Sober

I was lovesick. Love drunk.

Blinded, with diamonds in my eyes.

I put my hope and joy in our relationship, robbing God of my affections.

That was wrong of me to do. The bible calls it idolatry. Sin. Forgive me, Father for indulging in something outside of You! You are most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in You. It was so silly of me to justify my actions by claiming that you were being brought glory by focusing on my relationship with James. Sure, we sought you (he more than I, certainly) and worked on making our relationship more godly, appropriate, healthy, paced, etc. All of those things surely bring some glory to Your name. But it's a "handful of pebbles" compared to the infinite grains of sand that finding my satisfaction in You brings!

It was most strongly manifested in "the Letter" that I wrote. Written to assure him of all the things that we were trying to deal with and understand, it became a product of my obsession. In the innate quest for love, I got lost in searching for the Perfect Love that is God. I was falling in love with falling in love. I made a map for you to follow hoping that it would be enough. Pulling from the books and resources and experiences that relationships has taught me I was certain that it was nearly perfect. Of course, I realized that it was imperfect and I conceded to the idea that He might have something better planned. (That idea excited me, by the way. Being so proud of my well-thought out map and timeline...but knowing that God's was wayyyyy better!)

But it was in vain. I did it on my own. Independent of God's help, the Word.

After sharing the contents of the letter with James, I felt stupid. I saw it for what it was. And it changed our relationship. What ever it was in it that made him feel like we needed to pursue a different direction (meaning seeking Christ, and not one another) has been a blessing. Change is a matter that can be gracefully easy to deal with, or mercifully difficult. This change was challenging, it hurt at first. Selfishness made me want to keep pursuing what we had, what we were moving towards. But the righteousness written on my heart knew that there was a better thing coming: friendship.

And now, while my affections are still present, I am content in where we are today. I still like James but there is a simplicity about it that is self-controlled, peaceful, and patient. I look forward to developing a wonderful friendship and sibling-hood in Christ.

The best way to put it is this way: I feel incredibly sober.

No longer adoring him with love-goggles on, but instead the lens of Christ; I see so clearly.

And my heart is filled with joy at being able to watch my friend grow in his relationship with the Lord.

And I pray and hope that God works in me too.

God, teach me what it means to be satisfied in You. Be glorified in my friendships. May they mirror Your love for us.