...slow spinning redemption...

I'm considering moving to Joplin, MO with Opal in a few weeks. Only a back pack of belongings, living out of the car, and a fresh start is an appealing opportunity. I’ve dreamt of leaving and pursuing the gypsy lifestyle for a while but is it really the answer to my desires? I consider the things keeping me here like my friends (however fragile those relationships may be), my schooling (which is on hold anyways), my family (who may frown upon my adventurous flight) and my God (with whom I bear the heaviest consequences for this choice). In my mind I have already decided to go but something radically has changed and uncertainty steeps my excitement. It seems silly, but my hopeful heart begs me to ask the question: am I giving up too easily and too soon on everything?

It goes beyond my relationship with James.  It’s been a slow breakdown of the 6…my lovely jankies have degraded, deformed, and deteriorated as the days have grown shorter (and the nights longer). Now as the sun begins retreating later in the evening, I wonder if there will be any peace, healing and restoration within our group. I’m considering that perhaps Jak is right: the truth of Ecclesiastes 3 is speaking to my life right now. If everything has a season and a purpose then maybe we have run the course of and fulfilled ours. A conversation with Mrs. H comes to mind as I recall her comments one sunny, Sunday morning. The word for word exchange escapes me but I do remember she expressed a sincere speculation about the seasonal longevity of the group’s intimate involvement. Would we survive the end of summer? 

Months ago the concept seemed irrational and unlikely but in the depths of winter the current reality seems to match up to the thought. I guess that I knew that it couldn't last forever. An endless parade of Wednesday nights in the park, road trips on the trail of musical meanderings, and cozy movie nights feel distant and superficial now. The longing for the way it used to be claws at my chest and I faintly feel a warmth return to my thoughts. It replaces the solid pit of sadness that sits heavy in my heart as of late (when I give thought to the group).

These kids are my friends and to run away seems selfish. I think about what Crystal said last night about everything maybe being in our heads…I still believe that we are falling apart. I see the jealousies, the way we argue, and how our coupling is dividing us. It frightens me because they have meant so much to me but what if this truly is a fictitious scenario created by my sub-conscience to feed my incessant need for drama and attention? My melodramatic, thespial persona can’t conjure something this creatively complex and implant it into my fractured imagination!

The hours of the night fade into the hours of morning and my tea is ice cold.  Sleep tugs at my eye lids and the familiar ache creeps into my stomach. This is not nearly finished; I fear this is just the beginning of something larger than I'm prepared for. A promise of more to come shall be kept, but for now I will seek some solace inside dreams and sleep.