Dig

i've been boy crazy for as long as i can remember.

from early childhood.

maybe its because my dad left when i was so young, and he didn't do fatherhood that great.

maybe its because i've lacked biblical instruction on pretty much everything.

maybe its because i'm messed up for no reason.

but boys and me mix like sugar and water.

its sweet, but really bad for you.

 and in the end isn't that great; it just makes your stomach hurt.

basically, my whole life, has revolved around guys.

loving them.

hating them.

 trying to get them to love me.

its about looking for love

longing for love.

and before christ,

thats how i found it.

or what i thought was love.

and even now, i know about Gods love.

but its not real,

and im still choosing to look in the wrong places.

its easier to look for love in meaningless relationships, rather than to love Christ.

my "first love" was in 7 grade

i walked him to his bus and as we hugged goodbye i whispered in his ear "f*** me"

we were together for four months.

then we broke up.

and he haunted me for five years.

Well, in 8th grade i fell in love with a boy. and the sum of it is i still love him. in a sick, twisted, broken kind of way.

he has been my motivation for everything (almost) since we "met"

and tonight, i can't stop thinking about him.

we went to school together in middleschool but in 6  grade he moved away, we reconnected and actually developed a friendship ingrade8.

basically, no amount of time or space could stop my feelings for him. years could pass with out talking, and we would just fall in love all over again.

and eachtime he pushed me away i swore it was the last

and in between times there have been countless others who i thought could fill the void

he was my reason for hoping, he was my savior, and is the reason i am where i am

i mean, tis gods doing, but its this boy that motivated me

i used to be a pretty messed up kid.

and he made me want to be better.

i wanted to make him love me as much as i loved him. wanted to be a girl he could be proud of. to be someone who was good enough for him. he desrved the best.

so i changed

to get him back

to prove to him

that he was worth it

and as i  was getting better, turns out he was changing too.

we reversed roles.

but the problem was the same.

anyways, boys...

i've had idk how many

"boyfriends" i have had so while i might be able to impress folks with a innocent, sweetness, im defective tainted and weak.

i'm used goods.

i mean, its in Gods plan somewhere right?

i can see now Gods fingerprints in mylife.

but still.

its a lot of boys i kissed and held hands with that i don't even remember

they don't matter.

the grace part is that time and time again, God is gracious.

thats what my name means you know, God is gracious.

im weak.

it doesn't take much and i say "to hell with the world"

then its off to the races, i'm going down down down and the enemy  mocks

gods heart breaks, cause his love is so big, but its not enough for me.

i've stopped caring about relationships

im just so confused

i'm so stuck in my sin, my need

I love him, and he is overseas, and i don't know if hes okay and i miss him like crazy and i want to be with him even though God said He has someone better

tragic, and romantic

i just wish i could go back and undo it all

i wish i could have grown up a christian, knowing that God loved me. so that i wouldn't ahve looked in all those places.

wouldn't have been so lonely.

wouldn't have hurt myself and those i cared about.

wouldn't have earned all this bagage.

i just want to be free

even if i say im giving it up to Christ, i don't let go.

and if i do let go, the memories are enough to hold me down

i can't get it to be real.

its in my head, i know the truth

but its not enough

i'm supposed to be upbeat.

happy.

joyful.

shining the light.

thats what people should see.

its authentic real joy when im with people

but when im alone, its dark and heavy and lonely

i've been there.

time and time again, but not all the time.

i just keep running from God

as if he doesn't know

but he does

i keep ignoring him though

i can't even talk to him

nothing more than a lunch time prayer

or a praisethelord! for my friends

i'm avoiding things

and part of me wants to keep running.

so that i don't have to admit to God how messed up i am

even though i know he knos

i'm trying.

slowly, slowly slowly

its choking me.

Spirit reveals. convicts.
but never condemns.

Regret

Its wrong.
Its sin.
But I don't regret it.
I don't feel bad.

Not Tonight

Down. But not out.

I looked once again to his profile. Just seeing his face breaks my heart. I don't know why I love him so much. No, this can't even be called love. It's some kind of sick obsession. It's unreal. I mean, we went four years without any contact before, and it was fine. I stilled loved him. And I guess I never really thought goodbye meant goodbye. 

But this time is different. 

He deleted me off his friends awhile ago. But today I realized that he for once stuck to his word. He said he wanted to start over and that he was picking who was in his life and who had to go. I had to go. But so did alot of other people. That makes me feel better. But I still hate it that I wasn't chosen by him to stay in his life. I mean, what did I do?

Why didn't I get to stay?

And how come I even care.

We were gonna get married. We talked about it. Committed. Loved. 

But love isn't enough.

Not this kind of love.

I just feel so...I can't even explain it. Maybe I should get off my butt and eat an apple or an orange or something.

Maybe I should just cry.

I don't do that so that option is out.

I wish I had someone to talk to. But even though I have so many people who love me and who would be willing to listen, what do I say? Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I feel like shit right now! Thanks for asking!

It doesn't work.

I don't have anyone here who knows. 

Who feels this.

I am alone in this one.

It's just me and God, and I am so ashamed that I can't even turn to God. 

I just don't really know how to feel. 

All that I guess I really know is that I have things to do.

A life to live. 

And love to give.

God, help me to turn this over to you. I know that I need Your help in this. I gave you SMS and wasn't the last time I got totally real with you? Phew! That is quite a while ago! One or two years almost isn't it? God, I need to let go. Its been too long and I need to let go. I need to let go. I don't want to. I mean, I do. My mind wants to. But my heart wont. Or is it reverse? I can't tell. 

Time to put on my makeup.

Time to get up.

Get out.

Cause this boy isn't going to stop me tonight.

No.

Not tonight.

Amazing

I am so amazed at how great our God is! The more I seek him and the more he reveals himself to me, the more I want to know him! It's truly beautiful.