July, August and introducing... September?

hello lovely friends and followers

It's been quite a while since I wrote here and admittedly it's been intentionally avoided. But tonight I'm feeling the familiar feels of instability, confusion, and apathetic frustration. I'll save the drama for a much-needed garbage day post and just catch you up on what you've missed in my life this summer... most of it anyways!

Kianna, the girl I was mentoring through the non profit in St. Paul, and I went to Lake Calhoun back in June; I think that was the last time that we actually got together. I started working three jobs and I pretty much dropped off with her. We just got reconnected through Facebook (she sought me out!) and I'm hoping to step back into her life as a positive role model* this fall. 

Also in June I went to a Tumblr party and met some of the neatest people ever (I'll get to them in a minute). In this post I briefly wrote about that moving to Minneapolis and what that was all about so take a look if you don't recall... I'm sure I'll dig back through more thoughts on that later too.

Started July by going to Valley Fair with my sister, my nephews, and their close friends-of-family. It was a blast! I mostly hung out with the kids (below) going on as many rides as possible but managed to spend some time with my sister too. No doubt about it though I loved being a little brat with my two nephews the most though... look how handsome they are! 

July also brought about another meeting of the Soul Sistaaasssssss! Mariah, Tina, Elise, and I got together the weekend of my birthday at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts and then had lunch at The Bad Waitress. 

It's not easy to get the 4some together but when we do it's worth it. I'll share more about our adventure that day in a later post (and I'll be sure to link to it when it's available).

I turned the big ol' 21 and I even had a party with my "new friends" (whom I've already seemed to fallen off with... I'm burning a lot of bridges lately). We started the night grilling at my house, went to Applebee's and then ended the night at Chelsea's house. Most of my photos from the night didn't turn out well but here are some that my friends posted afterwards. 

The day after mine is Justin's birthday so we went to the Mall of America and celebrated together. Legoland, Caribou, and the Doc Martin store were definitely some high lights from that trip! 

more recent updates:

I moved (again). I got a boyfriend. We live together... with 5 other roommates. I never would have thought I would end up with some one like him but  he treats me better than any man has in the last 4 years and I feel secure, confident, and happy with him. We started seeing each other in mid June when I invited him to a party and we kinda sorta hooked up and were pretty much inseparable since. 

Okay, that wasn't so bad... maybe I can still blog and share my life with people. I don't have to lead this double life anymore. Slowly, very slowly, I feel like I'm merging myself together (even though I feel like I'm falling apart).

with love and sentiments

xoxo

Oh, June.

OH.

I moved.

Did I forget to mention that? Then you're obviously not my friend on Facebook or a follower on my Tumblr and Twitter! Friends and family were surprised when I told them I moved; it was both a long time coming and a sudden event because while I have wanted to move for a while now I didn't think it would actually happen. Mid May I replied to a post on Craigslist and they contacted me right away!

It was a hassle to get a few hours off from work so I could check the place out and meet my potential roommates but $50 later I convinced my coworker to cover 3 hours of my shift. I could go on for at least 4 more paragraphs fawning over how I fell in love with it but instead I'll just let you see for yourself! 

I challenged my Tumblr followers to like my post and I would share a video giving a tour of my room. Well. That's that. Unfortunately there is quite a bit more behind this post than a exciting news and a fun video. 

I  couldn't afford to live there at the time when I started looking for a new place to live; my search for a second job was unsuccessful and moving was the next option. I had family that I could stay with but none of them were great options for me. There are a lot of unhealthy dynamics in most of my family that I don’t care to be a part of. Though I love and adore them without second breath. 

Another reason for moving because I have this need for change; I think it’s because when I was very young we moved around a lot. If you know me at all you'll know that I'm a bit of a wanderer and the desire to move isn't new. Remember when I had that plan to move to Joplin, MO with Kirstin? And that time I almost took a bus to San Francisco? 

Lastly, I honestly didn't want to go home anymore. After I got the second job I could have afforded it… but I got a third job so that I didn’t have time to “be home”. I'm an introvert with trust and intimacy issues and a big avoidance problem. I’m actually surprised that I’m sharing any of this right now. I didn't like having so many people pushing on the borders of my life and questioning my lifestyle. And further… I felt suffocated by their faith. I needed to distance myself from it all. Okay, that's enough. I can't handle any more talk about the deep things in my life. I'm too content to keep it shallow.

am i alone?

Oh, hello again! It feels good to be writing on my blog again. This is something that I do mostly for my own sanity. It feels safe here.

Anyways, I wanted to share these photos from March. I know it's a bit late but with the cold weather a few weeks ago and the recent stormy activity I am craving the beautiful, breezy sunshine we had a while back! Justin took these when we went for a walk around Nicollet Island.

 After the walk I joined my brother for a Timberwolves game. While I don't watch sports on my own I love spending time with my family. The quality time is what is important to me; it's one of my love languages (my primary is Words of Affirmation). A friend brought it up that our love language is pretty much the antidote to our "lie"... whatever it is that we believe to be true that we live and function out of.  My lie is that "I am alone."

That lie is a question that everything in my life is attempting to prove wrong. Unknowingly I am asking myself, "am I alone?"  But the things that I've experienced in the past have convinced me that it's true; there is nothing that can make me believe differently. It's in the process of bringing that lie to the front (literally) of my brain and dealing with it cognitively that I can override it's false-truth. My question and lie are stained into my habit and nature. Interesting, huh? 

aaaaand moving on! Gah! This is the face that Justin makes at me most of the time usually after I say or do something that is both adorable and uncool. He's in Florida visiting his sister for a month or so. Who am I going to dork around this city with this summer?  Oh, and did you check out the latest tune-in Tuesday? Well, that's all for now! I love you, darlings!

Oh, hello May!

I admit that I am glad April is over and while I don't have much vision for this new month just yet, I'm going to hope that it brings some sweetness back into my life.  

          life: and other things                      

I applied to a position at Como Park Zoo and Conservatory and got a job in the gift shop.
I almost accepted a Craigslist offer to be a live-in girlfriend/house wife.

I got both of my tax returns on the same day that I got paid.
And then I spent most of it instead of paying bills.
Considered moving to anywhere but here. 

Get the May calender {above} from Dear Friend

        on another note:                                

The last few months I have been avoiding pretty much everything from my relationships, my responsibilities and the things that I vowed this year to untangle. Instead of reaching beyond the surface in anything I prefer to keep every thing at a shallow comfort level. It's a quality of mine that often frustrates me because I want to invest deeper into my relationships and grow in my passions but at every knot in this ribbon of my life I drop everything and hermit myself away.

I don't know how to stop running and to start digging.

more loose-ends, more resolutions

With the year already a quarter of the way complete I admit that I don't feel like I've accomplished nary a thing on my goals/resolutions list. It seems that the more loose-ends that I discover, the more resolutions I come to. After I went home in February I was "inspired" to shy away from writing and it appeared that avoiding everything was a good idea (it's not really, I realize this). So, here I am again with far too much to say because I left things unsaid for far too long. If you recall from my New Years Resolutions themed post in January I declared that instead of setting goals I would slow down and "in the process of tying my loose ends I will be aware of the process of being resolved." I don't feel resolved in anything. My life is continuing in it's state of chaos and disorder. The dysfunction perpetuates itself and I doubt if I will know anything different.

     Mounting Debts  

Between my student loan, personal "rent" debt, and other ridiculous expenses I am falling deeper into debt. I've been job searching with a bit more fervor lately because if I don't get another job (or 3) I don't think that I'll be able to continue in the direction I am going. Mom has mentioned more than once for me to "cut my losses" and move home so that I can just start again and as tempting as that is I don't want to admit failure just yet. I will exhaust every avenue until the only option left is to move home.

     Old Flames          

I don't know what I had in mind when I declared this as a loose end. Unpacking the baggage of my past relationships (and honestly, there are many, many more than I'd care to admit) seems like a good idea. My last relationship revealed exactly how that old weight can damage and even destroy. Historically my life has been dominated by romantic interest; it's likely that this pursuit of romance is a symptomatic cause of dysfunction. This gives me hope because I think that God will restore me and it will be a powerful testimony to his greatness and love. Not to mention that the enemy has a little black book that apparently he uses to send ex's back into my life. This is not cool. If it's not someone new then it's an old flame. Satan is a dooooosh. 

     New Addictions   

I started counseling in March because of a self-diagnosed "sin-addiction" that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. Though not clinically marked as an addictive issue that completely inhibits me from my daily life it was getting dangerous. Confessing wasn't enough and I don't know that an amount of accountability would cure me of it's grips. We are just three sessions in and I already have discovered a lot of understanding of myself. There is peace in knowing that the "addiction" that pressed me to pursue therapy is more a symptom than anything. 

     Mind-renewal      

This is happening as I experience healing in the other areas of my life. Counseling is helping with this a lot. As one who would never boast in brain-power ("I'm a feeler, not a thinker" and "I won't remember what you said but I will remember how you made me feel" are often my excuses) it's my hope to first become aware of things cognitively that way I can begin to understand things more completely. The brain is powerful. I hate that it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't even know how to think critically. Why is this a loose end and resolution again?

     Double Life         

After a dear friend helped me to realize that my double life is a short coming of mine and I've been working hard on merging myself together. Living two lives of lies is exhausting and sickening but yet here I find myself again. This is the side-effect of my "addiction" and "old flames" issues.

     Virtual Living      

Originally I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. While I have been much more active thanks to my internship at Mr. Zero's and volunteering as a mentor through 180 Degrees (not to mention a pretty great stint as the Decorations Director for my schools Multicultural Festival) I am still disappointed in myself. My need to collect everything (something that has potential to be a great strength) paired with identity insecurity and need for control over my chaotic life makes this a big challenge. As an Input* my counselor challenged me to learn how to develop that strength so that it can be more helpful than harmful. 

*Strengths Finder 

   Upcoming Posts:   

I'm certain that I'll begin to expand on some of these topics at more length later. I wrote a poem this week that I'll share too. In the mean while please read about my roadtrip with my mom that turned out to be a great, great day! And see what inspires me in the kitchen. I also updated my Testimony and am looking for book reading suggestions on my Bookshelf page. Last but certainly not least, I want to say thank you for reading my blog as inconsistent and wordy as it often is.

Roadtrips and Reunions

I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't posted since the start of this month. After the events in February and the reflecting I did post-visit home I think I needed some time to myself. I admit that being so vulnerable was a bit scary. Instead of continuing to face myself it seemed easier to avoid every thing. And to further this trend of honesty let me say this: I am still avoiding many issues that should be addressed in my life. On the bright side I am coming back in April ready to continue untangling (I'm constantly finding more loose ends by the way). 

Mom and I took a mini-road trip to Spooner so that we could take care of some insurance business (because of my accident last month and getting a new car); while in town we stopped by our old house that we rent out. 

While we were talking with the lady renting our house I noticed the neighbor in the yard! The crazy lady, Shirley, has been a dear friend of mine for many years. My parents started sending us kids over to help her garden and do other chores as punishment but I didn't mind one bit. She was a recovering alcoholic and devout Christian. Mentally unstable off-medication she offered insight into the tortures inside my own teenage mind.

When I moved away in 2005 she started to write me letters and send me little gift packages filled with trinkets and handmade crafts. Faithfully she wrote even if I failed to respond for a few months. Shirley has been a woman of strength and courage, brutal honesty, and humourous rants against men! It's been 6 and a half years since we had shared each others company so when I saw her come out into her yard I bee-lined over.

Though we only had  a few minutes to catch up (mom was anxious to get home) it was a precious reunion. It was almost awkward sitting in her living room (which is also her bedroom) and being face to face.  It was almost like no time had passed at all. She told me a few tales of bad doctors and the gov't cutting her assistance. She's doing well though, which is comforting because I worry about her. I know that one day she won't be there sending letters. 

Sorry for the horrid photo quality. This unplanned reunion left me with my phone-camera. Ps. These are the only photos that we have together! Look forward some great prose this coming month along with an update on my loose-ends and resolutions! Can you believe that we're already a third of the way through this year?! oh, lastly... thanks for all of the support and comments; and for checking back through out the month looking for more. My friends and followers are amazing!

Home*

Forgive me if this is scattered and vague. As you can imagine there is some level of anonymity that I'd like to maintain by sharing this information discreetly; but in my desire to speak honestly about my life and testimony I offer you this post.

A few weeks ago I took a trip home to the small town in Northwest Wisconsin that raised me for half of my life. It's a place with more bars than churches and more people on the wrong side of the tracks than the right; it's run down, falling apart, and still one of the most beautiful places to be. It's a shame that I didn't capture any of those images except in my memory. My hometown is a   bittersweet  place for me because it represents a very dark time in my life. I was surrounded by a deepening, maddening depression that intruded on my sanity and joy. It's a time in my life that I associate with abuse, fear, poverty, drama, and something that goes beyond the normal coming-of-age identity crisis. In all honesty,   leaving was the best thing for  me and as an adult returning to the town that I was removed from has been something that I struggle with.

See, when I was a freshman the courts decided to send me to live with my grandparents. I was given 2 hours to pack all of my things and be ready to move. I wasn't allowed to say good bye to anyone, not even my little brother. There was also a "no contact" issue involved for my protection that prevented me from all ties to that part of my life. The experience has had a profound impact on my emotional development in the last 6 years and even now I am incredibly particular about closure and goodbyes. Leaving (or rather, disappearing) so abruptly left too much to the imagination of not only myself but also my friends in my "old" life. They didn't know if I had ran away, been taken away to either juvie, a girls home, or psych hospital, or if I had perhaps even killed myself (yeah, I was in a really dark place). The fear that life in my home town wouldn't function without me was paralyzing and not knowing what people thought of me was an obsessing thought that motivated me through the remaining years of high school.

After turning 18 and heading off to college I was finally free to pursue the loose-ends that were left from my relocation. I friended nearly everyone I could think of and was a slave to my "where are they now?" attitude; I rekindled some connections that were better left in disrepair. I went back home for the first time in 4 years in October 2009. I'm not sure if that first weekend set the pattern for ever following visit, or if perhaps there is a deeper something going on that causes me to freak out; either way I have never made it there and back without regrets. The first time was giving away my precious gift of purity. Which led me to become the other woman in another relationship and the death of dear friend. Last weekend, over 2 years since my first visit, the trend of irresponsible behaviour continued. I played the game and lead on a friend (who's more like family) then went beyond drunk and betrayed his trust by going with another fella. Ironically, this all happened on my ex's 9 month sober-versary.

I keep hoping this time will be different but when it comes to that small town, I always lose control.

I'm less than proud of my actions and am walking a fine line between shame and humility for fact that I live such a double life. It's been a week and I'm still processing through everything. I am trying to understand why this always happens. What little bits of wisdom I have come to realize are these:

1. I have to be responsible for myself at all times because:
• people are unreliable (that's just the way it is) and
• it's not their job to babysit me, even if I ask them to.
2. Drinking responsibly is more fun than blacking out portions of the night and making decisions that you regret for far longer than the time it took to make them.
3. I don't understand how anyone there can respect me when I have no self-respect. 

Well, that's that.