i've been boy crazy for as long as i can remember.
from early childhood.
maybe its because my dad left when i was so young, and he didn't do fatherhood that great.
maybe its because i've lacked biblical instruction on pretty much everything.
maybe its because i'm messed up for no reason.
but boys and me mix like sugar and water.
its sweet, but really bad for you.
and in the end isn't that great; it just makes your stomach hurt.
basically, my whole life, has revolved around guys.
loving them.
hating them.
trying to get them to love me.
its about looking for love
longing for love.
and before christ,
thats how i found it.
or what i thought was love.
and even now, i know about Gods love.
but its not real,
and im still choosing to look in the wrong places.
its easier to look for love in meaningless relationships, rather than to love Christ.
my "first love" was in 7 grade
i walked him to his bus and as we hugged goodbye i whispered in his ear "f*** me"
we were together for four months.
then we broke up.
and he haunted me for five years.
Well, in 8th grade i fell in love with a boy. and the sum of it is i still love him. in a sick, twisted, broken kind of way.
he has been my motivation for everything (almost) since we "met"
and tonight, i can't stop thinking about him.
we went to school together in middleschool but in 6 grade he moved away, we reconnected and actually developed a friendship ingrade8.
basically, no amount of time or space could stop my feelings for him. years could pass with out talking, and we would just fall in love all over again.
and eachtime he pushed me away i swore it was the last
and in between times there have been countless others who i thought could fill the void
he was my reason for hoping, he was my savior, and is the reason i am where i am
i mean, tis gods doing, but its this boy that motivated me
i used to be a pretty messed up kid.
and he made me want to be better.
i wanted to make him love me as much as i loved him. wanted to be a girl he could be proud of. to be someone who was good enough for him. he desrved the best.
so i changed
to get him back
to prove to him
that he was worth it
and as i was getting better, turns out he was changing too.
we reversed roles.
but the problem was the same.
anyways, boys...
i've had idk how many
"boyfriends" i have had so while i might be able to impress folks with a innocent, sweetness, im defective tainted and weak.
i'm used goods.
i mean, its in Gods plan somewhere right?
i can see now Gods fingerprints in mylife.
but still.
its a lot of boys i kissed and held hands with that i don't even remember
they don't matter.
the grace part is that time and time again, God is gracious.
thats what my name means you know, God is gracious.
im weak.
it doesn't take much and i say "to hell with the world"
then its off to the races, i'm going down down down and the enemy mocks
gods heart breaks, cause his love is so big, but its not enough for me.
i've stopped caring about relationships
im just so confused
i'm so stuck in my sin, my need
I love him, and he is overseas, and i don't know if hes okay and i miss him like crazy and i want to be with him even though God said He has someone better
tragic, and romantic
i just wish i could go back and undo it all
i wish i could have grown up a christian, knowing that God loved me. so that i wouldn't ahve looked in all those places.
wouldn't have been so lonely.
wouldn't have hurt myself and those i cared about.
wouldn't have earned all this bagage.
i just want to be free
even if i say im giving it up to Christ, i don't let go.
and if i do let go, the memories are enough to hold me down
i can't get it to be real.
its in my head, i know the truth
but its not enough
i'm supposed to be upbeat.
happy.
joyful.
shining the light.
thats what people should see.
its authentic real joy when im with people
but when im alone, its dark and heavy and lonely
i've been there.
time and time again, but not all the time.
i just keep running from God
as if he doesn't know
but he does
i keep ignoring him though
i can't even talk to him
nothing more than a lunch time prayer
or a praisethelord! for my friends
i'm avoiding things
and part of me wants to keep running.
so that i don't have to admit to God how messed up i am
even though i know he knos
i'm trying.
slowly, slowly slowly
its choking me.
