more loose-ends, more resolutions

With the year already a quarter of the way complete I admit that I don't feel like I've accomplished nary a thing on my goals/resolutions list. It seems that the more loose-ends that I discover, the more resolutions I come to. After I went home in February I was "inspired" to shy away from writing and it appeared that avoiding everything was a good idea (it's not really, I realize this). So, here I am again with far too much to say because I left things unsaid for far too long. If you recall from my New Years Resolutions themed post in January I declared that instead of setting goals I would slow down and "in the process of tying my loose ends I will be aware of the process of being resolved." I don't feel resolved in anything. My life is continuing in it's state of chaos and disorder. The dysfunction perpetuates itself and I doubt if I will know anything different.

     Mounting Debts  

Between my student loan, personal "rent" debt, and other ridiculous expenses I am falling deeper into debt. I've been job searching with a bit more fervor lately because if I don't get another job (or 3) I don't think that I'll be able to continue in the direction I am going. Mom has mentioned more than once for me to "cut my losses" and move home so that I can just start again and as tempting as that is I don't want to admit failure just yet. I will exhaust every avenue until the only option left is to move home.

     Old Flames          

I don't know what I had in mind when I declared this as a loose end. Unpacking the baggage of my past relationships (and honestly, there are many, many more than I'd care to admit) seems like a good idea. My last relationship revealed exactly how that old weight can damage and even destroy. Historically my life has been dominated by romantic interest; it's likely that this pursuit of romance is a symptomatic cause of dysfunction. This gives me hope because I think that God will restore me and it will be a powerful testimony to his greatness and love. Not to mention that the enemy has a little black book that apparently he uses to send ex's back into my life. This is not cool. If it's not someone new then it's an old flame. Satan is a dooooosh. 

     New Addictions   

I started counseling in March because of a self-diagnosed "sin-addiction" that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. Though not clinically marked as an addictive issue that completely inhibits me from my daily life it was getting dangerous. Confessing wasn't enough and I don't know that an amount of accountability would cure me of it's grips. We are just three sessions in and I already have discovered a lot of understanding of myself. There is peace in knowing that the "addiction" that pressed me to pursue therapy is more a symptom than anything. 

     Mind-renewal      

This is happening as I experience healing in the other areas of my life. Counseling is helping with this a lot. As one who would never boast in brain-power ("I'm a feeler, not a thinker" and "I won't remember what you said but I will remember how you made me feel" are often my excuses) it's my hope to first become aware of things cognitively that way I can begin to understand things more completely. The brain is powerful. I hate that it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't even know how to think critically. Why is this a loose end and resolution again?

     Double Life         

After a dear friend helped me to realize that my double life is a short coming of mine and I've been working hard on merging myself together. Living two lives of lies is exhausting and sickening but yet here I find myself again. This is the side-effect of my "addiction" and "old flames" issues.

     Virtual Living      

Originally I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. While I have been much more active thanks to my internship at Mr. Zero's and volunteering as a mentor through 180 Degrees (not to mention a pretty great stint as the Decorations Director for my schools Multicultural Festival) I am still disappointed in myself. My need to collect everything (something that has potential to be a great strength) paired with identity insecurity and need for control over my chaotic life makes this a big challenge. As an Input* my counselor challenged me to learn how to develop that strength so that it can be more helpful than harmful. 

*Strengths Finder 

   Upcoming Posts:   

I'm certain that I'll begin to expand on some of these topics at more length later. I wrote a poem this week that I'll share too. In the mean while please read about my roadtrip with my mom that turned out to be a great, great day! And see what inspires me in the kitchen. I also updated my Testimony and am looking for book reading suggestions on my Bookshelf page. Last but certainly not least, I want to say thank you for reading my blog as inconsistent and wordy as it often is.

Home*

Forgive me if this is scattered and vague. As you can imagine there is some level of anonymity that I'd like to maintain by sharing this information discreetly; but in my desire to speak honestly about my life and testimony I offer you this post.

A few weeks ago I took a trip home to the small town in Northwest Wisconsin that raised me for half of my life. It's a place with more bars than churches and more people on the wrong side of the tracks than the right; it's run down, falling apart, and still one of the most beautiful places to be. It's a shame that I didn't capture any of those images except in my memory. My hometown is a   bittersweet  place for me because it represents a very dark time in my life. I was surrounded by a deepening, maddening depression that intruded on my sanity and joy. It's a time in my life that I associate with abuse, fear, poverty, drama, and something that goes beyond the normal coming-of-age identity crisis. In all honesty,   leaving was the best thing for  me and as an adult returning to the town that I was removed from has been something that I struggle with.

See, when I was a freshman the courts decided to send me to live with my grandparents. I was given 2 hours to pack all of my things and be ready to move. I wasn't allowed to say good bye to anyone, not even my little brother. There was also a "no contact" issue involved for my protection that prevented me from all ties to that part of my life. The experience has had a profound impact on my emotional development in the last 6 years and even now I am incredibly particular about closure and goodbyes. Leaving (or rather, disappearing) so abruptly left too much to the imagination of not only myself but also my friends in my "old" life. They didn't know if I had ran away, been taken away to either juvie, a girls home, or psych hospital, or if I had perhaps even killed myself (yeah, I was in a really dark place). The fear that life in my home town wouldn't function without me was paralyzing and not knowing what people thought of me was an obsessing thought that motivated me through the remaining years of high school.

After turning 18 and heading off to college I was finally free to pursue the loose-ends that were left from my relocation. I friended nearly everyone I could think of and was a slave to my "where are they now?" attitude; I rekindled some connections that were better left in disrepair. I went back home for the first time in 4 years in October 2009. I'm not sure if that first weekend set the pattern for ever following visit, or if perhaps there is a deeper something going on that causes me to freak out; either way I have never made it there and back without regrets. The first time was giving away my precious gift of purity. Which led me to become the other woman in another relationship and the death of dear friend. Last weekend, over 2 years since my first visit, the trend of irresponsible behaviour continued. I played the game and lead on a friend (who's more like family) then went beyond drunk and betrayed his trust by going with another fella. Ironically, this all happened on my ex's 9 month sober-versary.

I keep hoping this time will be different but when it comes to that small town, I always lose control.

I'm less than proud of my actions and am walking a fine line between shame and humility for fact that I live such a double life. It's been a week and I'm still processing through everything. I am trying to understand why this always happens. What little bits of wisdom I have come to realize are these:

1. I have to be responsible for myself at all times because:
• people are unreliable (that's just the way it is) and
• it's not their job to babysit me, even if I ask them to.
2. Drinking responsibly is more fun than blacking out portions of the night and making decisions that you regret for far longer than the time it took to make them.
3. I don't understand how anyone there can respect me when I have no self-respect. 

Well, that's that. 

on a personal note: chaos

Tonight has been one of those nights where God is giving  

a | b | u | n | d | a | n | t | l | y

and my arms are just overflowing with things to work through. 

My life is in dysfunction and in the healing process of becoming functional I'm in the stage of chaos between old and new behaviors. Chaos is a part of transformation. I'm trying to come back to my life-verse (Phil 3:8) and to pattern my life after it (read my about & bio if you're curious to know more)... this is how I want to function. But instead I'm increasing in my material wealth and have abandoned eternal, heavenly treasure-seeking. I'm blatantly unrepentant. 

The last six months have been one of  unfamiliar  darkness; this is self-imposed. 

I cried out to be changed but I'm seeing now that I've been in this changing motion all along. 

And if I'm in motion constantly then I cling to the hope that first begged my heart to change:

I am confident in this: the He who began a good work 

in you will bring it to completion at 

the day of Christ's return.

There are good things to come. 

not yet | but later*

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way.

*"not yet but later"  is my friend Justin's idea and little did I realize the depth of meaning behind such a simple phrase. We sat, parallel, and with doodles and lists on cheap notebook paper birthing the words of wisdom. I'm quite certain these words of wisdom are universal and I hope to use them where they see fit. 

Garbage Day

I just came back from meeting with a friend from college. She was a big influence in my life when we lived across the hall from each other my freshman year; we haven't gotten together since then, and hadn't even gotten to talk in depth since summer 2010!!! Yikes! She treated me to coffee and our time together was really good. I got to fill her in on my life from San Francisco until current (and relevant stuff prior to this season) and she filled me in on her life in the last few years as well. I feel blessed from our time. She has some of the most sincere and genuine faith out of anyone in my life, that is presented in a way that isn't just because of God's faithfulness in the "big" things but in the day to day life with Him. I confided in her that I'm currently at a point of recognizing the chaos and dysfunction in my life, and that (until a conversation with my roommate, Sara) I had a plan for re-purposing every area of my life, except the spiritual! Like I mentioned in my last message: I think it's time that I stop avoiding God. To be honest, that's plainly what I'm doing and it's foolish, for one cannot hide themselves from God!

In my conversation with Sara she called me out on a few things. Her assessment of my life was fair, and I received her kick-in-the-pants openly because in all honesty, she is right. I work maybe 30 hours a week, sleep 6-10 hours a day, and spend the rest of it virtually on myself meaning, literally virtually (online) and it's all centered around me and my "cool" lifestyle... read about it here. She encouraged me to get off my butt and serve somewhere. I'm blessed right now with a great deal of free time to use for the kingdom... and finding a second job (which is necessary to become truly financially stable). As she was pouring out this tough love I remembered a quote by Gandhi that was transforming for me in high school. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

When my life was in need of changing direction, I was propelled into motion while in service to others. It was after I began my active involvement in my home church that faith as living action happened in my life. It was after I started joining activities/sports in school that I made my homework a priority. It was after I volunteered in programs in my community that I learned personal responsibility. Kelsey said, "do first, feel later." You don't get the feel-good feelings and endorphin's from working out until after after you've ran 3 miles. You don't get true satisfaction from fleeting, deceitful feelings; in fact, they often lead us astray (though as we align with God's will, delighting in it, our desires--our feelings-- align with His, and that's why He loves to give us the desires of our hearts. That's true feeling, desire, and satisfaction.) 

I woke up the other morning and felt completely defeated. I remember tweeting: I'm not in a field, a maze, or on a train. I don't exist in those places. I am missing. Those are three different places that I've envisioned as metaphors for spiritual living. Yesterday, after going to Bloom church in the morning and then our fellowship gathering in the evening I became aware of why I can't identify my placement. Sara asked me a few weeks ago, "Janell, which Kingdom do you live in/for?" I didn't, couldn't, answer. But as our friends sat around last night talking about prayer, the body and the kingdom I realized that I haven't been living in the kingdom that God brought me into. In all honesty, I am fully living, serving, and pursuing a worldly life right now. 100%. It's like being adopted by the King into his kingdom, sharing in the inheritance, but choosing to remain living in the alleys of the town which he called you from. I've traveled from my home kingdom, to dwell in the filth of another. Not that I've lost my place or inheritance, but that I've left it behind because "the grass is greener" in the world (LIE); it's almost a prodigal story. There was some scripture shared that brought this together for me though I forget what verses.

As I write, God is gracing me with more vision to how each of these places are connected; they are one metaphor and not many! I'll share it with you once it's written out! Well, I wanted to have a more conclusive end to those first few paragraphs, but forget how I was going to tie it up. Perhaps just this thought: our lives are constantly in motion, no matter where we are. And that I have assurance (contrary to where I was a few years, even just 6 months ago) that I am sealed in the inheritance and that God won't let me wander astray forever. He will continue to call my name, inviting me home every time. I want to have a heart tuned to hear this call, and a spirit willing to obey, the strength to repent of myself, and a soul that longs for Home. I have done a good job in trying to quench that flame, but it's one that never goes out, thankfully! If you think to pray, pray that this flame would be fanned, and that the heat would warm my cold feet (my bridegroom is waiting for me), and that I would turn toward Him in humility, obedience and that I would be drawn to him, desiring him!

Garbage Day

It's been a few months since I slowed down and spent some time in my head. It's such a jumbled mess that I must first begin by untangling the ends, pulling the tight knit wad looser on all sides and then pulling each thread until the whole piles unravels. That is how we become

u | n | t | a | n | g | l | e | d

Sometimes in our lives things happen so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that we have no choice but to beg ourselves, "pinch me, I'm dreaming." I'm speechless with a thousand things to say and no words to express. I can only think in bullet points and lists right now.

Conviction, Submission, Confession

If you've read my latest post (me: in A-Z) then you were maybe a little bit shocked to discover some surprising secrets that I've held locked tightly inside me for a great length of time. I'm amazed at the distances that we will go to in order to hide our sins; I lied, told-half truths, or completely ignored these specific sins for 2 years. Now that this is coming to light it's obvious that even some of my closest friends were in the dark. Today I wanted to share with you some of the context to those confessions and the share their significance. But also to share the sufficient grace that God is abundantly pouring out over my life through conviction and confession. 

Understanding repentance is something that does not come easy to me. And understanding the love of God is an even more foreign concept. But the last 2 months have been a true testimony to the way that the Lord is faithfully unrelenting. You might remember that I was fully intending to move to San Francisco, California in September. There isn't a doubt in my heart and mind that it was a testing of my faith (just like God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac--sparing Isaac's life when Abraham was faithful and obedient). I bring this up because the hope that I had, knowing that God would satisfy and answer me, has come not out of moving but in staying.

Even though I should most definitely be going to sleep I have too much in my head to rest. This weekend has been very emotionally trying. My mind is going in many directions and I don't know where to start. It's been almost a year since I last went to Spooner to visit; the last time I was there was for Chris' funeral. And even though you'd think that would be a major contributor to my emotional state I doubt the sincerity of that statement. Chris helped me through a lot of the stuff post-Tate (is my life ever really "post-Tate"?) drama and being back in town knowing he was there threw me off balance. There is a fine line between my fear and desire to see him. Until I found out that he married Alyssa (who has a baby with Tate's brother Titus...) and welp, that pretty much ruined my ability to think right there. My heart stopped for about a minute and my mind started to sizzle and fry until I regained most of my composure.

On top of that I am still dealing with lingering feelings and thoughts on James. It's much better than a few months ago but I'm still not okay with everything. I accept it, and am blessed by the "break up" but the consequences of investing so much of my heart into him and that relationship are rippling through my life. To be sincerely honest with you despite all of the time I spend being affected by it, I haven't actually spent any time processing through and learning from it. Guessing that means it's about time to do another relationship-related post, huh?

Life

I've been busy lately; if only I had more time to do all of the things I am working on right now. Between my bumping social life, working 30+ hours a week, going to church, photography, story, writers group, working out, looking for a car, meeting with my mentor, getting set up for school and the endless cleaning I always find myself doing it's no wonder that my blog has been slow. I owe you a proper update on the matters of my heart..... my heart needs it too.

Time is a Funny Thing

Time is a funny thing, it passes more and more quickly with each year. 2011 has been passing with a speed unlike any year before. What have I to show for it? Even though I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions I did set a few goals for myself this year. Regrettably, I do not believe that I have accomplished nearly as much as I would have hoped to have done by now...my music still needs to be de-cluttered, my photo albums organized and properly maintained, and I haven't paid my personal debts back (actually, they have increased!). I figured out a payment plan for my schooling, though I've irresponsibly procrastinated in paying it. Likewise, my "bills" and rent haven't  been paid at all this year thanks to the good graces of my mother! I haven't worked out even once a week for most of this year, my eating is pretty out of control and I've spent most of my money on food (for others as well as my self...).  I've inconsistently been disciplined in my faith practices; my spiritual growth has felt stunted. 

How Do You Measure a Year?

How Do You Measure a Year?

In cups of coffee? In alarms snoozed? 

Hugs? Hello's? Maybe in miles spent or moments shared?

Friends gained? Enemies made?

It's been about a year since my dad dropped me off outside Bethlehem Baptist Church on a windy and sunny Sunday morning; It was my first time there. Jordan had invited me to hang out at his church after we had hung out a few times before. I arrived early with my backpack, a duffel bag, a pillow and sat huddled on the floor for about 40 minutes waiting for him. Smelling like smoke and mildew I am not surprised that not a single soul acknowledged me which encouraged my quickly retreating confidence to further pull back. Surrounded by unfamiliar faces I was flooded with relief when I received the text from Jordan saying that he was finally there. Moments later he appeared and two others tagged along. Somewhat awkward casual greetings were exchanged and then we four headed into the service (which had already started). We sat along the back wall on the floor. I was incredibly uncomfortable and insecure because I knew that I smelled raunchy. But everyone was polite and friendly, not mentioning my odor. After being dismissed we exited the sanctuary and more fully did introductions. The first was Shea: the silent conversationalist. She was tall and plainly beautiful, looking remarkably like her older sibling. Robert was long-haired and visually out of place amongst the sea of Sunday's best dressed. A few visits later would reveal more friends and as winter became spring, and spring finally warmed to summer the group had been defined with Jordan, DeLaney, Robert, Crystal, James and Shea. Of course other's are intermingled within the time contained in a year, but these were my Lovely Jankies: The beloved friends of inner circle of my heart.

It's been 2 weeks since what I call "the breakup" which really is just the end of something good, and the beginning of something better. Beyond the romantically inclined relationship that I had with James (which will be blogged about soon, I promise!) the break up of the group has been heavy on my heart lately. The ones that I once called my friends, now sometimes feel like my enemies. Just saying that makes my heart turn and twist a little.

...slow spinning redemption...

I'm considering moving to Joplin, MO with Opal in a few weeks. Only a back pack of belongings, living out of the car, and a fresh start is an appealing opportunity. I’ve dreamt of leaving and pursuing the gypsy lifestyle for a while but is it really the answer to my desires? I consider the things keeping me here like my friends (however fragile those relationships may be), my schooling (which is on hold anyways), my family (who may frown upon my adventurous flight) and my God (with whom I bear the heaviest consequences for this choice). In my mind I have already decided to go but something radically has changed and uncertainty steeps my excitement. It seems silly, but my hopeful heart begs me to ask the question: am I giving up too easily and too soon on everything?

It goes beyond my relationship with James.  It’s been a slow breakdown of the 6…my lovely jankies have degraded, deformed, and deteriorated as the days have grown shorter (and the nights longer). Now as the sun begins retreating later in the evening, I wonder if there will be any peace, healing and restoration within our group. I’m considering that perhaps Jak is right: the truth of Ecclesiastes 3 is speaking to my life right now. If everything has a season and a purpose then maybe we have run the course of and fulfilled ours. A conversation with Mrs. H comes to mind as I recall her comments one sunny, Sunday morning. The word for word exchange escapes me but I do remember she expressed a sincere speculation about the seasonal longevity of the group’s intimate involvement. Would we survive the end of summer? 

So, it's been a while since I posted an entry with the latest insights into my ridiculous, yet wonderful life. I don't even know where to start! I am at my grandparents house in Fergus Falls, MN because I am terribly behind in my class and I was hoping that by coming up here I would be able to get a lot done. Well, I've done more homework today than I have done in the last four days! I am almost positive, by 99% that I will fail this class a second time and as a result,  flunk out of college a second time as well. Perhaps, with this next semester off I can figure my life out?

I can honestly say that I am a mess! My priorities are truly screwed up. I keep thinking that if I can just get married, then worry about the rest...then maybe it will be easier to grow up and to do things right. I doubt that really works, and I don't think that is the right way to go about it. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be 19 years old and have no idea what you're doing with your life? When I was graduating from high school I had my life pretty well mapped out. I was going to college for four to five years at a pretty awesome liberal Christian college, going to 5 years of seminary, then getting a real job. Somewhere in there was falling in love and getting married, starting a family and saving the world.

So much for that...I mean, I totally trust God. And I'm trying to accept the fact that His (perfect) plans are often, almost always, going to oppose mine. It's hard to cling to the truth that He has ordained every moment of my life. I mean, was it really God's will for me to go through everything last fall? Was I really meant to flunk out of college? How do I find the right balance of accepting responsibility for my actions while giving God total credit?

Okay, so I'm heading back to the cities tomorrow morning. I have to be at the bus stop at 7am. On the bright side, Nana said that she would buy me coffee for my trip! Seriously, I am slightly nervous. Sure, it's a public transit bus so their could be some freaky creeper and who knows maybe I won't make it home! Fine! That is highly unlikely but that doesn't make it less scary!

When I get back life isn't going to slow down much. With it being the holidays maybe I shouldn't expect it to slow down. Even if my life were to balance out I don't think that it would last because I get so easily bored. Very truly I admit that I love my go-go-go lifestyle. It's hard being a home-body but hating to be home! Anyways, after I get to town I am heading to my mom's work, going to "study" there until she is done. After she drops me off at home I have to head over to church, and work to pick up my check. I'm anxious, nervous and excited to see my friends again. Thursday is pretty open, homework only. Friday I am working for Mr. B along with the other kids too. We are doing the yearly total inventory at WIT and the pay is like ten dollars an hour! I sooo could use the money! Saturday Shea mentioned shopping, and it's Opal's moving away party that night. We are ordering Buffalo Wild Wings and playing boardgames! I am really going to miss her!

Sunday is church, obviously. And all my class work is due at midnight. Is it even worth it to keep going? I know that I am incapable of completing the course, so should I just forget about it? I think I will do some more, as to show I am not giving up...though I gave up a long time ago.

Wow! This is ridiculously long already! And I haven't even started on the relationship stuff yet! Haha, perhaps I will do that after "the talk" ...James and I have been working hard at being just friends. It's really not easy! But, I'll do a short separate post about it! For now, I think it's time to publish this, and do one more!=)