Garbage Day

It's been a few months since I slowed down and spent some time in my head. It's such a jumbled mess that I must first begin by untangling the ends, pulling the tight knit wad looser on all sides and then pulling each thread until the whole piles unravels. That is how we become

u | n | t | a | n | g | l | e | d

Sometimes in our lives things happen so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that we have no choice but to beg ourselves, "pinch me, I'm dreaming." I'm speechless with a thousand things to say and no words to express. I can only think in bullet points and lists right now.

Even though I should most definitely be going to sleep I have too much in my head to rest. This weekend has been very emotionally trying. My mind is going in many directions and I don't know where to start. It's been almost a year since I last went to Spooner to visit; the last time I was there was for Chris' funeral. And even though you'd think that would be a major contributor to my emotional state I doubt the sincerity of that statement. Chris helped me through a lot of the stuff post-Tate (is my life ever really "post-Tate"?) drama and being back in town knowing he was there threw me off balance. There is a fine line between my fear and desire to see him. Until I found out that he married Alyssa (who has a baby with Tate's brother Titus...) and welp, that pretty much ruined my ability to think right there. My heart stopped for about a minute and my mind started to sizzle and fry until I regained most of my composure.

On top of that I am still dealing with lingering feelings and thoughts on James. It's much better than a few months ago but I'm still not okay with everything. I accept it, and am blessed by the "break up" but the consequences of investing so much of my heart into him and that relationship are rippling through my life. To be sincerely honest with you despite all of the time I spend being affected by it, I haven't actually spent any time processing through and learning from it. Guessing that means it's about time to do another relationship-related post, huh?

How Do You Measure a Year?

How Do You Measure a Year?

In cups of coffee? In alarms snoozed? 

Hugs? Hello's? Maybe in miles spent or moments shared?

Friends gained? Enemies made?

It's been about a year since my dad dropped me off outside Bethlehem Baptist Church on a windy and sunny Sunday morning; It was my first time there. Jordan had invited me to hang out at his church after we had hung out a few times before. I arrived early with my backpack, a duffel bag, a pillow and sat huddled on the floor for about 40 minutes waiting for him. Smelling like smoke and mildew I am not surprised that not a single soul acknowledged me which encouraged my quickly retreating confidence to further pull back. Surrounded by unfamiliar faces I was flooded with relief when I received the text from Jordan saying that he was finally there. Moments later he appeared and two others tagged along. Somewhat awkward casual greetings were exchanged and then we four headed into the service (which had already started). We sat along the back wall on the floor. I was incredibly uncomfortable and insecure because I knew that I smelled raunchy. But everyone was polite and friendly, not mentioning my odor. After being dismissed we exited the sanctuary and more fully did introductions. The first was Shea: the silent conversationalist. She was tall and plainly beautiful, looking remarkably like her older sibling. Robert was long-haired and visually out of place amongst the sea of Sunday's best dressed. A few visits later would reveal more friends and as winter became spring, and spring finally warmed to summer the group had been defined with Jordan, DeLaney, Robert, Crystal, James and Shea. Of course other's are intermingled within the time contained in a year, but these were my Lovely Jankies: The beloved friends of inner circle of my heart.

It's been 2 weeks since what I call "the breakup" which really is just the end of something good, and the beginning of something better. Beyond the romantically inclined relationship that I had with James (which will be blogged about soon, I promise!) the break up of the group has been heavy on my heart lately. The ones that I once called my friends, now sometimes feel like my enemies. Just saying that makes my heart turn and twist a little.

...slow spinning redemption...

I'm considering moving to Joplin, MO with Opal in a few weeks. Only a back pack of belongings, living out of the car, and a fresh start is an appealing opportunity. I’ve dreamt of leaving and pursuing the gypsy lifestyle for a while but is it really the answer to my desires? I consider the things keeping me here like my friends (however fragile those relationships may be), my schooling (which is on hold anyways), my family (who may frown upon my adventurous flight) and my God (with whom I bear the heaviest consequences for this choice). In my mind I have already decided to go but something radically has changed and uncertainty steeps my excitement. It seems silly, but my hopeful heart begs me to ask the question: am I giving up too easily and too soon on everything?

It goes beyond my relationship with James.  It’s been a slow breakdown of the 6…my lovely jankies have degraded, deformed, and deteriorated as the days have grown shorter (and the nights longer). Now as the sun begins retreating later in the evening, I wonder if there will be any peace, healing and restoration within our group. I’m considering that perhaps Jak is right: the truth of Ecclesiastes 3 is speaking to my life right now. If everything has a season and a purpose then maybe we have run the course of and fulfilled ours. A conversation with Mrs. H comes to mind as I recall her comments one sunny, Sunday morning. The word for word exchange escapes me but I do remember she expressed a sincere speculation about the seasonal longevity of the group’s intimate involvement. Would we survive the end of summer? 

"us"

  

Relationships are not supposed to be easy and they are not meant to be hard, confusing, frustrating or hurtful either; being caught up in a loosely defined relationship has definitely proven this to me! Right now, James and I are coming out of a pretty rough spot in our friendship-relationship. After talking with his parents a while back about dating, relationships, "us" and the like...things started getting a little bit messier. Mr. and Mrs. B asked us the same thing we had been trying to answer for ourselves: what are we? It was the long overdue, much needed DTR (define the relationship). So many of the problems between us, in hindsight, appear to be caused by the fact that we didn't know what to call this, our relationship. See, labels like "just friends" or "dating" are important because each has correlating expectations, boundaries, and levels of communication/commitment/intimacy.

So, it's been a while since I posted an entry with the latest insights into my ridiculous, yet wonderful life. I don't even know where to start! I am at my grandparents house in Fergus Falls, MN because I am terribly behind in my class and I was hoping that by coming up here I would be able to get a lot done. Well, I've done more homework today than I have done in the last four days! I am almost positive, by 99% that I will fail this class a second time and as a result,  flunk out of college a second time as well. Perhaps, with this next semester off I can figure my life out?

I can honestly say that I am a mess! My priorities are truly screwed up. I keep thinking that if I can just get married, then worry about the rest...then maybe it will be easier to grow up and to do things right. I doubt that really works, and I don't think that is the right way to go about it. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be 19 years old and have no idea what you're doing with your life? When I was graduating from high school I had my life pretty well mapped out. I was going to college for four to five years at a pretty awesome liberal Christian college, going to 5 years of seminary, then getting a real job. Somewhere in there was falling in love and getting married, starting a family and saving the world.

So much for that...I mean, I totally trust God. And I'm trying to accept the fact that His (perfect) plans are often, almost always, going to oppose mine. It's hard to cling to the truth that He has ordained every moment of my life. I mean, was it really God's will for me to go through everything last fall? Was I really meant to flunk out of college? How do I find the right balance of accepting responsibility for my actions while giving God total credit?

Okay, so I'm heading back to the cities tomorrow morning. I have to be at the bus stop at 7am. On the bright side, Nana said that she would buy me coffee for my trip! Seriously, I am slightly nervous. Sure, it's a public transit bus so their could be some freaky creeper and who knows maybe I won't make it home! Fine! That is highly unlikely but that doesn't make it less scary!

When I get back life isn't going to slow down much. With it being the holidays maybe I shouldn't expect it to slow down. Even if my life were to balance out I don't think that it would last because I get so easily bored. Very truly I admit that I love my go-go-go lifestyle. It's hard being a home-body but hating to be home! Anyways, after I get to town I am heading to my mom's work, going to "study" there until she is done. After she drops me off at home I have to head over to church, and work to pick up my check. I'm anxious, nervous and excited to see my friends again. Thursday is pretty open, homework only. Friday I am working for Mr. B along with the other kids too. We are doing the yearly total inventory at WIT and the pay is like ten dollars an hour! I sooo could use the money! Saturday Shea mentioned shopping, and it's Opal's moving away party that night. We are ordering Buffalo Wild Wings and playing boardgames! I am really going to miss her!

Sunday is church, obviously. And all my class work is due at midnight. Is it even worth it to keep going? I know that I am incapable of completing the course, so should I just forget about it? I think I will do some more, as to show I am not giving up...though I gave up a long time ago.

Wow! This is ridiculously long already! And I haven't even started on the relationship stuff yet! Haha, perhaps I will do that after "the talk" ...James and I have been working hard at being just friends. It's really not easy! But, I'll do a short separate post about it! For now, I think it's time to publish this, and do one more!=)

Fact

I would rather slow down, stop, reverse, or get out of the car (passenger seat of course) than to do the wrong thing. I love you, brother.

Desire

"i thought maybe my head had returned from the clouds, and i was grounded again. this time for real. but not anymore. i feeling like i am falling. not floating like before. i am falling. spinning head over heels reaching out, Jesus take my hand. please pull me from this...oh my God. I feel insane!!!! "

That's what I almost said to you. But instead I brought it here. It's easier to talk here. This is documented, so I can replay my craziness over and over. So I can see God's power as He brings me through the chaos and into His arms.

Now, let me explain...
Desire is a most peculiar thing.
I am seeing that what I want is wanting me. Or so it seems.
And wanting it this badly is scary. The Want is overwhelming lately. The Want came suddenly, swelling like storm cloud. The Want came bursting forth with a presence that I cannot ignore or dismiss this time. I thought we had cornered, tamed and caged it! God, You put it back in its place...so why is it back? Did I unknowingly unleash it? Did that part of me that is so deeply hidden that I barely know she is there do this?

Lord, please don't let this turn into something it's not. Help me to see with clarity; Make me see truth and not lies. They can be so hard to distinguish sometimes. Give me a discerning heart and a peaceful mind. God, your will is perfect. Amazingly, awe-inspiring perfect. Reveal it to me according to your goodness and love. Make  my steps clear before me. Help me to bear the fruit of the Spirit. Help me be restrained in my thoughts...not to fill my mind with desires that are for anything but you! God, I don't want to be swept away because I am not grounded in you. 


The enemy can twist and distort things which can make my judgement more than unfair.
I have been living with two maps in my hands. But the more closely I look at them the more similar they become. The two timelines that were once competing now seem to line up. One map was drawn from logic and reason and fear; the other from feeling, and a weak desire for righteousness. God, help me see Your timeline. Write yours over mine.
And please don't let this be more than goodnight. I can't say goodbye again. Not again. I don't want to lose a friendship because of spiritual failings. God, why the fuck do I always get caught up on this shit?! Ahhhh! Even the good boys are blinding me. woah. That is not fair to say. This is not his fault; Lord, my lack of emotional self-control is creating an idol out of this gift of friendship. I see this, now help me, make me change. Use this to teach me the very thing that brought me here. Wake me up with your eyes, to see with wisdom and love. God, hear these prayers written here, and the ones still trapped inside my heart. Now let me listen.

There, I don't feel dizzy anymore.
But now I am paralyzed with fear.
What if not running is actually the wrong thing?
I hope he can see the truth better than me...and I hope and pray he follows it.
Goodnight. Not goodbye. Please.

Sober

I was lovesick. Love drunk.

Blinded, with diamonds in my eyes.

I put my hope and joy in our relationship, robbing God of my affections.

That was wrong of me to do. The bible calls it idolatry. Sin. Forgive me, Father for indulging in something outside of You! You are most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in You. It was so silly of me to justify my actions by claiming that you were being brought glory by focusing on my relationship with James. Sure, we sought you (he more than I, certainly) and worked on making our relationship more godly, appropriate, healthy, paced, etc. All of those things surely bring some glory to Your name. But it's a "handful of pebbles" compared to the infinite grains of sand that finding my satisfaction in You brings!

It was most strongly manifested in "the Letter" that I wrote. Written to assure him of all the things that we were trying to deal with and understand, it became a product of my obsession. In the innate quest for love, I got lost in searching for the Perfect Love that is God. I was falling in love with falling in love. I made a map for you to follow hoping that it would be enough. Pulling from the books and resources and experiences that relationships has taught me I was certain that it was nearly perfect. Of course, I realized that it was imperfect and I conceded to the idea that He might have something better planned. (That idea excited me, by the way. Being so proud of my well-thought out map and timeline...but knowing that God's was wayyyyy better!)

Complicated and Confused

James = Levi. 

Tonight my friend Tim came over for dinner. We had discovered a mutual love for cooking and thought it would be fun to combine his culinary delights with my grill mastery so we waited the whole summer for this night! He marinaded some pork chops in a soysauce/honey/pineapple/someotherthingsican'tremember marinade. I prepared (with Tim's help) a simple fruit salad using mixed fruit, crushed pineapple, mandarin oranges, a box of banana cream pudding, and cool whip. For a "vegetable" we sliced potatoes, added shredded carrots, and fresh green onions, with some pepper, butter, and celery salt. We grilled. We consumed. We talked. We laughed.

Tim and I made these plans a long time ago. A few months. Shortly after I had told him that I liked him. See, though we had met last fall through Fresh Faces (a theatre showcase for new theatre students) and throughout the year had a few conversations, brief as they were. Spring semester we started talking a bit more, and connected through a few mutual friends. Our friends Dave, CJ, their roomie, Tim and I (and another girl named Elisabeth) met every few weeks to watch a show called Firefly. Tim and I also talked some on our own, we encouraged one another, prayed for eachother if it was needed (isn't it always!?) and as the weather got warmer, we took a few walks around campus together.

Tim is a History major of some sort. He wants to be a college professor. He is six foot eight inches tall. He is pretty nearly the most joyful man I know. He is a wonderful friend, and I got a crush on him. Now, because of my past and my "issues" with boys I spent quite a bit of time in prayer over this. I wanted to make sure that my affections were not misplaced or misleading. It is really easy to fall in love with the Jesus inside of someone. God had been faithful the entire year I was at NWC that I could see the distinction from "like" and "like-like" so I hoped He would help me again see what it was that I was feeling with Tim.

Well, the semester ended. Summer began. Tim and I talked some. Not an awful lot but texting was normal to talk every few days or so. Towards the end of the early part of summer (Mid-June?) I mentioned to Tim that I needed to be certain of my feelings towards him. Shortly there after we talked on the phone and I explained to him everything....what I was feeling, what I had been praying...etc. He said that he had not thought about it before but that now he could see that (so far at least) he had seen nothing that would make him turn from me.

Long story short, we decided to just continue in friendship. I was soooo okay with that. We talked occasionally, and as the summer expired those times lessened.

Then I started to like James. I don't even know when that started. I guess I saw it coming for me way in the beginning. Maybe as far back as Jordan's birthday. I remember one of the first things I said to him. Something about congrats on the job (he had just been hired at Papa Murphy's) and happy birthday. Only I said it in a way that only I can do: adorable awkward. Oh, I do mean that humbly. Then the "group" went to Hudson for a FATS show (instigated by me!!!) and James and I were paired up in the back of the van, no seats, just chillin' in the back. He was obviously moody. And only an hour before that had he asked for my number (we were at Crystal's band concert, and I think I knew then what was coming).

So, things with James are kinda grr right now. We like each other. And it's super-complicating things. I wish we could just talk till we had talked about everything we needed to say. Of course we would never run out of those things.

I am so confused. I am confusing him. He isn't super good at sharing or saying what he is feeling. I am thinking he is dropping pebbles, so I loosen the grip on mine and they kinda trickle out with out me really noticing (cause I am looking for his...). He is doing things so well. I wonder sometimes if he is doing it because he wants to do it right, or because he is afraid of doing it wrong. He and Crystal had a thing. Ew, I don't wanna call it that. They were really close before I really knew them...and I guess it was super intense. Like, hours and hours and hours on the phone texting/talking. About everything. They were freaking building stuff with their pebbles (from what I understand). James told me that they talked about marriage....and ya. Jordan says they pretty much were planning on getting married or something. Now, James isn't like me. He isn't super experienced in those kind of relationships. And so...it's hard for me to understand what he is feeling. I try to think of my first real relationship; it took me years to get over Shawn. Sometimes the temptation arises for me to get dragged into those feelings. But I shake them somehow.

I don't know how I feel about Crystal and James' excursion. Jame's is still hurting by it because its not resolved. And its not. Oh, I wish Crystal knew. And I wish Robert didn't get so jealous. And I wish that she would not have used James to get the attention she really wanted from Robert. And James doesn't feel like she really apologized. That she should be forgiven...? Ahhh, Idk. I am not in his head so I won't say what he feels or thinks.

The other night he looked through his old phone and saw messages from back then. It's messed him up a little bit. A lot actually. I mean, I know how messed up I get when I see Tate's face. Or think about him. Ah, and James is all worried about that too. Afraid that someone who I have all this history with could come back and change everything. That idea scares me too. I want to say that it wouldn't happen. But it could. Tate is...Tate. And I wonder if he came back, would I stand where I was, or would I run? Part of me lets the hope that we will be together linger, and that we are meant to be. Honestly, its bullcrap. Tate is bad. For me.

James is right, I hang on to things too tightly, too long. But if he knew the fight I am fighting...without a foundation of the Word in my heart...it's waaaaayyy harder. Sometimes I wish I was not saved. So that way I could start over.

I feel so stupid. I don't have head or heart faith. I believe in God. I can occasionally see Him working. I hear Him. But its so surface-y. There is no passion in my heart. I want to love Him. But I can't. My faith is something for next time though I think.

I wrote James this letter. It was crazy. It was really good. It was an indulgence in my affections for him. It was a  map. It was what I wanted to say. But I didn't seek God when writing it or sharing it. I think that was wrong of me to do. Uhm, ya. I was super blinded by my crush on him. And as I am sitting here now, drinking my once-hot tea and listening to the humm of the dryer downstairs I wonder to myself, what do I feel now? The shiny new feeling of a new crush is gone. I don't get the butterflies. I don't get that little jolt of happy when I get a text from him. I hate to say it but I feel, sad. Though, to say that I don't like him anymore is not right either. I'm so confused at what the heck I am feeling. I am glad he is my friend. I adore our friendship, even though its janky sometimes, and even though its confusing, and hurts sometimes.

I hope that the feeling is good. That not being crazy-romantic towards it is good. That this isn't just the trailing end of a soon-forgotten crush. I don't want any more crushes. I want Love. I want Jesus to come make me perfect. Make my friends perfect. To perfect this world! I want to Love God. I want to be so passionate for Him that love here, in this life, just happens.

Ahhhhh, I have so much more to say. But the work week is calling to me. Oh, Lord, please, please please please be God. Take my heart captive, steal my breath away. Help me desire to put my faith and hope and joy in you...and help me make sense of this mess. I pray for my friendship with James. Let it be glorifying to you. That we would seek you, not each other. I pray for my friendship with Tim.God, give me time and words to share with him how blessed I am to have his friendship, but that my affections have  changed. I pray for Tim's sister, Lord that you would captivate her and that she would learn joy and contentment for the places you have placed her and called her too. I pray for my family. That I would love them with your love. That I wouldn't be embarrased by them. Or hurt by them. God, its hard being here. I am not rooted in your word and I don't want to be yanked out by their sins. But over everthing, these silly requests...everything...my prayer is this: THY WILL BE DONE.

You said you were a knight with out a kingdom, a cause.
You said I didn't need a crown to be a princess in your eyes.
I want to be your cause.
I want to be your princess.
You said I was a perfect crush for you.
I feel the same.
Perfection terrifies me.
But somehow, my feet are not turning from you.


Til this princess finds her true prince, I won't give in to once-upon-a-times or happily-ever-afters.

Ruined?

My mom woke me up this morning like usual so I could bring her to work. I got home, grabbed at glass of juice, my ESV and then sat on the steps outside my door. The sunlight was warm as it streamed across the pages of my bible and I started to read. About a week ago James and I started going through Genesis starting with Abraham and we were going to keep reading until we came to Jesus! The past few nights I have really been slacking and with how things have become between us, I wasn't sure that I would continue on with out him. But this morning I picked up where I left off in Genesis 29 where Jacob leaves to find a wife. A few minutes into reading I heard my text tone and when I opened the message it was a tweet from James. It said:

"Yes James you have just ruined one of your best friendships how does it feel?"

My heart sank. Completely fell from my chest to my feet. Of course, my first assumption was that this was about us. Which maybe it is. But who knows, maybe he is also having trouble with other friends??? Anyways, the sinking feeling was incredibly temporary! I was overwhelmed with this thought:

This friendship isn't ruined!!! This, this is Restoration!!! God is in control, and the time that James and I have to take apart from one another is a gift!

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes.
I don't know why, but I do.
And once again I find myself saying them.
I understand that people come and go.
Friends come and go.
Love comes and goes.
But does it have to hurt so much?


I am sitting in my bed right now and wondering what to do.
I want and need to talk, but there is no one.

Storytime:

After the first two weeks of summer, when it was just me (before I had a job) I was terrified of the rest of my summer. What did I have? I was in a new town where I didn't know anyone except through school, but since I didn't have a job I could not afford to drive to see my friends. Besides, I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't bear to face my friends from school. Those few days, when there was nothing but me and an open summer were terrible. I saw only two options. I could hang out by myself, or I could continue to hang out with the few kids that I did know. Kids who I could party with, drink with, and who would just let me tag along, as long as I kept my mouth shut.

Then Jordan called. And totally changed my summer. Maybe even saved it. Maybe even saved my life. Jordan has introduced me to James (his brother), Robert, DeLaney, Crystal, and his whole family. Since then, I have spent pretty much every Sunday and Wednesday hanging out with these kids. I love them all dearly. But once again I find myself asking myself, what do I have? I have a group of kids, who will love me unconditionally and who enrich my life. I have people who teach me about God, and who point to Him. I have friends who make me laugh and who don't mind if I am a little odd.

I have friends who make me cry. Being around them is so hard. It's really incredibly awesome, but at the same time...I haven't cried so much in the past five years as I feel like I have this summer. Maybe it's good. Maybe its bad. All I know is that it definitely hurts. I am jealous of DeLaney and how much Jordan just adores her. I resent Jordan for not being there at Sonshine. Ben makes me feel like he knows everything, and has already got the answers. Crystal makes me sad because I see how much she needs a father, and a godly woman to guide her. James is confused, and I see him struggling to figure everything out. I do see lots of beautiful and amazing things too when I look at these kids. DeLaney is incredible. She asks questions and is good at making you feel like she wants to know you. Jordan, the one who I probably have the most in common with as far as "experiences", can read people well. Robert and Crystal are changing in good ways since they started dating...and I am less putt off by Robert now. James, is really working hard on his heart, life, faith. I love each one of these kids......and thats why this hurts so much.

Sonshine, while didn't start this, has changed everything. James and I got closer really fast, I pulled away from Jordan. Robert and I are in a band now. DeLaney is more independent. And Crystal, well she is the only one that I don't feel blah about.

I think I have to leave them.
For a short while anyways.
And I am hoping that this is the right choice.
Because I can't bear the pain of loving them this way.
All I do is take take take from them.
Especially Jordan. I don't even know why he still talks to me.
I don't talk to the others.
Except James..
Which is all messed up now.
Worse than I could have ever imagined.

My issues with Boys has caused me to cling to him. It's sick. I let my problems in and they have lodged themselves between us. Too far. And I didn't even see the line we crossed.

Sunday, James and I sat in my car and talked for four hours. My stupid self barely remembers what we talked about. Relationships. All because I couldn't contain my crazy self. I took the class, I knew the stuff. The boundaries for boys and girls and the things they should talk about when they are just friends. I knew that communication has to equal commitment, and that we were not being smart. Well, I should have paid better attention. Because now, we have to take some time and give lots of space. At first I thought it was just fear, but now I see its more. And its hurting really [effing] bad. Tonight, was awful. There was nothing we could do. We always get paired up. Its how the group works. And the whole time I wanted to get away, from James. From Jordan and DeLaney. From Robert and Crystal. I wanted to hide in the bathroom. I wanted to vomit. There was an ache in my heart, and a brick in my stomach.

It was harder than usual. So, I think it's easiest to just stay away from them all. If I don't hang out with the group on Sundays and Wednesdays then I don't get paired with James and maybe then, something can be salvaged. Maybe after a few weeks......I don't know. What will it help? Am I just waiting for the pain to go away???

Does it even matter? In a few weeks, all my friends from school will be back and I won't have any need for these kids anymore, right? No! God, I am so hurt and confused and selfish. And all of this is because I don't know anything. Blindness has overtaken me and I am so conditioned to hide and lock things away that I can't even see them! It's really frightening when you realize that your shutting yourself out too.

What is happening to me?!
What happened to that light that beamed from my heart a few years ago?!?
Before I even left for college the darkness began to creep in.
Now, I am being consumed by it.

Goodbyes are never easy, are they?
I can't decide which is harder though...saying them, or not saying anything at all?

Nibbling

You're like a peach: wonderful and beautiful. But there's a part of you that I don't understand. I am afraid of just chomping down on our relationship because I have done this before; my teeth have brushed this core before. I don't know how to approach it and you always seem to dismiss it. I'll never be able to reach it. And I'll never let anyone touch mine. I am forced to treat our friendship lightly so that we are okay. We can only continue nibbling about the edges.

>>Levi wrote this to me. I remember reading the message while at work and being nearly moved to tears. It was true, all of the words. They were so sweet. Candid. True.

a wise friends story

there is a story about a man who lived in a dark house and all he did was stroke his brooch. he loved the brooch as it hung around his neck. it was cold and smooth and he loved it. people would tell him to look at it, to see what it was but he never did. one day, he had a guest visiting who opened the living room curtain, in order to lighten up that mans dark house. the light fell across the mans face, and he continued to stroke his prized brooch. he then lifted it from his chest into the light, expecting to its beauty and glory. but as it broke into the sunshine filtering through the opened window, sometime completely different.

a cockroach, huge and ugly, was in the palm of his hand. in disgust, the smooth and shiny shell was torn from his neck and thrown across the room, til it disappeared into the shadows. everything he once enjoyed about it, that he prided in and took joy in, that brought joy to the man, now brought vile from his stomach.

moral: sometimes, we hang on to somethings (sin) until we see how ugly and horrible they really are.

there is beauty.
if you are willing to step into the light.