew it was him the whole time, but my pride told me that I could overcome the idol that James became on my own.

Finally, just like in ninth grade, God intervened and tore from me the thing that was between us. It's been bittersweet just like any loss is. But just like any loss there are such great gains and freedom! I've felt a peace, and wholeness since letting go of that relationship (though there is more healing before our friendship will be restored--God willing).

I wonder what other idols I have in my life? Or what other things God will call me to leave behind in this next season of life. Something tells me that I'm not done learning this lesson. I'm confident that the Lord is leading me onward to wonderful things.