Complicated and Confused

James = Levi. 

Tonight my friend Tim came over for dinner. We had discovered a mutual love for cooking and thought it would be fun to combine his culinary delights with my grill mastery so we waited the whole summer for this night! He marinaded some pork chops in a soysauce/honey/pineapple/someotherthingsican'tremember marinade. I prepared (with Tim's help) a simple fruit salad using mixed fruit, crushed pineapple, mandarin oranges, a box of banana cream pudding, and cool whip. For a "vegetable" we sliced potatoes, added shredded carrots, and fresh green onions, with some pepper, butter, and celery salt. We grilled. We consumed. We talked. We laughed.

Tim and I made these plans a long time ago. A few months. Shortly after I had told him that I liked him. See, though we had met last fall through Fresh Faces (a theatre showcase for new theatre students) and throughout the year had a few conversations, brief as they were. Spring semester we started talking a bit more, and connected through a few mutual friends. Our friends Dave, CJ, their roomie, Tim and I (and another girl named Elisabeth) met every few weeks to watch a show called Firefly. Tim and I also talked some on our own, we encouraged one another, prayed for eachother if it was needed (isn't it always!?) and as the weather got warmer, we took a few walks around campus together.

Tim is a History major of some sort. He wants to be a college professor. He is six foot eight inches tall. He is pretty nearly the most joyful man I know. He is a wonderful friend, and I got a crush on him. Now, because of my past and my "issues" with boys I spent quite a bit of time in prayer over this. I wanted to make sure that my affections were not misplaced or misleading. It is really easy to fall in love with the Jesus inside of someone. God had been faithful the entire year I was at NWC that I could see the distinction from "like" and "like-like" so I hoped He would help me again see what it was that I was feeling with Tim.

Well, the semester ended. Summer began. Tim and I talked some. Not an awful lot but texting was normal to talk every few days or so. Towards the end of the early part of summer (Mid-June?) I mentioned to Tim that I needed to be certain of my feelings towards him. Shortly there after we talked on the phone and I explained to him everything....what I was feeling, what I had been praying...etc. He said that he had not thought about it before but that now he could see that (so far at least) he had seen nothing that would make him turn from me.

Long story short, we decided to just continue in friendship. I was soooo okay with that. We talked occasionally, and as the summer expired those times lessened.

Then I started to like James. I don't even know when that started. I guess I saw it coming for me way in the beginning. Maybe as far back as Jordan's birthday. I remember one of the first things I said to him. Something about congrats on the job (he had just been hired at Papa Murphy's) and happy birthday. Only I said it in a way that only I can do: adorable awkward. Oh, I do mean that humbly. Then the "group" went to Hudson for a FATS show (instigated by me!!!) and James and I were paired up in the back of the van, no seats, just chillin' in the back. He was obviously moody. And only an hour before that had he asked for my number (we were at Crystal's band concert, and I think I knew then what was coming).

So, things with James are kinda grr right now. We like each other. And it's super-complicating things. I wish we could just talk till we had talked about everything we needed to say. Of course we would never run out of those things.

I am so confused. I am confusing him. He isn't super good at sharing or saying what he is feeling. I am thinking he is dropping pebbles, so I loosen the grip on mine and they kinda trickle out with out me really noticing (cause I am looking for his...). He is doing things so well. I wonder sometimes if he is doing it because he wants to do it right, or because he is afraid of doing it wrong. He and Crystal had a thing. Ew, I don't wanna call it that. They were really close before I really knew them...and I guess it was super intense. Like, hours and hours and hours on the phone texting/talking. About everything. They were freaking building stuff with their pebbles (from what I understand). James told me that they talked about marriage....and ya. Jordan says they pretty much were planning on getting married or something. Now, James isn't like me. He isn't super experienced in those kind of relationships. And so...it's hard for me to understand what he is feeling. I try to think of my first real relationship; it took me years to get over Shawn. Sometimes the temptation arises for me to get dragged into those feelings. But I shake them somehow.

I don't know how I feel about Crystal and James' excursion. Jame's is still hurting by it because its not resolved. And its not. Oh, I wish Crystal knew. And I wish Robert didn't get so jealous. And I wish that she would not have used James to get the attention she really wanted from Robert. And James doesn't feel like she really apologized. That she should be forgiven...? Ahhh, Idk. I am not in his head so I won't say what he feels or thinks.

The other night he looked through his old phone and saw messages from back then. It's messed him up a little bit. A lot actually. I mean, I know how messed up I get when I see Tate's face. Or think about him. Ah, and James is all worried about that too. Afraid that someone who I have all this history with could come back and change everything. That idea scares me too. I want to say that it wouldn't happen. But it could. Tate is...Tate. And I wonder if he came back, would I stand where I was, or would I run? Part of me lets the hope that we will be together linger, and that we are meant to be. Honestly, its bullcrap. Tate is bad. For me.

James is right, I hang on to things too tightly, too long. But if he knew the fight I am fighting...without a foundation of the Word in my heart...it's waaaaayyy harder. Sometimes I wish I was not saved. So that way I could start over.

I feel so stupid. I don't have head or heart faith. I believe in God. I can occasionally see Him working. I hear Him. But its so surface-y. There is no passion in my heart. I want to love Him. But I can't. My faith is something for next time though I think.

I wrote James this letter. It was crazy. It was really good. It was an indulgence in my affections for him. It was a  map. It was what I wanted to say. But I didn't seek God when writing it or sharing it. I think that was wrong of me to do. Uhm, ya. I was super blinded by my crush on him. And as I am sitting here now, drinking my once-hot tea and listening to the humm of the dryer downstairs I wonder to myself, what do I feel now? The shiny new feeling of a new crush is gone. I don't get the butterflies. I don't get that little jolt of happy when I get a text from him. I hate to say it but I feel, sad. Though, to say that I don't like him anymore is not right either. I'm so confused at what the heck I am feeling. I am glad he is my friend. I adore our friendship, even though its janky sometimes, and even though its confusing, and hurts sometimes.

I hope that the feeling is good. That not being crazy-romantic towards it is good. That this isn't just the trailing end of a soon-forgotten crush. I don't want any more crushes. I want Love. I want Jesus to come make me perfect. Make my friends perfect. To perfect this world! I want to Love God. I want to be so passionate for Him that love here, in this life, just happens.

Ahhhhh, I have so much more to say. But the work week is calling to me. Oh, Lord, please, please please please be God. Take my heart captive, steal my breath away. Help me desire to put my faith and hope and joy in you...and help me make sense of this mess. I pray for my friendship with James. Let it be glorifying to you. That we would seek you, not each other. I pray for my friendship with Tim.God, give me time and words to share with him how blessed I am to have his friendship, but that my affections have  changed. I pray for Tim's sister, Lord that you would captivate her and that she would learn joy and contentment for the places you have placed her and called her too. I pray for my family. That I would love them with your love. That I wouldn't be embarrased by them. Or hurt by them. God, its hard being here. I am not rooted in your word and I don't want to be yanked out by their sins. But over everthing, these silly requests...everything...my prayer is this: THY WILL BE DONE.