Change me, O God!

I wrote this a few months ago, and I am still struggling!


October 3rd, 2009
A million memories rush through my head,
insomnia keeps me from my bed,
and thoughts of you keep me awake
how much longer until i break
this is the part where i will admit i am getting what i deserved.
the past bridged with the present
looking to the future with blinded eyes
and muted hearts.
shame and regreat holds on tight
what is for me, for you, and for Him
nothing seems to work out the way i want
i gave it all, all that i got
and each time what i had was lost
lost between what was wrong and right
lost between the sheets
in the darkness of the night.

October 3rd, 2009
One time
was all it took to shatter the fragile world I created
built around the idea that I could do it on my own.
One kiss
and I let the mask of innocent and purity fall
in shattered peices it lay on the floor.
One touch
the feeling felt down into the depths of my body
compromise never felt like this before.
One time
was all it took to open the gates to my childhood
and let all the memories enter my life again.
One night
and a lifetime of regrets and shame filter in
adding to the already confusing story book.
One boy
came in between a good girl and her morals.
One boy
came in between a Good God and His child.
One boy
came in between a past and future.
One boy
came in to a life.
And one boy
took it
away.


God, forgive me! I am not worthy of even praising you when I can't follow what you ask of me. My unclean mind and unpure heart are stained with sin and shame and regret and I am bearing, bruised fruit from it. Lord, I want to give it up to you! Erase it from my heart, my mind, my body! Only you can do that. Restore me, Christ, that I can leave behind my lusty heart and evil mouth. I want to worship you, not man, not any man, not my body, not the way it can feel. Let me be yours. Noone elses. Not his, not the devils.
I am sorry...for always turning away Lord. How can I deny you? I am falling so short, and straying so far!

Even now I continue to bathe in sin! Wash me in Your righteousness and cleanse me! God, I can't do this on my own! My spirit is so weak...my flesh craves the attention. Why am I letting the evil one have so much power over me?! God, I can't do this! I need you! Help me to stay pure. Take my lusty desires! Blind my eyes to romance. I want only to love you! I want you! I don't want anyboy! I want you Lord!