How Do You Measure a Year?

How Do You Measure a Year?

In cups of coffee? In alarms snoozed? 

Hugs? Hello's? Maybe in miles spent or moments shared?

Friends gained? Enemies made?

It's been about a year since my dad dropped me off outside Bethlehem Baptist Church on a windy and sunny Sunday morning; It was my first time there. Jordan had invited me to hang out at his church after we had hung out a few times before. I arrived early with my backpack, a duffel bag, a pillow and sat huddled on the floor for about 40 minutes waiting for him. Smelling like smoke and mildew I am not surprised that not a single soul acknowledged me which encouraged my quickly retreating confidence to further pull back. Surrounded by unfamiliar faces I was flooded with relief when I received the text from Jordan saying that he was finally there. Moments later he appeared and two others tagged along. Somewhat awkward casual greetings were exchanged and then we four headed into the service (which had already started). We sat along the back wall on the floor. I was incredibly uncomfortable and insecure because I knew that I smelled raunchy. But everyone was polite and friendly, not mentioning my odor. After being dismissed we exited the sanctuary and more fully did introductions. The first was Shea: the silent conversationalist. She was tall and plainly beautiful, looking remarkably like her older sibling. Robert was long-haired and visually out of place amongst the sea of Sunday's best dressed. A few visits later would reveal more friends and as winter became spring, and spring finally warmed to summer the group had been defined with Jordan, DeLaney, Robert, Crystal, James and Shea. Of course other's are intermingled within the time contained in a year, but these were my Lovely Jankies: The beloved friends of inner circle of my heart.

It's been 2 weeks since what I call "the breakup" which really is just the end of something good, and the beginning of something better. Beyond the romantically inclined relationship that I had with James (which will be blogged about soon, I promise!) the break up of the group has been heavy on my heart lately. The ones that I once called my friends, now sometimes feel like my enemies. Just saying that makes my heart turn and twist a little.

...slow spinning redemption...

I'm considering moving to Joplin, MO with Opal in a few weeks. Only a back pack of belongings, living out of the car, and a fresh start is an appealing opportunity. I’ve dreamt of leaving and pursuing the gypsy lifestyle for a while but is it really the answer to my desires? I consider the things keeping me here like my friends (however fragile those relationships may be), my schooling (which is on hold anyways), my family (who may frown upon my adventurous flight) and my God (with whom I bear the heaviest consequences for this choice). In my mind I have already decided to go but something radically has changed and uncertainty steeps my excitement. It seems silly, but my hopeful heart begs me to ask the question: am I giving up too easily and too soon on everything?

It goes beyond my relationship with James.  It’s been a slow breakdown of the 6…my lovely jankies have degraded, deformed, and deteriorated as the days have grown shorter (and the nights longer). Now as the sun begins retreating later in the evening, I wonder if there will be any peace, healing and restoration within our group. I’m considering that perhaps Jak is right: the truth of Ecclesiastes 3 is speaking to my life right now. If everything has a season and a purpose then maybe we have run the course of and fulfilled ours. A conversation with Mrs. H comes to mind as I recall her comments one sunny, Sunday morning. The word for word exchange escapes me but I do remember she expressed a sincere speculation about the seasonal longevity of the group’s intimate involvement. Would we survive the end of summer? 

"us"

  

Relationships are not supposed to be easy and they are not meant to be hard, confusing, frustrating or hurtful either; being caught up in a loosely defined relationship has definitely proven this to me! Right now, James and I are coming out of a pretty rough spot in our friendship-relationship. After talking with his parents a while back about dating, relationships, "us" and the like...things started getting a little bit messier. Mr. and Mrs. B asked us the same thing we had been trying to answer for ourselves: what are we? It was the long overdue, much needed DTR (define the relationship). So many of the problems between us, in hindsight, appear to be caused by the fact that we didn't know what to call this, our relationship. See, labels like "just friends" or "dating" are important because each has correlating expectations, boundaries, and levels of communication/commitment/intimacy.

So, it's been a while since I posted an entry with the latest insights into my ridiculous, yet wonderful life. I don't even know where to start! I am at my grandparents house in Fergus Falls, MN because I am terribly behind in my class and I was hoping that by coming up here I would be able to get a lot done. Well, I've done more homework today than I have done in the last four days! I am almost positive, by 99% that I will fail this class a second time and as a result,  flunk out of college a second time as well. Perhaps, with this next semester off I can figure my life out?

I can honestly say that I am a mess! My priorities are truly screwed up. I keep thinking that if I can just get married, then worry about the rest...then maybe it will be easier to grow up and to do things right. I doubt that really works, and I don't think that is the right way to go about it. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be 19 years old and have no idea what you're doing with your life? When I was graduating from high school I had my life pretty well mapped out. I was going to college for four to five years at a pretty awesome liberal Christian college, going to 5 years of seminary, then getting a real job. Somewhere in there was falling in love and getting married, starting a family and saving the world.

So much for that...I mean, I totally trust God. And I'm trying to accept the fact that His (perfect) plans are often, almost always, going to oppose mine. It's hard to cling to the truth that He has ordained every moment of my life. I mean, was it really God's will for me to go through everything last fall? Was I really meant to flunk out of college? How do I find the right balance of accepting responsibility for my actions while giving God total credit?

Okay, so I'm heading back to the cities tomorrow morning. I have to be at the bus stop at 7am. On the bright side, Nana said that she would buy me coffee for my trip! Seriously, I am slightly nervous. Sure, it's a public transit bus so their could be some freaky creeper and who knows maybe I won't make it home! Fine! That is highly unlikely but that doesn't make it less scary!

When I get back life isn't going to slow down much. With it being the holidays maybe I shouldn't expect it to slow down. Even if my life were to balance out I don't think that it would last because I get so easily bored. Very truly I admit that I love my go-go-go lifestyle. It's hard being a home-body but hating to be home! Anyways, after I get to town I am heading to my mom's work, going to "study" there until she is done. After she drops me off at home I have to head over to church, and work to pick up my check. I'm anxious, nervous and excited to see my friends again. Thursday is pretty open, homework only. Friday I am working for Mr. B along with the other kids too. We are doing the yearly total inventory at WIT and the pay is like ten dollars an hour! I sooo could use the money! Saturday Shea mentioned shopping, and it's Opal's moving away party that night. We are ordering Buffalo Wild Wings and playing boardgames! I am really going to miss her!

Sunday is church, obviously. And all my class work is due at midnight. Is it even worth it to keep going? I know that I am incapable of completing the course, so should I just forget about it? I think I will do some more, as to show I am not giving up...though I gave up a long time ago.

Wow! This is ridiculously long already! And I haven't even started on the relationship stuff yet! Haha, perhaps I will do that after "the talk" ...James and I have been working hard at being just friends. It's really not easy! But, I'll do a short separate post about it! For now, I think it's time to publish this, and do one more!=)

The Forest

we are in the forest, walking. 

it goes on endlessly.

radiant, glorious light comes from every angle.

it floods the forest with love.

we are all questing after the source of the light.

that is why we are here, walking.

the tree's are tall.

the path is rocky, narrow.

sometimes we see footprints of those who came before us.

sometimes the path has never been trod upon.

i was in this forest. 

stumbling through the dense growth.

my clumsy feet trip on roots and rocks.

often times i wander, aimlessly. lost.

and He comes along.

He takes my hand, and gently leads me forward.

but many times i unlace my fingers from His.