garbage: and other pretty things

Even though I should most definitely be going to sleep I have too much in my head to rest. This weekend has been very emotionally trying. My mind is going in many directions and I don't know where to start. It's been almost a year since I last went to Spooner to visit; the last time I was there was for Chris' funeral. And even though you'd think that would be a major contributor to my emotional state I doubt the sincerity of that statement. Chris helped me through a lot of the stuff post-Tate (is my life ever really "post-Tate"?) drama and being back in town knowing he was there threw me off balance. There is a fine line between my fear and desire to see him. Until I found out that he married Alyssa (who has a baby with Tate's brother Titus...) and welp, that pretty much ruined my ability to think right there. My heart stopped for about a minute and my mind started to sizzle and fry until I regained most of my composure.

On top of that I am still dealing with lingering feelings and thoughts on James. It's much better than a few months ago but I'm still not okay with everything. I accept it, and am blessed by the "break up" but the consequences of investing so much of my heart into him and that relationship are rippling through my life. To be sincerely honest with you despite all of the time I spend being affected by it, I haven't actually spent any time processing through and learning from it. Guessing that means it's about time to do another relationship-related post, huh?

On the bright side, and I do mean the bright side (on account of how white I am) I went swimming today for the first time this summer. That should change after Sonshine. If I go. I had doubts for a long time but they had been eradicated for a few months until recently. Financially, I don't know if it is a wise investment especially considering how far behind I am now that I spent everything I saved this year so far. Emotionally, it's hard to tell if it's going to be a good thing or not for my heart. Though specifics with that have to wait until a later post as well... I just don't have the consciousness to dig through that one tonight either. 

The main reason I am awake is because Alex is on his way home tonight and I want to make sure to be up if he needs someone to talk to and so I know he makes it home okay. After dinner we headed into town and stopped over to say goodbye to Sarah and Jeff. Instead of staying just a few minutes we were there for almost 45 minutes! Once we were officially on the road back to the cities we decided to try to make it in time to catch the Anoka fireworks. We did. Met up with Luke, who I don't know very well... and some of his friends. It was nice, but flash backs to last year hit kinda hard. They were the kind of memories that show you your ugly side. 


Posts coming soon RE: James/break up, the Group, and my heart (spiritually)!