The Lighthouse

Sitting in my dingy ship I have had plenty of time to think. There is a quiet rhythm to the work God is doing in my life. Darkness like a sickness has threatened the deep, abounding and steady joy that seemed to define and radiate from within me. Once upon a time I pulled from that internal light and it powered me to serve in my church, school, and community with a smile, positivity and optimism. The degradation of that girl has been an uncomfortable loss and I've struggled with who I've become; who am I any more?

I can only speculate that the reason that I have felt so shrouded by staggering darkness is that these hazel eyes have closed to the Light of the World. Spiritually I have suffered and suffocated myself in the blackness of the world rather than opening my eyes to follow the Light.

In February I wrote a post about the break down of my friend group. In it I rejoiced at the works God was doing in my life through that situation. He is still working in this but something else stood out from the lines of scripted testimony. "I feel myself walking out of darkness and into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). That joy, light and happiness that I have thirsted and hungered for in the beginning of this year has been seeping and peeking through my heart lately....A glint of True Joy has encouraged my soul." [excerpt from my blog post How Do You Measure a Year?] 

I have been trying to row my boat all over the seas of life without drinking the satisfying, unending and eternal rivers of life that Jesus provides. I have fought against the Anchor that has faithfully kept me in the center of inky oceans without opening my eyes to see that there is Light in the darkness. Now, with hands free and eyes beginning to open there in sight is a light house! A bright, tall and strong tower of safety. With the opening of my eyes came an opening of my heart.

Follow me.

the voice commanded.

Without taking the wooden oars into my hand my ship is led by the Anchor towards the safe harbor of Light in the distance.  Startled by the motion I fearfully reach for the paddles and begin to row but I only start veering off course. When I remove my bone-white fingers from the devices the Anchor again leads me towards the Light. This pattern of trust and fear and trust and fear damages the integrity of my ship. 

Jesus calls us to follow him. To follow Christ is to have Christ and to follow the Light is to have the Light of Life (also John 8:12). It's this Life of Light through Jesus Christ that super powered my heart and overflowed into my work. He is the supernatural source that shone through my smiley demeanor. The sincerity of my encouraging words to others came from the assurance of humble and obedient joy in God!

I've tried to follow Him with my hands gripping wooded oars and eyes closed; now with open hands and open eyes maybe this is the internal change I have been looking for. I'm beginning to feel my heart wanting not only the joy and light it once used to bask in, but the true source. I can't wait to reach that Harbor of Light, and the strong radiant Lighthouse at it's center!