Conviction, Submission, Confession

If you've read my latest post (me: in A-Z) then you were maybe a little bit shocked to discover some surprising secrets that I've held locked tightly inside me for a great length of time. I'm amazed at the distances that we will go to in order to hide our sins; I lied, told-half truths, or completely ignored these specific sins for 2 years. Now that this is coming to light it's obvious that even some of my closest friends were in the dark. Today I wanted to share with you some of the context to those confessions and the share their significance. But also to share the sufficient grace that God is abundantly pouring out over my life through conviction and confession. 

Understanding repentance is something that does not come easy to me. And understanding the love of God is an even more foreign concept. But the last 2 months have been a true testimony to the way that the Lord is faithfully unrelenting. You might remember that I was fully intending to move to San Francisco, California in September. There isn't a doubt in my heart and mind that it was a testing of my faith (just like God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac--sparing Isaac's life when Abraham was faithful and obedient). I bring this up because the hope that I had, knowing that God would satisfy and answer me, has come not out of moving but in staying.

Conviction

September was the deepest depths of conflict for me against some major sin-struggles that I've had for quite a while. While I was indulging my flesh, the Spirit began gently nudging me and convicting me. It started when a friend posted in a fellowship group that I am a part of on Facebook; he wrote, “You can't call yourselves Christians but live as atheists.” With confession and repentance already on my mind I was convicted in this: that I cannot keep living my life in the dark, while claiming to walk in the light. In the same forum I confessed that I am not living as a Christian should. I asked for prayer that God would shake me, and break me, and make me His again. 

Sometime, maybe even just days after I posted in the fellowship group I read a a quote from CS Lewis that begged me to stop and reflect. “We are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright, is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us.” The profound example, though simple in imagery, had a prismatic effect on me. I even had to ask Crystal to explain it to me (not because I lacked understanding but because the depth of meaning here is so grand). "The reason we do/have good things/situations--the reason there is light in the world-- is because we reflect God's brilliance. Without God we would be like mirror's in a dark room." If you've been following my blog for a while now, or know me at all then you will know how striking the themes of light and dark are for me. God continued to convict me, ever so gently through the month of September. Through a verse in the bible randomly messaged to me. Or something some one said. Over and over and over.

Submission

But the devil was also very present. His lies wrapped me up and I felt unable to respond to God. Lies, shame and guilt kept me from submitting to God's calls. I don't know what or how I finally gave in to God. To be honest, it was all by His strength. He convicted, He nudged and He loved me until my spirit was stronger than my flesh; when I wanted to continue hiding in darkness, God walked me into light. To be honest with you, I'm still struggling to be submissive to the calling He's beckoning to me with

Confession

So, I called my roommates and told them that I had to confess something; 3 days after moving in we sat together and by God's grace, I confessed my sin. The words just poured from me. The truth just blurted out. I couldn't NOT talk about it. After confessing it out loud the giant boulder of a secret became just a rock (things are always scarier in the dark, aren't they?) and the last month has been a waves-on-the-shore kind of ebbing away at the rock. I'm confident that one day this large rock will become just sand. God must delight in me. He must want me. Why else would He be so unrelenting in pursuing me? Why else would He keep convicting me, tenderly, until I could finally submit to Him, and out of that confess some very specific sins. And in this process of repentance, of turning from those sins, He is changing me! He is changing me! And giving me confidence that He is using me to His glory! Tell the devil that he's going to die because God does not let us stray forever, and He won't leave us wrapped in lies like mummies. He is renewing our minds!