I hate goodbyes.
I don't know why, but I do.
And once again I find myself saying them.
I understand that people come and go.
Friends come and go.
Love comes and goes.
But does it have to hurt so much?
I am sitting in my bed right now and wondering what to do.
I want and need to talk, but there is no one.
Storytime:
After the first two weeks of summer, when it was just me (before I had a job) I was terrified of the rest of my summer. What did I have? I was in a new town where I didn't know anyone except through school, but since I didn't have a job I could not afford to drive to see my friends. Besides, I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't bear to face my friends from school. Those few days, when there was nothing but me and an open summer were terrible. I saw only two options. I could hang out by myself, or I could continue to hang out with the few kids that I did know. Kids who I could party with, drink with, and who would just let me tag along, as long as I kept my mouth shut.
Then Jordan called. And totally changed my summer. Maybe even saved it. Maybe even saved my life. Jordan has introduced me to James (his brother), Robert, DeLaney, Crystal, and his whole family. Since then, I have spent pretty much every Sunday and Wednesday hanging out with these kids. I love them all dearly. But once again I find myself asking myself, what do I have? I have a group of kids, who will love me unconditionally and who enrich my life. I have people who teach me about God, and who point to Him. I have friends who make me laugh and who don't mind if I am a little odd.
I have friends who make me cry. Being around them is so hard. It's really incredibly awesome, but at the same time...I haven't cried so much in the past five years as I feel like I have this summer. Maybe it's good. Maybe its bad. All I know is that it definitely hurts. I am jealous of DeLaney and how much Jordan just adores her. I resent Jordan for not being there at Sonshine. Ben makes me feel like he knows everything, and has already got the answers. Crystal makes me sad because I see how much she needs a father, and a godly woman to guide her. James is confused, and I see him struggling to figure everything out. I do see lots of beautiful and amazing things too when I look at these kids. DeLaney is incredible. She asks questions and is good at making you feel like she wants to know you. Jordan, the one who I probably have the most in common with as far as "experiences", can read people well. Robert and Crystal are changing in good ways since they started dating...and I am less putt off by Robert now. James, is really working hard on his heart, life, faith. I love each one of these kids......and thats why this hurts so much.
Sonshine, while didn't start this, has changed everything. James and I got closer really fast, I pulled away from Jordan. Robert and I are in a band now. DeLaney is more independent. And Crystal, well she is the only one that I don't feel blah about.
I think I have to leave them.
For a short while anyways.
And I am hoping that this is the right choice.
Because I can't bear the pain of loving them this way.
All I do is take take take from them.
Especially Jordan. I don't even know why he still talks to me.
I don't talk to the others.
Except James..
Which is all messed up now.
Worse than I could have ever imagined.
My issues with Boys has caused me to cling to him. It's sick. I let my problems in and they have lodged themselves between us. Too far. And I didn't even see the line we crossed.
Sunday, James and I sat in my car and talked for four hours. My stupid self barely remembers what we talked about. Relationships. All because I couldn't contain my crazy self. I took the class, I knew the stuff. The boundaries for boys and girls and the things they should talk about when they are just friends. I knew that communication has to equal commitment, and that we were not being smart. Well, I should have paid better attention. Because now, we have to take some time and give lots of space. At first I thought it was just fear, but now I see its more. And its hurting really [effing] bad. Tonight, was awful. There was nothing we could do. We always get paired up. Its how the group works. And the whole time I wanted to get away, from James. From Jordan and DeLaney. From Robert and Crystal. I wanted to hide in the bathroom. I wanted to vomit. There was an ache in my heart, and a brick in my stomach.
It was harder than usual. So, I think it's easiest to just stay away from them all. If I don't hang out with the group on Sundays and Wednesdays then I don't get paired with James and maybe then, something can be salvaged. Maybe after a few weeks......I don't know. What will it help? Am I just waiting for the pain to go away???
Does it even matter? In a few weeks, all my friends from school will be back and I won't have any need for these kids anymore, right? No! God, I am so hurt and confused and selfish. And all of this is because I don't know anything. Blindness has overtaken me and I am so conditioned to hide and lock things away that I can't even see them! It's really frightening when you realize that your shutting yourself out too.
What is happening to me?!
What happened to that light that beamed from my heart a few years ago?!?
Before I even left for college the darkness began to creep in.
Now, I am being consumed by it.
Goodbyes are never easy, are they?
I can't decide which is harder though...saying them, or not saying anything at all?
