more loose-ends, more resolutions

With the year already a quarter of the way complete I admit that I don't feel like I've accomplished nary a thing on my goals/resolutions list. It seems that the more loose-ends that I discover, the more resolutions I come to. After I went home in February I was "inspired" to shy away from writing and it appeared that avoiding everything was a good idea (it's not really, I realize this). So, here I am again with far too much to say because I left things unsaid for far too long. If you recall from my New Years Resolutions themed post in January I declared that instead of setting goals I would slow down and "in the process of tying my loose ends I will be aware of the process of being resolved." I don't feel resolved in anything. My life is continuing in it's state of chaos and disorder. The dysfunction perpetuates itself and I doubt if I will know anything different.

     Mounting Debts  

Between my student loan, personal "rent" debt, and other ridiculous expenses I am falling deeper into debt. I've been job searching with a bit more fervor lately because if I don't get another job (or 3) I don't think that I'll be able to continue in the direction I am going. Mom has mentioned more than once for me to "cut my losses" and move home so that I can just start again and as tempting as that is I don't want to admit failure just yet. I will exhaust every avenue until the only option left is to move home.

     Old Flames          

I don't know what I had in mind when I declared this as a loose end. Unpacking the baggage of my past relationships (and honestly, there are many, many more than I'd care to admit) seems like a good idea. My last relationship revealed exactly how that old weight can damage and even destroy. Historically my life has been dominated by romantic interest; it's likely that this pursuit of romance is a symptomatic cause of dysfunction. This gives me hope because I think that God will restore me and it will be a powerful testimony to his greatness and love. Not to mention that the enemy has a little black book that apparently he uses to send ex's back into my life. This is not cool. If it's not someone new then it's an old flame. Satan is a dooooosh. 

     New Addictions   

I started counseling in March because of a self-diagnosed "sin-addiction" that I couldn't fight on my own anymore. Though not clinically marked as an addictive issue that completely inhibits me from my daily life it was getting dangerous. Confessing wasn't enough and I don't know that an amount of accountability would cure me of it's grips. We are just three sessions in and I already have discovered a lot of understanding of myself. There is peace in knowing that the "addiction" that pressed me to pursue therapy is more a symptom than anything. 

     Mind-renewal      

This is happening as I experience healing in the other areas of my life. Counseling is helping with this a lot. As one who would never boast in brain-power ("I'm a feeler, not a thinker" and "I won't remember what you said but I will remember how you made me feel" are often my excuses) it's my hope to first become aware of things cognitively that way I can begin to understand things more completely. The brain is powerful. I hate that it's one of my biggest insecurities. I don't even know how to think critically. Why is this a loose end and resolution again?

     Double Life         

After a dear friend helped me to realize that my double life is a short coming of mine and I've been working hard on merging myself together. Living two lives of lies is exhausting and sickening but yet here I find myself again. This is the side-effect of my "addiction" and "old flames" issues.

     Virtual Living      

Originally I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. While I have been much more active thanks to my internship at Mr. Zero's and volunteering as a mentor through 180 Degrees (not to mention a pretty great stint as the Decorations Director for my schools Multicultural Festival) I am still disappointed in myself. My need to collect everything (something that has potential to be a great strength) paired with identity insecurity and need for control over my chaotic life makes this a big challenge. As an Input* my counselor challenged me to learn how to develop that strength so that it can be more helpful than harmful. 

*Strengths Finder 

   Upcoming Posts:   

I'm certain that I'll begin to expand on some of these topics at more length later. I wrote a poem this week that I'll share too. In the mean while please read about my roadtrip with my mom that turned out to be a great, great day! And see what inspires me in the kitchen. I also updated my Testimony and am looking for book reading suggestions on my Bookshelf page. Last but certainly not least, I want to say thank you for reading my blog as inconsistent and wordy as it often is.