P31: Day Twenty-Five

What inspires you? What are you currently loving? From fashion, to music, to nature and anything else you can think of! As always... PICTURES!!!

beauty quote of the day:

like charity, i believe glamour should begin at home. (Loretta Young)

P31: Day Twenty-Four

How's life?

Life is beyond confusing right now. My cellphone is turned off because my mom can't afford to pay our bills; she can't even put food on the table or make the mortgage payment. So September 1st she is cutting our cable, house line, and probably our internet too. Hopefully moving out will help too. One less mouth to feed, one less person showering and using electricity, one less person driving the car all over (maintenance and gas), one less person in the way. 

I know it's not easy on her. She has a lot going on with her life too; most of which I don't even know about. I guess I hope that moving out makes our relationship stronger. It won't fix it, and I can't count on it to change anything really. Honestly I miss being in college when on weekends I could come home, spend some time with my mom and then leave again. But she was always just a phone call away. I feel farther away from her now that I'm living in her house than I did before.

Tomorrow her and I are going to sit down and talk about what I'm doing with my phone. I don't think it's wise to go to San Francisco without a cell phone. And with limited funds I don't think I can afford to get my own plan. Jordan mentioned the idea of trading my computer (which he was considering buying from me) for his old smartphone and then paying me the difference. It would be nice because I'd have my phone and internet right there in my pocket, all the time. But I don't know if I can afford a data plan and I hate the idea of not having all of my pictures and music with me. Even if I upload the files to my Sky Drive through my email, they are only available temporarily. 

On the brightside my school loan repayments are decreased for October through March so I only have to pay the interest. That helps quite a bit but I still have to figure out how to pay for September. I have enough money to pay it but that leaves nothing left to live off of. So instead of paying on the first like I usually do I will wait til I get to San Francisco and see what I have once I get there.

Speaking of seeing what I have when I get there... did I mention that I currently have no home or job when I arrive? That's right. There is no one on the other side to meet me or pick me up from the bus station. As much as I'd like to be able to travel homelessly like Kaleb I don't think that is best for a small town girl from backwoods Minnesota. The plan right now is to stay the first night in a hostel and then show up to the church and meet and greet and hopefully someone will open their home to me. 

It's not a great plan; but I have to trust that God will provide for me. Of course I haven't spent any time with Him on this since July. Sure, I've had a few days where in studying scripture it's seemed like this is His will and that this is right, but I haven't prayed. I'm giving myself a week to have a home (even if it's still temporary) and if not then I suppose I'll get a bus back to Minnesota. I don't even know if I want to go anymore. I mean I want to but I'm so afraid of letting people down again or failing. It would be so easy to just start over right here in Minnesota. 

And when I look at it now I realize that living here right now, today, isn't that much different than what I'll be living like in SF. I don't have a job. Yeah, I have a home. And I have connections (my life is swarming with people who love and care) to rely on. I have the freedom to stay at moms, or move out. I guess I didn't see how many options I had before me until now. Because that was part of my desire to leave in the first place; I saw my life on one track, without enough other options before me and I got scared. 

Would it be so bad to just stay? To get a new job, or 3 and build up my savings, my own phone, eventually get my own place, pay off my loan, get back to school, and get "back on track"? None of that is going to be easy either. I can do that in SF too, but at what cost? Leaving my family? My friends? My church and any other form of structure or security I have? To gain what? To say that I did it on my own? Maybe. 

Janell, remember this: "I used to think all of this stuff was valuable until I realized what Christ has done. Yeah, everything else is worthless when compared to Him. Because of Jesus I have discarded everything, counting it as garbage, because now I can have and be one with Him."

Sure, it's freaking scary to be doing this alone, without a plan, without money, without every thing you're told you need. But this is a step of faith! Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) And we are made right with God by our faith. (Phil 3:9c) If I have no doubt that this is God's will then I should have no doubt that He has it under control. I hope that I'm not wrong; I hope that this brings me closer to God. I want to be radical for him. More than my life limits me because He is bigger than my life.

Alrighty. So, that's pretty much my life right now.

beauty quote of the day:

Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the true beauty of their carvings. (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

P31: Day Twenty-Three

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

I'm beginning to dislike these questions that make me focus so much on myself. When I was younger I spent hours upon hours self-examining myself through personality tests, psychology books, or anything else that gave me insight into me. Which meant that I at one point had all these answers mapped out and ready to go. But it's harder to look at myself on my own now and see everything that the quizzes and studies said. So, I'm gonna look at one of my qualities and explore the strengths and weaknesses of being so darn positive!

strength: glass overflowing allows me to see the best in everyone; makes me a lighthearted and joyful person to be around. my gift of encouragement pours from this pot of positivity. 

weakness: I have a hard time relating to people in times of sadness and hardship; it's probably annoying to others. I tend to count on my attitude to help others without my extra (intentional) efforts.

So, what are your strengths and weaknesses? How do they affect you and your relationships? 

beauty quote of the day:

Poetry is something to make us wiser and better, by continually revealing those types of beauty and truth, which God has set in all men's souls. (James Russell Lowell)

P31: Day Twenty-Two

Blog about how to extend your hand to those who need you.

Originally this post was to be in the context of meeting the need in your community but because I am leaving Minnesota I figured that I would write about this instead. Every day my life is touched and touches others. Others who are hurting, sad, confused, frustrated, angry, bitter, prideful, selfish, lusting, and broken. It's my responsibility to steward my life in a way that glorifies God and allows him to use me to meet others needs.

"Our natural way is to treat others how we think they ought to be treated (never mind the verses in James 2 where we are called to live lives against partiality and favoritism). He challenges us to give better than they deserve. That idea is simple yet something worth pausing over. Give more than they need? I always look at how to help someone but I don't think about how to do more for them than they ask. It's a bit of a radical call if you ask me. I hope I get a chance to do it, too!" [excerpt from this post I wrote for Speak Love].

Our lives are a walking ministry to others. Help others by living consciously and thoughtfully. Ask God to show you the need of others around you (whether you've known them your whole life, or only a moment in passing on the street) then ask him to challenge you to go above and beyond what they need or ask for.

beauty quote of the day:

think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. (Anne Frank)

P31: Day Twenty-One

To my future husband:

I am so unworthy of the love you have for me. And I thank God now for you. Whatever you experience or go through before we meet is perfectly purposed and I can't wait to get to know you. And to serve you with the love that Christ placed in me. 

Love, In Christ, your future wife,

Janell.

[note: I plan on re-posting this with a deeper, more honest and full letter. I'm just overwhelmed with life right now to think about the amazing man God will give me to one day!]

beauty quote of the day:

it is part and parcel of every man's life to develop beauty in himself. all perfect things have in them an element of beauty. (Henry Ward Beecher)