garbage: and other pretty things

"us"

  

Relationships are not supposed to be easy and they are not meant to be hard, confusing, frustrating or hurtful either; being caught up in a loosely defined relationship has definitely proven this to me! Right now, James and I are coming out of a pretty rough spot in our friendship-relationship. After talking with his parents a while back about dating, relationships, "us" and the like...things started getting a little bit messier. Mr. and Mrs. B asked us the same thing we had been trying to answer for ourselves: what are we? It was the long overdue, much needed DTR (define the relationship). So many of the problems between us, in hindsight, appear to be caused by the fact that we didn't know what to call this, our relationship. See, labels like "just friends" or "dating" are important because each has correlating expectations, boundaries, and levels of communication/commitment/intimacy.

James and I have known each other about 9 months now, and since July it has been interesting as we deal with our emotions towards one another. For me, it started when I went to International Falls with the B family. Shortly before heading up there Jordan and I had a conversation; I told him that I was starting to like his brother but was afraid that it was merely another crush. Jordan advised me to keep my feelings to myself until I knew with more authority and certainty. While up north over the 4th of July I really began testing the waters and boundaries. Seeing how physical his family was, I became more comfortable being physical with James. The night we went to watch the fireworks I remember cuddling up to him; he was really upset that night, now that I think of it. We started holding hands and sorta cuddling after that and we talked a lot too, started getting really close.

After International Falls/4th of July weekend was Sonshine Music Festival. Admittedly, I was mostly excited for being able to hang out with James pretty much all the time, enjoying good music and stuff. He says that it was probably Sonshine when things changed for him. I remember one day when we were sitting in my tent talking (I was in there hiding, being janky and upset and stuff) and inside I was thinking about how much I liked him and how much I wanted him to like me too. Still wanting to be certain that I was clearly understanding what I was feeling I asked James if he liked me as more than friends, and he said he didn't. Not surprisingly I said the same thing. 

Sometime post-Sonshine when the group was at Taco Bell, I finally did it. I told him that I liked him. It wasn't until a week or two later when we were talking on Skype that he too admitted that he liked me too! 

Since then, about mid-August I would guess, we have been trying to balance our relationship. Technically, we were (and still are) "just friends" but desiring for more has been more than confusing. Uncertain of what exactly we were made it difficult to know our boundaries emotionally and physically. We realized that holding hands and being extra physically close wasn't helpful for us. It amplified, intensified, and clouded my judgment of my affections for him and honestly it has been a blessing since we stopped. After talking with his parents we also consented to developing our friendships outside of ourselves, investing in our other friends. We also stopped confiding and intimately communicating with each other; it was and still is hard to not share everylittlething with him since he is one of my best friends, but I know that we potentially have the rest of our lives to be friends. 

Change is something that I often struggle to cope with in a healthy way and all of the changes we have gone through haven't been easy. Finally defining our relationship as "just friends" and acting according to that set of rules/boundaries was very hard on us. Realizing that I wasn't ready for being "in a relationship" forced us to work on being friendly towards each other, absent of our romantic dreamings and discussions. In the middle-end of November things were exceptionally uncomfortable for us. Not talking about "us" seemed to mean not talking at all. Communication was dry, quick, absent, misunderstood and generally lacking.

About a week and a half ago we were able to talk and clarify some things. Using the "forrest" analogy for our relationship I realized that we had been kinda stuck in a rut. I was waiting for him to take a step forward, so I could follow his lead. He was waiting for some affirmation and confirmation from me that he should/could take a step. No wonder we weren't moving forward!

As it stands now, James and I are still only "just friends" and are working on our friendship. I am no longer panicked that it seems like our paths will never cross; I am more and more confident that those two maps that I wrote about before are the same. Being together and being his girlfriend is something I thought might never be actualized. Honestly, I feel like I have already made that heart-commitment to him and hopefully, will see that comittment returned in more tangible ways. A label might only be a word or title, but it's important. I need the definition, boundaries and borders of those labels and it really seems like being James's girlfriend is more appropriate for my level of affection and commitment. But, I must be patient now because it's my role as a godly woman to respond, not to lead. And as difficult as it is (especially for me) to let go of the control of this relationship, I know that God will guide it and take control. 

Whatever happens next, I will joyfully be content with because I know that God is purposeful, faithful and sovereign. His timing is perfect, His grace is sufficient and His love is enough! Praise the Lord!