Not Tonight

Down. But not out.

I looked once again to his profile. Just seeing his face breaks my heart. I don't know why I love him so much. No, this can't even be called love. It's some kind of sick obsession. It's unreal. I mean, we went four years without any contact before, and it was fine. I stilled loved him. And I guess I never really thought goodbye meant goodbye. 

But this time is different. 

He deleted me off his friends awhile ago. But today I realized that he for once stuck to his word. He said he wanted to start over and that he was picking who was in his life and who had to go. I had to go. But so did alot of other people. That makes me feel better. But I still hate it that I wasn't chosen by him to stay in his life. I mean, what did I do?

Why didn't I get to stay?

And how come I even care.

We were gonna get married. We talked about it. Committed. Loved. 

But love isn't enough.

Not this kind of love.

I just feel so...I can't even explain it. Maybe I should get off my butt and eat an apple or an orange or something.

Maybe I should just cry.

I don't do that so that option is out.

I wish I had someone to talk to. But even though I have so many people who love me and who would be willing to listen, what do I say? Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I feel like shit right now! Thanks for asking!

It doesn't work.

I don't have anyone here who knows. 

Who feels this.

I am alone in this one.

It's just me and God, and I am so ashamed that I can't even turn to God. 

I just don't really know how to feel. 

All that I guess I really know is that I have things to do.

A life to live. 

And love to give.

God, help me to turn this over to you. I know that I need Your help in this. I gave you SMS and wasn't the last time I got totally real with you? Phew! That is quite a while ago! One or two years almost isn't it? God, I need to let go. Its been too long and I need to let go. I need to let go. I don't want to. I mean, I do. My mind wants to. But my heart wont. Or is it reverse? I can't tell. 

Time to put on my makeup.

Time to get up.

Get out.

Cause this boy isn't going to stop me tonight.

No.

Not tonight.

Amazing

I am so amazed at how great our God is! The more I seek him and the more he reveals himself to me, the more I want to know him! It's truly beautiful.

Loud enough

I love him. In some sick, twisted and sad way, I love him. I have for so long and I just wish things were different. He is being deployed this month sometime. He will be gone. He is gone. I think he was gone the day I walked out of that house. When the screen door closed and my breath hung frozen in the air as I paused on the stoop that brisk fall day and let out a frustrated sigh; it was over.

Don't do it.
I deleted his number so that I wouldn't pause over it as I looked through my contacts list.
So that I wouldn't think about him so much.
So that it would make it easier to deal with the fact that he doesn't love me.
That after ten years of being brought together, and torn apart, after all the time and space and things we went through, after everything I had given to him, shared with him, he still didn't love me.

I wonder if he ever thinks about  me.
Does he miss me?
Does he regret telling me he wanted nothing to do with me?
His smile again, his hazel-green eyes, his crooked smile: it's tearing me apart.

God, how can I love him so much? The past few weeks have been great! I don't remember the last time I even thought about him....oh wait, yes I do.

This day. Just a few hours ago. Less than two. I was joyful in the Lord, being brought to tears at how He provides. I was at The Undivded. I asked God to send someone to me to pray for me, and He did. She came over (Jewel) and just asked if she could pray for me.

I mean, with in a few minutes of asking for Him to reveal Himself that way He did.

But after that a darkness seemed to settle in.

And now my music can't get loud enough.
And I wish I could just go driving in my car and drive too fast.

Good Week

This week has been a good week. God is teaching me, and I feel myself changing. But I am afraid that this is only a temporary high...the crash is coming. And then I will be back where I was. At the same time I am hopeful that this isn't just a rush, that there is some substance behind it. I want this to be real. To be continual.

I know my friends are a big part of it. Mariah is truly becoming my best friend. And I can't wait to go deeper with her. And now Tina too! God thank you!

Change me, O God!

I wrote this a few months ago, and I am still struggling!


October 3rd, 2009
A million memories rush through my head,
insomnia keeps me from my bed,
and thoughts of you keep me awake
how much longer until i break
this is the part where i will admit i am getting what i deserved.
the past bridged with the present
looking to the future with blinded eyes
and muted hearts.
shame and regreat holds on tight
what is for me, for you, and for Him
nothing seems to work out the way i want
i gave it all, all that i got
and each time what i had was lost
lost between what was wrong and right
lost between the sheets
in the darkness of the night.

October 3rd, 2009
One time
was all it took to shatter the fragile world I created
built around the idea that I could do it on my own.
One kiss
and I let the mask of innocent and purity fall
in shattered peices it lay on the floor.
One touch
the feeling felt down into the depths of my body
compromise never felt like this before.
One time
was all it took to open the gates to my childhood
and let all the memories enter my life again.
One night
and a lifetime of regrets and shame filter in
adding to the already confusing story book.
One boy
came in between a good girl and her morals.
One boy
came in between a Good God and His child.
One boy
came in between a past and future.
One boy
came in to a life.
And one boy
took it
away.


God, forgive me! I am not worthy of even praising you when I can't follow what you ask of me. My unclean mind and unpure heart are stained with sin and shame and regret and I am bearing, bruised fruit from it. Lord, I want to give it up to you! Erase it from my heart, my mind, my body! Only you can do that. Restore me, Christ, that I can leave behind my lusty heart and evil mouth. I want to worship you, not man, not any man, not my body, not the way it can feel. Let me be yours. Noone elses. Not his, not the devils.
I am sorry...for always turning away Lord. How can I deny you? I am falling so short, and straying so far!

Even now I continue to bathe in sin! Wash me in Your righteousness and cleanse me! God, I can't do this on my own! My spirit is so weak...my flesh craves the attention. Why am I letting the evil one have so much power over me?! God, I can't do this! I need you! Help me to stay pure. Take my lusty desires! Blind my eyes to romance. I want only to love you! I want you! I don't want anyboy! I want you Lord!