July, August and introducing... September?

hello lovely friends and followers

It's been quite a while since I wrote here and admittedly it's been intentionally avoided. But tonight I'm feeling the familiar feels of instability, confusion, and apathetic frustration. I'll save the drama for a much-needed garbage day post and just catch you up on what you've missed in my life this summer... most of it anyways!

Kianna, the girl I was mentoring through the non profit in St. Paul, and I went to Lake Calhoun back in June; I think that was the last time that we actually got together. I started working three jobs and I pretty much dropped off with her. We just got reconnected through Facebook (she sought me out!) and I'm hoping to step back into her life as a positive role model* this fall. 

Also in June I went to a Tumblr party and met some of the neatest people ever (I'll get to them in a minute). In this post I briefly wrote about that moving to Minneapolis and what that was all about so take a look if you don't recall... I'm sure I'll dig back through more thoughts on that later too.

Started July by going to Valley Fair with my sister, my nephews, and their close friends-of-family. It was a blast! I mostly hung out with the kids (below) going on as many rides as possible but managed to spend some time with my sister too. No doubt about it though I loved being a little brat with my two nephews the most though... look how handsome they are! 

July also brought about another meeting of the Soul Sistaaasssssss! Mariah, Tina, Elise, and I got together the weekend of my birthday at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts and then had lunch at The Bad Waitress. 

It's not easy to get the 4some together but when we do it's worth it. I'll share more about our adventure that day in a later post (and I'll be sure to link to it when it's available).

I turned the big ol' 21 and I even had a party with my "new friends" (whom I've already seemed to fallen off with... I'm burning a lot of bridges lately). We started the night grilling at my house, went to Applebee's and then ended the night at Chelsea's house. Most of my photos from the night didn't turn out well but here are some that my friends posted afterwards. 

The day after mine is Justin's birthday so we went to the Mall of America and celebrated together. Legoland, Caribou, and the Doc Martin store were definitely some high lights from that trip! 

more recent updates:

I moved (again). I got a boyfriend. We live together... with 5 other roommates. I never would have thought I would end up with some one like him but  he treats me better than any man has in the last 4 years and I feel secure, confident, and happy with him. We started seeing each other in mid June when I invited him to a party and we kinda sorta hooked up and were pretty much inseparable since. 

Okay, that wasn't so bad... maybe I can still blog and share my life with people. I don't have to lead this double life anymore. Slowly, very slowly, I feel like I'm merging myself together (even though I feel like I'm falling apart).

with love and sentiments

xoxo

Oh, June.

OH.

I moved.

Did I forget to mention that? Then you're obviously not my friend on Facebook or a follower on my Tumblr and Twitter! Friends and family were surprised when I told them I moved; it was both a long time coming and a sudden event because while I have wanted to move for a while now I didn't think it would actually happen. Mid May I replied to a post on Craigslist and they contacted me right away!

It was a hassle to get a few hours off from work so I could check the place out and meet my potential roommates but $50 later I convinced my coworker to cover 3 hours of my shift. I could go on for at least 4 more paragraphs fawning over how I fell in love with it but instead I'll just let you see for yourself! 

I challenged my Tumblr followers to like my post and I would share a video giving a tour of my room. Well. That's that. Unfortunately there is quite a bit more behind this post than a exciting news and a fun video. 

I  couldn't afford to live there at the time when I started looking for a new place to live; my search for a second job was unsuccessful and moving was the next option. I had family that I could stay with but none of them were great options for me. There are a lot of unhealthy dynamics in most of my family that I don’t care to be a part of. Though I love and adore them without second breath. 

Another reason for moving because I have this need for change; I think it’s because when I was very young we moved around a lot. If you know me at all you'll know that I'm a bit of a wanderer and the desire to move isn't new. Remember when I had that plan to move to Joplin, MO with Kirstin? And that time I almost took a bus to San Francisco? 

Lastly, I honestly didn't want to go home anymore. After I got the second job I could have afforded it… but I got a third job so that I didn’t have time to “be home”. I'm an introvert with trust and intimacy issues and a big avoidance problem. I’m actually surprised that I’m sharing any of this right now. I didn't like having so many people pushing on the borders of my life and questioning my lifestyle. And further… I felt suffocated by their faith. I needed to distance myself from it all. Okay, that's enough. I can't handle any more talk about the deep things in my life. I'm too content to keep it shallow.

what you missed in May...

This is a day for reflecting. I started this year with the idea that I would tie up ends left flagrant and to untangle myself from whatever it is that I have become bound to; it's no secret that I haven't been even been remotely intentional in these pursuits. I'm doing my best to avoid these things actually. But I'll sort through that after things settle down for me... adding 2 jobs this month has dynamically shifted my schedule. I'm one who loves change and seeks it cautiously, but runs when it finds me. 

     life in photos, and other things     

Justin has been gone all month visiting his sister who lives in Florida. He comes home next week and honestly I am thrilled. With the way that I am withdrawing from most of my social circles this is one relationship that I still put effort in... even if it doesn't seem like it. I've always been someone be friends or at least acquaintances with everybody. But I've take a turn for the introvert and now only invest in few relationships. Anyway, we've been talking of a road trip for our birthdays (which are a day apart) in July. I remember freaking out when he told me his birthday was just a day after mine.

Kianna, the girl that I started mentoring in March, and I have been having some fun adventures lately. We went for a walk around Central Park and took these cute photos! I can't believe this gorgeous girl is only 15; she's so sweet and bright, and reminds me of myself at that age.

Hannah, my newest roommate, and I went canoeing one afternoon. It was warm and sunny and beautiful. I won't share the photos after we went swimming though... my make up was more than streaked down my face! I loved being out on the water with the golden sun setting our course for the beach across the lake; this is something I could definitely do again! PS. We even made plans to sneakily swim across the lake at midnight! Dun-dun-dun!

For Memorial Day weekend I made an impropmtu trip up to the family cabin; every 3 weekend holiday of the summer (Memorial, Indepence and Labor day weekends) my uncle John has a pig roast. It's a big deal for our family and family friends. On a whim I swept up Arianna to take her with me. Turns out we were a day late! So we headed over to my uncle Al's cabin for the night. I took these sneaky shots of my cousin Jess and her son, Eamon and Arianna and my cousin Brian. Not the most flattering photos but I don't think you mind! Right?

These last few are from Monday when Kianna and I went to a Twins game at the new Target Feild. We had seats behind home plate but waayyyyyy at the top of the seats. Considering both of us have an insane fear of heights (oh, and balance issues as well) it's a wonder we even made it up there! Since it was her first game ever, and only my second I think it's important to mention that neither of us knows a lick about the sport of Baseball so most of the time we just people watched and talked; and took some cute pictures together of course! We left before the game ended but it's safe to say that it was time well spent.

Phew! That's quite the post... thanks for reading :) I can't wait to see what June brings! Also, did you know that you can comment on my blog? If you don't have a google id or blogger account just submit it anonymously (make sure to put your name in your comment so I know who you are though; It won't appear right away but I'll publish it after I read it! 

am i alone?

Oh, hello again! It feels good to be writing on my blog again. This is something that I do mostly for my own sanity. It feels safe here.

Anyways, I wanted to share these photos from March. I know it's a bit late but with the cold weather a few weeks ago and the recent stormy activity I am craving the beautiful, breezy sunshine we had a while back! Justin took these when we went for a walk around Nicollet Island.

 After the walk I joined my brother for a Timberwolves game. While I don't watch sports on my own I love spending time with my family. The quality time is what is important to me; it's one of my love languages (my primary is Words of Affirmation). A friend brought it up that our love language is pretty much the antidote to our "lie"... whatever it is that we believe to be true that we live and function out of.  My lie is that "I am alone."

That lie is a question that everything in my life is attempting to prove wrong. Unknowingly I am asking myself, "am I alone?"  But the things that I've experienced in the past have convinced me that it's true; there is nothing that can make me believe differently. It's in the process of bringing that lie to the front (literally) of my brain and dealing with it cognitively that I can override it's false-truth. My question and lie are stained into my habit and nature. Interesting, huh? 

aaaaand moving on! Gah! This is the face that Justin makes at me most of the time usually after I say or do something that is both adorable and uncool. He's in Florida visiting his sister for a month or so. Who am I going to dork around this city with this summer?  Oh, and did you check out the latest tune-in Tuesday? Well, that's all for now! I love you, darlings!

Oh, hello May!

I admit that I am glad April is over and while I don't have much vision for this new month just yet, I'm going to hope that it brings some sweetness back into my life.  

          life: and other things                      

I applied to a position at Como Park Zoo and Conservatory and got a job in the gift shop.
I almost accepted a Craigslist offer to be a live-in girlfriend/house wife.

I got both of my tax returns on the same day that I got paid.
And then I spent most of it instead of paying bills.
Considered moving to anywhere but here. 

Get the May calender {above} from Dear Friend

        on another note:                                

The last few months I have been avoiding pretty much everything from my relationships, my responsibilities and the things that I vowed this year to untangle. Instead of reaching beyond the surface in anything I prefer to keep every thing at a shallow comfort level. It's a quality of mine that often frustrates me because I want to invest deeper into my relationships and grow in my passions but at every knot in this ribbon of my life I drop everything and hermit myself away.

I don't know how to stop running and to start digging.

Estate Sale

I think I need to find a third or fourth job this summer just to accommodate my new found passion for Estate Sales. Hannah (our new roommate, in case I haven't mentioned that yet... she moved in at the start of April) and I were on our way back from lunch when I saw the sign. "I've always wanted to go to one of those." I casually mentioned. "Oh, we have to! Do you want to?" "Yes! Really? Alsdadglkjlkd!!!" And so we went. It was more than thrilling.

When we first pulled up the garage was pretty bare and yet we still found a great Victorian "Instant Garden". It's ten feet of annuals and perennials of many kinds (which is perfect since we have been talking about starting the gardens this spring!) Inside we explored a little bit and made it to the kitchen where I snapped up the Sunbeam electric mixing and Ground Cloves spice (a must have for all of my baking and cooking

Then we made it into the bedroom where we def raided "grandpa's closet" it seemed like. Hannah found like 6 great leather belts (some where for women and some were mens). I found two pairs of legwarmers that I can't wait to use this fall! There were also some great button up mens shirts but we passed on them.

The last stop was the sun room where I picked up 8 terra cotta planters! The one small sized one is cracked but usable. The 6 mini pots came in a little green house box that's actually shaped like a green house. I've been wanting to start a micro garden and these will be perfect! I think Justin said he had some seeds maybe to share with me. Hannah too loves the idea of growing self-sustaining gardens. And as a vegetarian she can appreciate the fresh herbs and spices!

It was an impromptu adventure that we both agree must happen again.

a freely written poem

words, loose
unbound by premeditated thought
let's a rhythmic beat unfold
as pen drags across pages:
blank and white
and waiting.

inspiration comes like the waves of the sea:
lapping, sloppy, against the shore.
THIS IS WHERE I AM FREE.


an audience, captivated and anticipating
traces my prose; each line in search
of something that reveals identities and relates
to the parts that are tangled and knotted.

meaning found
in between the tick-tock of moments gone by
and the still-frames that linger even with closed eyes.
THESE ARE CALLED MEMORIES.


words, loose
bound in existence, permanently placed
where stars and galaxies share.

by: me, April 11, 2012

more loose-ends, more resolutions

With the year already a quarter of the way complete I admit that I don't feel like I've accomplished nary a thing on my goals/resolutions list. It seems that the more loose-ends that I discover, the more resolutions I come to. After I went home in February I was "inspired" to shy away from writing and it appeared that avoiding everything was a good idea (it's not really, I realize this). So, here I am again with far too much to say because I left things unsaid for far too long. If you recall from my New Years Resolutions themed post in January I declared that instead of setting goals I would slow down and "in the process of tying my loose ends I will be aware of the process of being resolved." I don't feel resolved in anything. My life is continuing in it's state of chaos and disorder. The dysfunction perpetuates itself and I doubt if I will know anything different.

     Mounting Debts  

Between my student loan, personal "rent" debt, and other ridiculous expenses I am falling deeper into debt. I've been job searching with a bit more fervor lately because if I don't get another job (or 3) I don't think that I'll be able to continue in the direction I am going. Mom has mentioned more than once for me to "cut my losses" and move home so that I can just start again and as tempting as that is I don't want to admit failure just yet. I will exhaust every avenue until the only option left is to move home.

     Old Flames          

I don't know what I had in mind when I declared this as a loose end. Unpacking the baggage of my past relationships (and honestly, there are many, many more than I'd care to admit) seems like a good idea. My last relationship revealed exactly how that old weight can damage and even destroy. Historically my life has been dominated by romantic interest; it's likely that this pursuit of romance is a symptomatic cause of dysfunction. This gives me hope because I think that God will restore me and it will be a powerful testimony to his greatness and love. Not to mention that the enemy has a little black book that apparently he uses to send ex's back into my life. This is not cool. If it's not someone new then it's an old flame. Satan is a dooooosh. 

     New Addictions   

I started counseling in March because of a self-diagnosed "sin-addiction" that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. Though not clinically marked as an addictive issue that completely inhibits me from my daily life it was getting dangerous. Confessing wasn't enough and I don't know that an amount of accountability would cure me of it's grips. We are just three sessions in and I already have discovered a lot of understanding of myself. There is peace in knowing that the "addiction" that pressed me to pursue therapy is more a symptom than anything. 

     Mind-renewal      

This is happening as I experience healing in the other areas of my life. Counseling is helping with this a lot. As one who would never boast in brain-power ("I'm a feeler, not a thinker" and "I won't remember what you said but I will remember how you made me feel" are often my excuses) it's my hope to first become aware of things cognitively that way I can begin to understand things more completely. The brain is powerful. I hate that it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't even know how to think critically. Why is this a loose end and resolution again?

     Double Life         

After a dear friend helped me to realize that my double life is a short coming of mine and I've been working hard on merging myself together. Living two lives of lies is exhausting and sickening but yet here I find myself again. This is the side-effect of my "addiction" and "old flames" issues.

     Virtual Living      

Originally I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. While I have been much more active thanks to my internship at Mr. Zero's and volunteering as a mentor through 180 Degrees (not to mention a pretty great stint as the Decorations Director for my schools Multicultural Festival) I am still disappointed in myself. My need to collect everything (something that has potential to be a great strength) paired with identity insecurity and need for control over my chaotic life makes this a big challenge. As an Input* my counselor challenged me to learn how to develop that strength so that it can be more helpful than harmful. 

*Strengths Finder 

   Upcoming Posts:   

I'm certain that I'll begin to expand on some of these topics at more length later. I wrote a poem this week that I'll share too. In the mean while please read about my roadtrip with my mom that turned out to be a great, great day! And see what inspires me in the kitchen. I also updated my Testimony and am looking for book reading suggestions on my Bookshelf page. Last but certainly not least, I want to say thank you for reading my blog as inconsistent and wordy as it often is.

inspiration: home sweet home: kitchen

My last trip home was an experience that drew from within me a sort of reverence for not-so-city life (in addition to the myriad of personal revelations). Time spent away from the city was refreshing. And though I'm entertaining the idea of moving into the city of Minneapolis I am wary of urban dwelling. The introverted side of me begs and pleads to abandon society and to adopt myself into a hermit lifestyle in a cabin far, far from anyone else. 

Anyways. I've been finding inspiration for my future home, city or country, on Tumblr and Pinterest. Sadly, I don't know the actual sources so if you do please tell me and I'll be sure to cite them immediately!

kitchen:

I'm entertaining the idea of using my home (and especially my kitchen) as a place to serve people. Dinner is an open door policy in my heart and what if every night friends and strangers alike could come together to dine? Imitating the service of fellowship that we share when we Sunerchomai isn't entirely out of the question either.

“Come, everyone who thirsts,come to the waters;

and he who has no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without price.

Isaiah 55: 1

On another mostly related note: Justin's veganism is wearing off on me and the more that I learn about what I'm eating the more I am drawn to sustainable living (which unless I raise my own animals) would mean a fairly vegan lifestyle. The concept of living off of my own supply is fascinating to me especially considering the nature of the world and where it's going. Let's add that to the list of things to do sooner rather than later. Well, I'm sure I'll expand on these thoughts some other time but for now I have quite the to-do list! 

Roadtrips and Reunions

I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't posted since the start of this month. After the events in February and the reflecting I did post-visit home I think I needed some time to myself. I admit that being so vulnerable was a bit scary. Instead of continuing to face myself it seemed easier to avoid every thing. And to further this trend of honesty let me say this: I am still avoiding many issues that should be addressed in my life. On the bright side I am coming back in April ready to continue untangling (I'm constantly finding more loose ends by the way). 

Mom and I took a mini-road trip to Spooner so that we could take care of some insurance business (because of my accident last month and getting a new car); while in town we stopped by our old house that we rent out. 

While we were talking with the lady renting our house I noticed the neighbor in the yard! The crazy lady, Shirley, has been a dear friend of mine for many years. My parents started sending us kids over to help her garden and do other chores as punishment but I didn't mind one bit. She was a recovering alcoholic and devout Christian. Mentally unstable off-medication she offered insight into the tortures inside my own teenage mind.

When I moved away in 2005 she started to write me letters and send me little gift packages filled with trinkets and handmade crafts. Faithfully she wrote even if I failed to respond for a few months. Shirley has been a woman of strength and courage, brutal honesty, and humourous rants against men! It's been 6 and a half years since we had shared each others company so when I saw her come out into her yard I bee-lined over.

Though we only had  a few minutes to catch up (mom was anxious to get home) it was a precious reunion. It was almost awkward sitting in her living room (which is also her bedroom) and being face to face.  It was almost like no time had passed at all. She told me a few tales of bad doctors and the gov't cutting her assistance. She's doing well though, which is comforting because I worry about her. I know that one day she won't be there sending letters. 

Sorry for the horrid photo quality. This unplanned reunion left me with my phone-camera. Ps. These are the only photos that we have together! Look forward some great prose this coming month along with an update on my loose-ends and resolutions! Can you believe that we're already a third of the way through this year?! oh, lastly... thanks for all of the support and comments; and for checking back through out the month looking for more. My friends and followers are amazing!

RIP LS Little Jank

If you didn't read this post then you might not have known that I got into a minor car accident on Monday. While driving downtown to take care of some matters with Justin, we were hit. We were in the left-most lane on a one way street when a gal from out of town tried to make a left turn from the middle lane onto Nicollet (which doesn't allow thru-traffic anyways). The whole thing unfolded in slow motion. We sat stunned for about half a moment until pulling over to the side of the road on the next block where we exhanged information and the like. The gal claimed the fault immediately and it sounds like everything is going smooth with the insurance side of things. You wouldn't believe from looking at the damage to my car that they decided to simply total it; but with it being more than 20 years old it's not worth fixing.  This little car has been a friend for "the 6" and has been a blessing and a place of ministry. It's dearly beloved, and will be missed.


on a personal note:
I feel my life moving from dysfunction into function, and this chaos is almost calming because I know that there is peace coming. #obscurethoughts

what i wore: primary colors

     Tuesday, February 21st, 2012

Justin and I took care of matters at the Library, then the Police Station, and eventually went adventuring in NE Mpls. He showed me a cute shop that sells locally made items: I Like You.  Jewelry, pottery, stationary, art, lotions, cologne, you name it and they have it made local! It was great. We went to one of the best antique stores I've been to in quite a while. Melrose Antiques on 5th St in NE is filled with beautiful jewels, vintage clothing, art, china, and some of the best furniture! We fell in love with some of the great luggage (even found some that was small enough for me, that doesn't overwhelm my petite height!) and I donned so many pearls!  Can't wait to adventure with the kid again!

yellow hat:      found

navy sweater:    Justin's 

peach shirt:     thrifted

orange belt:     Target

black leggings:  Target

maroon socks:    soccer

brown shoes:     Kmart

on a personal note:  

after the accident on Monday they decided to just total my car. So now, I'm driving mom's old Sebring Convertible until we figure out what else to do. Sigh.

Photo credit: Justin took these with my camera phone.

sponsor swap and other garbage

This weekend I took a little vacation to visit some friends and family. It wasn't quite the escape from city life that I expected and most certainly didn't go nearly the way I hoped but at the very least it was the same as it always was. We can sort through that later because I'd much rather tell you about something exciting! 

I'm proud to be crossing something off my blogging goals for this year! Sponsoring another blog is something that I've wanted to do to give back a little of the love I've been getting through my blog. When I saw Kayleigh's post asking for a sponsor swap buddy I was thrilled! Her blog, A Million Little Somethings, is a great place to see God's work in her life as well as get glimpses of her Midwest life.

A Million Little Somethings

Isn't she Lovely?
A Million Little Somethings
Kayleigh Nikolai

My name is Kayleigh and I am currently trying to get through another Wisconsin winter. After 24 years, you think I would be used to it . . . but whatever!! For a day job, I work as a caregiver for adults with special needs. I love what I do but it is really high stress and I work a lot. So to relax I love to write!! I started the blog as an outlet for my writing . . . and found a dear friend! I write about my life, my thoughts, my faith, what I am reading or watching . . . just about everything! I spend my free time talking to friends, reading, watching movies/tv and trying to cross things off of my before-30 list! I live in a tiny little apartment that doesn't allow pets so for now I am content to crochet (sometimes), paper-craft (if I feel like it) and water my plants (when I remember). I am very committed to growing in my relationship with God and trying to figure out what He has in mind for my life. But until He moves me, I will keep living the life He has given me . . . and blogging along the way. Some big changes will be coming to my blog in March, so keep checking it out. I am so excited! :) I like to look at life as being made up of a million little somethings . . . join me as I blog and try to take time to see the little somethings that make up everything! 

Can't you see why I'm excited to have her as my first swap buddy?! Golly! Well, I'm off to have dinner with mom so I will leave you with a few notes to come back to in my next post! 

     notes:     

01. I have to be responsible for myself because no one else will, and no one should be!

02. This addiction I have is something outside of my control and that I need to get help before it destroys me.

03. I got into a {minor} car crash this morning and after a hectic weekend I'm thankful for those other moments of grace.

Alrighty, that's all for now darlings! 

me: in A-Z

So,  it seemed relevant to post about relationships since Valentine's was this week. I found this quiz on Tumblr and of course I dragged it over here! ... these always get a little bit too close for comfort.  

A: Who do you like and Why?

NA... and because. 

B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love?

I've been victim to the illusion of love; but it's always been skinny.

C: Longest relationship you've ever been in, and why did it end?

Lordy, I don't know. 10 months, or 10 years. Both ended because it wasn't right.

D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how?

I cleaned up my life to be the good girl that he deserved; he went bad.

E: Pretend I'm you ex, what do you want to say to me?

You're probably only still talking to me because there is a part of you that feels a bit more secure knowing I'm here. You don't particularly like me even, but you need me. How do I know this? Because that's why I'm still here. We are the same.

F: Have you ever been cheated on?

Yep, most likely. I can't think of a specific time but have no doubt that it's happened.

G: Have you ever cheated?

Admittedly, yes. Though I was more faithful to my ex and our relationship than any other relationship before, EVER.

H: Would you date someone who's known for cheating, if yes why?

Not if they are known for it but if it is not a defining quality then I'd give them my trust. I've cheated, and I've been faithful. I personally know that sometimes you meet someone who is so precious to you that they are worth totally committing yourself to.

I: What's the most important part of a relationship?

God. He is the best thing we could have in common, the strongest, unchanging, stable and perfect source of love-giving unity that any relationship needs. He has all of the qualities that neither partner has or that are missing. Important relational qualities: balance, intimacy = commitment, respect, trust, willingness to bend, and adventure (lot's of adventure).

J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious. Though that never happens.

K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?

Not particularly. If there are red flags now then there will be red flags when you return to the relationship. Besides, you don't take "breaks" when you're married so why bring that mentality into your pre-marriage relationship?

L: How many people have you ever hooked up with?

That's a good question. What is hooking up anyways?

M: What's one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship?

Not waiting longer to have sex until it was with some one who loved me back.

N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?

When they are married.

O: Do you believe in the phrase, "Age is just a number?" Why or why not?

Mostly. I think it's important to be aware of emotional/physical/life development of your partnership. It's different for a 5 year gap between 30 & 35, and 20 and 15.

P: What about "Love at first sight"? Why or why not?

I'm not convinced that you can love someone instantaneously. Love isn't just a feeling (and it's not based solely on attraction) it's doing what's best for someone. It's nurtured over time as commitment and intimacy develop beyond the point of initial interest. But, I'm intrigued by the idea that my future husband may one day look at me and immediately know that I was made for him.

Q: Turn on's?

Blah, don't wanna post about these.

R: Turn off's?

Or these.

S: What do you consider a deal breaker?

If he isn't a believer in God. And if that belief isn't affecting his life. Though you could call me a hypocrite because I often (almost always) compromise on this one.

T: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?

You just know.

U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single?

No. Almost 2 months or two years depending on how you look at it. Maybe even longer.

V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?

Yes, I do.

W: Do you think people should date their friends?

There isn't a good answer for this; though if some of my male-friends wanted to treat me to a date with them then I wouldn't deny them. But I also know that more than likely it wouldn't be kindled into a romantic relationship.

X: How many relationships have you had?

I have no way to know. 3 significant ones.

Y: Do you think love can last forever?

There is a love that last's forever and it's unchanging: God's love.

Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things?

Yes. There's a collection of 66 books about it called the Bible.

1: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?

It would depend on their motivation and if it was just because they weren't what they expect versus if they see very real, red flags that I am oblivious to.

2: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?

None of these guys are going to be worth 2 heartbeats.

3: Do you think long distance relationships can work? Why or why

Yes, but not for me. Not right now, anyways. I'm still rehabilitating from my wandering heart.

             on a personal note:             

I'm in Wisconsin for the weekend! I'll come back with pictures I'm sure! Miss you all, lovelies!

Life Lately

Most of the time I sleep in until late morning when the morning sunlight stops filtering directly into my room; then I spend a few semi-productive hours doing nonsense at home (mostly via the internet) before going to work in the late afternoon. After work I come home to shower and usually spend a few useless hours unwinding before the laptop on either Tumblr or jumping through my favorite blogs! In line with my resolution to distance myself from virtual living I have been less stationary during my free time.

The conservatory at Como Park has been one of my favorite places to visit lately. I love living just a few blocks away! I went twice this week; I went alone the first time and my new friend Justin and I went together for my second visit. Going alone is my favorite because I could just sit and enjoy the plants and people without the pressure of another's company.

Friday we went thrusting, I mean thrifting (thrusting is an inside joke) to Unique and Discount 70. It was great fun. He found himself some fantastic pants and a gorgeous green flannel that I also seriously considered buying. There were also about fifty pairs of my tan boots there. Overstock, obviously. 

Post-thrifting we picked up Mariah and took up space at Hard Times Cafe; in the morning Justin and I met there for breakfast. Which turned into lunch. We finally went back to my house so that he and I could watch Fantastic. Mr. Fox. If you've not seen it, I highly recommend it! It's a delightful clay-created, stop motion film that shows George Clooney as one very animated voice actor.

Our friendship is parallel. Literally. Sometimes we drink bitter coffee but for the most part we sit, side my side mostly, and blog. Or make ironic remarks about the world. Or get into laughing fits that make the hours pass like minutes. We still have yet to take a nice picture together. This one is derpy to the max but that's alright.

Well, that's my life as of late. In all honesty this visit to Wisconsin didn't seem like it would be that great but it's looking really good right about now. Sometimes I just need a change of scenery and this week has been consistent in one thing: useless (but entertaining) hours spent hanging out with Justin. Oh yeah! We did some cooking together this week too. That was fun. And lavished me with gifts. Like the leather bound, gold embossed copy of Moby Dick to read, and a beautiful custom made hand made phone case.

Anyways, I'm off to bed! I'll post soon about my new mentorship, my romantic relationships, and where my faith is at... until then, darlings, be well.

on a personal note: chaos

Tonight has been one of those nights where God is giving  

a | b | u | n | d | a | n | t | l | y

and my arms are just overflowing with things to work through. 

My life is in dysfunction and in the healing process of becoming functional I'm in the stage of chaos between old and new behaviors. Chaos is a part of transformation. I'm trying to come back to my life-verse (Phil 3:8) and to pattern my life after it (read my about & bio if you're curious to know more)... this is how I want to function. But instead I'm increasing in my material wealth and have abandoned eternal, heavenly treasure-seeking. I'm blatantly unrepentant. 

The last six months have been one of  unfamiliar  darkness; this is self-imposed. 

I cried out to be changed but I'm seeing now that I've been in this changing motion all along. 

And if I'm in motion constantly then I cling to the hope that first begged my heart to change:

I am confident in this: the He who began a good work 

in you will bring it to completion at 

the day of Christ's return.

There are good things to come. 

not yet | but later*

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

*"not yet but later"  is my friend Justin's idea and little did I realize the depth of meaning behind such a simple phrase. We sat, parallel, and with doodles and lists on cheap notebook paper birthing the words of wisdom. I'm quite certain these words of wisdom are universal and I hope to use them where they see fit. 

imposter

surprised by chance or some form of fate
a meeting of lives

intertwined

before the burning of bridges

fueled by imagined thievery,

this wasn't built on that bridge. 

every moment was parallel

every step separates initial identities

every breath reveals the substance inside

every minute unites two anonymous entities;

this is what it means to become tangled. 

ideas begin to dwell 

                  to swell

                             to fill up the spaces that eloquence could never fill.

darling (that's such an endearing term,

i should like to call every one by it),

look into the mirror and read the etching

objects are closer than they appear

though, my hands are the ones sketching

doodles on the pages of hearts, not books.

this is nonsense, stitched together with threads

red and binding that no doubt, will unravel

there is beauty in the unwinding.

i'm not holding my breath.

i will not be made insecure.

my certainty is this:

i am a ruby, pink and rouged by a passion

that stands alone, that isn't fashioned

created or destroyed.

i am: not yet, but later*.

*"not yet but later", and their meaning were not my inspiration, just an idea that deserves it's proper credit to JB.

on a personal note

I spend most of my life in my room, which I affectionately call my hermit-hole, but this new year has pulled me from it's comfort and safety and into some wonderful adventures! sigh. Maybe it's the late hour, or the lack of coffee, but my eloquence is swirling between nonsense and coherent thought. Either way this is what I've been up to lately!

 dinner with Hannah 
We went to East Village Grill (in the Elliot Park neighborhood). It's a great greek/middle eastern eatery that's somali owned and run. We didn't realize that there is a curtained section for women to eat alone (as that is what is culturally appropriate) but we sat at a booth near the door, away from the men who were in there watching basketball. The service was fantastic, and the food was incredible! I ordered the falafel and hummus while Hannah ordered the gyro. Both were served with a complimentary cup of vegetarian soup (that was also delish)!

It was so nice to catch up with this little lady. Though are times are few and far between I love that we can pick up where we left off. She's always speaking words from God that I need to hear, whether she knows it or not!

 making a difference 
I went to the capital on Tuesday for Second Chance Day on the Hill. The coalition is a partnership advocating for "for fair and responsible laws, policies, and practices that allow those who have committed crimes to redeem themselves, fully support themselves and their families, and contribute to their communities to their full potential." {from their website, here.} I loved listening to the different speakers in the rotunda; hearing the passion that this community has for it's people is one reason that I love my city! Too bad I didn't stay longer and catch some great photos of the event but I only had enough quarters to pay for an hour of parking so I had to slip out early.

 new friends| Justin 

met this kid last month... isn't he such a stud? After we had our first official hang out last weekend we discovered a shared passion for travelling, thrifting, diving, old books, coffee, and too many other things to list. we met up at Hard Times cafe, shared an order of hash browns and then walked around the city. As we walked through the west bank there were bikes every where. Literally, hundreds of them. He took me to this island by his house and despite it being the middle of the night, dangerously icy and bare because winter, it was awesome. On the way back to the coffee shop I took a picture of the skyline at night. The sake of art was not on our side as we tried to take picture together and this was the best we could do. I'm looking forward to our adventure this coming weekend: thrifting and more coffee shops. ah. new best friend.

 internship 
I've been working at Mr. Zero's about 1 day a week. I affectionately call it the shop and love looking through the scores of records, used books, and vintage jewelry. When I'm actually working I often do cleaning, update the mailing list, and alphabetizing just about any and everything. It reminds me of the video store my family ran when I was younger. Anyways, City Pages featured the shop last fall and you can read that article here.


 new glasses 
Mom couldn't stand my (... okay, Sara's old glasses) so she took me to get my eye exam and 2 new frames! Why is it that the machinery looks like it's from the 50s despite our advances in modern medicine?! I'll post a picture with my lovely new glasses later.

Not to exhaust you, darlings, but there's more coming soon! I'm going to Wisconsin for a few days to catch up with some old friends (haven't been to visit since last summer for the 4th of July) and ending that weekend by going to a Wolves game with my brother. Oh, and last but not least: mom let me take the car even though I haven't paid for it yet. Which means that I can begin my mentorship at 180 Degrees!  Whoohoo!