Garbage Day

I just came back from meeting with a friend from college. She was a big influence in my life when we lived across the hall from each other my freshman year; we haven't gotten together since then, and hadn't even gotten to talk in depth since summer 2010!!! Yikes! She treated me to coffee and our time together was really good. I got to fill her in on my life from San Francisco until current (and relevant stuff prior to this season) and she filled me in on her life in the last few years as well. I feel blessed from our time. She has some of the most sincere and genuine faith out of anyone in my life, that is presented in a way that isn't just because of God's faithfulness in the "big" things but in the day to day life with Him. I confided in her that I'm currently at a point of recognizing the chaos and dysfunction in my life, and that (until a conversation with my roommate, Sara) I had a plan for re-purposing every area of my life, except the spiritual! Like I mentioned in my last message: I think it's time that I stop avoiding God. To be honest, that's plainly what I'm doing and it's foolish, for one cannot hide themselves from God!

In my conversation with Sara she called me out on a few things. Her assessment of my life was fair, and I received her kick-in-the-pants openly because in all honesty, she is right. I work maybe 30 hours a week, sleep 6-10 hours a day, and spend the rest of it virtually on myself meaning, literally virtually (online) and it's all centered around me and my "cool" lifestyle... read about it here. She encouraged me to get off my butt and serve somewhere. I'm blessed right now with a great deal of free time to use for the kingdom... and finding a second job (which is necessary to become truly financially stable). As she was pouring out this tough love I remembered a quote by Gandhi that was transforming for me in high school. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

When my life was in need of changing direction, I was propelled into motion while in service to others. It was after I began my active involvement in my home church that faith as living action happened in my life. It was after I started joining activities/sports in school that I made my homework a priority. It was after I volunteered in programs in my community that I learned personal responsibility. Kelsey said, "do first, feel later." You don't get the feel-good feelings and endorphin's from working out until after after you've ran 3 miles. You don't get true satisfaction from fleeting, deceitful feelings; in fact, they often lead us astray (though as we align with God's will, delighting in it, our desires--our feelings-- align with His, and that's why He loves to give us the desires of our hearts. That's true feeling, desire, and satisfaction.) 

I woke up the other morning and felt completely defeated. I remember tweeting: I'm not in a field, a maze, or on a train. I don't exist in those places. I am missing. Those are three different places that I've envisioned as metaphors for spiritual living. Yesterday, after going to Bloom church in the morning and then our fellowship gathering in the evening I became aware of why I can't identify my placement. Sara asked me a few weeks ago, "Janell, which Kingdom do you live in/for?" I didn't, couldn't, answer. But as our friends sat around last night talking about prayer, the body and the kingdom I realized that I haven't been living in the kingdom that God brought me into. In all honesty, I am fully living, serving, and pursuing a worldly life right now. 100%. It's like being adopted by the King into his kingdom, sharing in the inheritance, but choosing to remain living in the alleys of the town which he called you from. I've traveled from my home kingdom, to dwell in the filth of another. Not that I've lost my place or inheritance, but that I've left it behind because "the grass is greener" in the world (LIE); it's almost a prodigal story. There was some scripture shared that brought this together for me though I forget what verses.

As I write, God is gracing me with more vision to how each of these places are connected; they are one metaphor and not many! I'll share it with you once it's written out! Well, I wanted to have a more conclusive end to those first few paragraphs, but forget how I was going to tie it up. Perhaps just this thought: our lives are constantly in motion, no matter where we are. And that I have assurance (contrary to where I was a few years, even just 6 months ago) that I am sealed in the inheritance and that God won't let me wander astray forever. He will continue to call my name, inviting me home every time. I want to have a heart tuned to hear this call, and a spirit willing to obey, the strength to repent of myself, and a soul that longs for Home. I have done a good job in trying to quench that flame, but it's one that never goes out, thankfully! If you think to pray, pray that this flame would be fanned, and that the heat would warm my cold feet (my bridegroom is waiting for me), and that I would turn toward Him in humility, obedience and that I would be drawn to him, desiring him!