Time is a Funny Thing

Time is a funny thing, it passes more and more quickly with each year. 2011 has been passing with a speed unlike any year before. What have I to show for it? Even though I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions I did set a few goals for myself this year. Regrettably, I do not believe that I have accomplished nearly as much as I would have hoped to have done by now...my music still needs to be de-cluttered, my photo albums organized and properly maintained, and I haven't paid my personal debts back (actually, they have increased!). I figured out a payment plan for my schooling, though I've irresponsibly procrastinated in paying it. Likewise, my "bills" and rent haven't  been paid at all this year thanks to the good graces of my mother! I haven't worked out even once a week for most of this year, my eating is pretty out of control and I've spent most of my money on food (for others as well as my self...).  I've inconsistently been disciplined in my faith practices; my spiritual growth has felt stunted. 

     

A while back I came to the realization that it wasn't a "change of scenery but a change of heart" that I need in my life. This is true still, and that is partly why I am not going to Joplin, MO with Opal. Aside from the fact that I will likely lose my job and the fear of missing something here, I stubbornly cling to the idea that changing my location won't change my heart, won't change me. If I run away (which it sometimes feels like I would be doing) then I'm only externally changing things and the core of the problem will not be helped. The countering idea is that maybe a radical change will be exactly what I need to begin an internal transformation. Every thing outside of myself say's to go. I'm not sure why I am resisting so much! I still struggle with the fear that I will spiritually die if I leave this place. But I suppose that staying here hasn't done much for me either. This is exactly why I realize that it has to be an INTERNAL innovation to my heart and soul for any good to come of anything I do! 

     

Part of me want's to stay, to fight for my friendships and to figure out my life with what I've already got. Part of me want's to leave and not be satisfied until I'm totally, radically and outrageously in love with God. If I leave, it's because I believe that He is leading me there. If I stay it's because I was afraid. Dear Lord, please help me see where it is You desire me to go! I've got only a few days to choose. God, give me a sign!  In whatever path my steps take I know they are within His plans. My hope is that in any and all circumstances He will be glorified by me...I realize that my life isn't doing that as greatly as it can. My hope is that God can bring me to a place that changes my heart and that brings me closer to completion, being more like Christ. I'd like to continue working towards my goals, who will be by my side?