Good Week

This week has been a good week. God is teaching me, and I feel myself changing. But I am afraid that this is only a temporary high...the crash is coming. And then I will be back where I was. At the same time I am hopeful that this isn't just a rush, that there is some substance behind it. I want this to be real. To be continual.

I know my friends are a big part of it. Mariah is truly becoming my best friend. And I can't wait to go deeper with her. And now Tina too! God thank you!

Change me, O God!

I wrote this a few months ago, and I am still struggling!


October 3rd, 2009
A million memories rush through my head,
insomnia keeps me from my bed,
and thoughts of you keep me awake
how much longer until i break
this is the part where i will admit i am getting what i deserved.
the past bridged with the present
looking to the future with blinded eyes
and muted hearts.
shame and regreat holds on tight
what is for me, for you, and for Him
nothing seems to work out the way i want
i gave it all, all that i got
and each time what i had was lost
lost between what was wrong and right
lost between the sheets
in the darkness of the night.

October 3rd, 2009
One time
was all it took to shatter the fragile world I created
built around the idea that I could do it on my own.
One kiss
and I let the mask of innocent and purity fall
in shattered peices it lay on the floor.
One touch
the feeling felt down into the depths of my body
compromise never felt like this before.
One time
was all it took to open the gates to my childhood
and let all the memories enter my life again.
One night
and a lifetime of regrets and shame filter in
adding to the already confusing story book.
One boy
came in between a good girl and her morals.
One boy
came in between a Good God and His child.
One boy
came in between a past and future.
One boy
came in to a life.
And one boy
took it
away.


God, forgive me! I am not worthy of even praising you when I can't follow what you ask of me. My unclean mind and unpure heart are stained with sin and shame and regret and I am bearing, bruised fruit from it. Lord, I want to give it up to you! Erase it from my heart, my mind, my body! Only you can do that. Restore me, Christ, that I can leave behind my lusty heart and evil mouth. I want to worship you, not man, not any man, not my body, not the way it can feel. Let me be yours. Noone elses. Not his, not the devils.
I am sorry...for always turning away Lord. How can I deny you? I am falling so short, and straying so far!

Even now I continue to bathe in sin! Wash me in Your righteousness and cleanse me! God, I can't do this on my own! My spirit is so weak...my flesh craves the attention. Why am I letting the evil one have so much power over me?! God, I can't do this! I need you! Help me to stay pure. Take my lusty desires! Blind my eyes to romance. I want only to love you! I want you! I don't want anyboy! I want you Lord!

Exhausted

I am tired. Tired of being caught up between my flesh and my spirit. I am at war, and I am trying to win all by myself. But I know that I can't do it on my own. I need Jesus. I want to want Him cause I know that without Him I will lose nothing. Yes, lose nothing.

I am guilty. I am ashamed. And I don't know if I will make it to heaven. I am afraid to die. Even though I know that the way to heaven is through Jesus, and believing in God and what He did through His son I am redeemed. But I don't feel like it. I don't feel it. I don't know if I am saved.

I am walking in darkness, proclaiming light.
This war is waging, can I win this fight?

Though my feet are heavy,
and my heart is stone,
and my mouth speaks lies,
and I feel so alone,
and tonight, this girl cries.

She cries because she is sad.
She is tired. She is mad.
Sad she can't be better.
Tired cause its too hard to try.
And mad cause she doesn't know how.

Time ticks the life away,
what do I have to show for it?
A few lines? A few rhymes?
Leftover marks from spiritual suicide?

Satan and his soldiers march.
The drums begin to drum.
The flames begin to blaze.
The earth shakes with the steps of his army.
This is war.

Closer now, I feel it coming.
Alone I stand.
Armed in nothing but shame and guilt.
The Enemy has already wounded me.

Over the horizon the waves of warriors march.
Step by step and the fear overtakes me.
I want to run. I want to hide.
But I am alone.
And this is the desert.

How can I feel your love?
How can I be saved?
How can I know you?
How can I love you?
How can I glorify you?
How can I praise you?

Face to face, we now stand.
My enemies. My temptations.

Boys. A whole line of them.
They tell me how pretty I am.

And behind them is a line of Clones of me.
Each with a shard of glass.
Each with scars on her arms, and wrists.
Each girl with a grin across those lips.

Next are the Memories.
Fighting parents.
Absent parents.
Abusing parents.

Lines and lines and lines.
I have so many enemies.

But this is between Satan and me.
The rest disappear.
So it is just I, in my rags
and he in his armor.

I look to his eyes, hoping for compassion.

I look at his armor.
Strong, and sturdy.

I look at his helmet.
And I see my reflection.

Empty eyes, thirsting lips,
a heart of stone, sadness
weakness.

But I see something else too.
Familiar, but still so new!
A robe of radiant white
and a glow of radiant light.
A crown of glory.

Can this be!?
The King of Kings?
Standing right next to me?!
Is He going to fight?!