Desire

"i thought maybe my head had returned from the clouds, and i was grounded again. this time for real. but not anymore. i feeling like i am falling. not floating like before. i am falling. spinning head over heels reaching out, Jesus take my hand. please pull me from this...oh my God. I feel insane!!!! "

That's what I almost said to you. But instead I brought it here. It's easier to talk here. This is documented, so I can replay my craziness over and over. So I can see God's power as He brings me through the chaos and into His arms.

Now, let me explain...
Desire is a most peculiar thing.
I am seeing that what I want is wanting me. Or so it seems.
And wanting it this badly is scary. The Want is overwhelming lately. The Want came suddenly, swelling like storm cloud. The Want came bursting forth with a presence that I cannot ignore or dismiss this time. I thought we had cornered, tamed and caged it! God, You put it back in its place...so why is it back? Did I unknowingly unleash it? Did that part of me that is so deeply hidden that I barely know she is there do this?

Lord, please don't let this turn into something it's not. Help me to see with clarity; Make me see truth and not lies. They can be so hard to distinguish sometimes. Give me a discerning heart and a peaceful mind. God, your will is perfect. Amazingly, awe-inspiring perfect. Reveal it to me according to your goodness and love. Make  my steps clear before me. Help me to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Help me be restrained in my thoughts...not to fill my mind with desires that are for anything but you! God, I don't want to be swept away because I am not grounded in you. 


The enemy can twist and distort things which can make my judgement more than unfair.
I have been living with two maps in my hands. But the more closely I look at them the more similar they become. The two timelines that were once competing now seem to line up. One map was drawn from logic and reason and fear; the other from feeling, and a weak desire for righteousness. God, help me see Your timeline. Write yours over mine.
And please don't let this be more than goodnight. I can't say goodbye again. Not again. I don't want to lose a friendship because of spiritual failings. God, why the fuck do I always get caught up on this shit?! Ahhhh! Even the good boys are blinding me. woah. That is not fair to say. This is not his fault; Lord, my lack of emotional self-control is creating an idol out of this gift of friendship. I see this, now help me, make me change. Use this to teach me the very thing that brought me here. Wake me up with your eyes, to see with wisdom and love. God, hear these prayers written here, and the ones still trapped inside my heart. Now let me listen.

There, I don't feel dizzy anymore.
But now I am paralyzed with fear.
What if not running is actually the wrong thing?
I hope he can see the truth better than me...and I hope and pray he follows it.
Goodnight. Not goodbye. Please.