25 by 25

I turn 20 on Friday, this is my list of 25 things to do before I turn 25:

1. take a roadtrip

2. pay off my school debts

3. move out of my moms house

4. finish my story (ellena)

5. make some jewelry out of my odds n ends box

6. learn to make delicious vegetarian/vegan meals

7. take my dad and step mom out to dinner

8. get my own cell phone/plan

9. perform music for a live audience

10. organize all of my music collection

11. organize all of my photography

13. learn how to dance (ballroom/swing)

14. become a mentor to a younger girl

15. make myself a new wardrobe

16. have a "real" job

17. get into better physical shape

18. be homeless, for a little while

19. travel and live (shorterm) in a foreign place

20. get to know my extended family better

21. volunteer someplace that makes a difference

22. watch every episode of Sailor moon/Dragon Ball

23. work in a cafe/coffee shop

24. update my autobiography

25. read Moby Dick, and other classics

“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” – Henry Ford

Even though I should most definitely be going to sleep I have too much in my head to rest. This weekend has been very emotionally trying. My mind is going in many directions and I don't know where to start. It's been almost a year since I last went to Spooner to visit; the last time I was there was for Chris' funeral. And even though you'd think that would be a major contributor to my emotional state I doubt the sincerity of that statement. Chris helped me through a lot of the stuff post-Tate (is my life ever really "post-Tate"?) drama and being back in town knowing he was there threw me off balance. There is a fine line between my fear and desire to see him. Until I found out that he married Alyssa (who has a baby with Tate's brother Titus...) and welp, that pretty much ruined my ability to think right there. My heart stopped for about a minute and my mind started to sizzle and fry until I regained most of my composure.

On top of that I am still dealing with lingering feelings and thoughts on James. It's much better than a few months ago but I'm still not okay with everything. I accept it, and am blessed by the "break up" but the consequences of investing so much of my heart into him and that relationship are rippling through my life. To be sincerely honest with you despite all of the time I spend being affected by it, I haven't actually spent any time processing through and learning from it. Guessing that means it's about time to do another relationship-related post, huh?

Life

I've been busy lately; if only I had more time to do all of the things I am working on right now. Between my bumping social life, working 30+ hours a week, going to church, photography, story, writers group, working out, looking for a car, meeting with my mentor, getting set up for school and the endless cleaning I always find myself doing it's no wonder that my blog has been slow. I owe you a proper update on the matters of my heart..... my heart needs it too.

Red, White, Black and Blue

Monster

She wonders if it's true

"the first cut is the deepest"

and in one night

it all comes unglued

just when the pain faded

a memory returned

leaving her hurt and jaded

the boy who knew it all

didn't bother to call

blue eyes peircing deep

reaching down into her soul

blindly, she followed him

and let herself go

became a monster

almost

bad was never bad enough.

 06/08/2010