P31: Day Twenty-Four

How's life?

Life is beyond confusing right now. My cellphone is turned off because my mom can't afford to pay our bills; she can't even put food on the table or make the mortgage payment. So September 1st she is cutting our cable, house line, and probably our internet too. Hopefully moving out will help too. One less mouth to feed, one less person showering and using electricity, one less person driving the car all over (maintenance and gas), one less person in the way. 

I know it's not easy on her. She has a lot going on with her life too; most of which I don't even know about. I guess I hope that moving out makes our relationship stronger. It won't fix it, and I can't count on it to change anything really. Honestly I miss being in college when on weekends I could come home, spend some time with my mom and then leave again. But she was always just a phone call away. I feel farther away from her now that I'm living in her house than I did before.

Tomorrow her and I are going to sit down and talk about what I'm doing with my phone. I don't think it's wise to go to San Francisco without a cell phone. And with limited funds I don't think I can afford to get my own plan. Jordan mentioned the idea of trading my computer (which he was considering buying from me) for his old smartphone and then paying me the difference. It would be nice because I'd have my phone and internet right there in my pocket, all the time. But I don't know if I can afford a data plan and I hate the idea of not having all of my pictures and music with me. Even if I upload the files to my Sky Drive through my email, they are only available temporarily. 

On the brightside my school loan repayments are decreased for October through March so I only have to pay the interest. That helps quite a bit but I still have to figure out how to pay for September. I have enough money to pay it but that leaves nothing left to live off of. So instead of paying on the first like I usually do I will wait til I get to San Francisco and see what I have once I get there.

Speaking of seeing what I have when I get there... did I mention that I currently have no home or job when I arrive? That's right. There is no one on the other side to meet me or pick me up from the bus station. As much as I'd like to be able to travel homelessly like Kaleb I don't think that is best for a small town girl from backwoods Minnesota. The plan right now is to stay the first night in a hostel and then show up to the church and meet and greet and hopefully someone will open their home to me. 

It's not a great plan; but I have to trust that God will provide for me. Of course I haven't spent any time with Him on this since July. Sure, I've had a few days where in studying scripture it's seemed like this is His will and that this is right, but I haven't prayed. I'm giving myself a week to have a home (even if it's still temporary) and if not then I suppose I'll get a bus back to Minnesota. I don't even know if I want to go anymore. I mean I want to but I'm so afraid of letting people down again or failing. It would be so easy to just start over right here in Minnesota. 

And when I look at it now I realize that living here right now, today, isn't that much different than what I'll be living like in SF. I don't have a job. Yeah, I have a home. And I have connections (my life is swarming with people who love and care) to rely on. I have the freedom to stay at moms, or move out. I guess I didn't see how many options I had before me until now. Because that was part of my desire to leave in the first place; I saw my life on one track, without enough other options before me and I got scared. 

Would it be so bad to just stay? To get a new job, or 3 and build up my savings, my own phone, eventually get my own place, pay off my loan, get back to school, and get "back on track"? None of that is going to be easy either. I can do that in SF too, but at what cost? Leaving my family? My friends? My church and any other form of structure or security I have? To gain what? To say that I did it on my own? Maybe. 

Janell, remember this: "I used to think all of this stuff was valuable until I realized what Christ has done. Yeah, everything else is worthless when compared to Him. Because of Jesus I have discarded everything, counting it as garbage, because now I can have and be one with Him."

Sure, it's freaking scary to be doing this alone, without a plan, without money, without every thing you're told you need. But this is a step of faith! Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. (Hebrews 11:1) And we are made right with God by our faith. (Phil 3:9c) If I have no doubt that this is God's will then I should have no doubt that He has it under control. I hope that I'm not wrong; I hope that this brings me closer to God. I want to be radical for him. More than my life limits me because He is bigger than my life.

Alrighty. So, that's pretty much my life right now.

beauty quote of the day:

Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the true beauty of their carvings. (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)