Exhausted

I am tired. Tired of being caught up between my flesh and my spirit. I am at war, and I am trying to win all by myself. But I know that I can't do it on my own. I need Jesus. I want to want Him cause I know that without Him I will lose nothing. Yes, lose nothing.

I am guilty. I am ashamed. And I don't know if I will make it to heaven. I am afraid to die. Even though I know that the way to heaven is through Jesus, and believing in God and what He did through His son I am redeemed. But I don't feel like it. I don't feel it. I don't know if I am saved.

I am walking in darkness, proclaiming light.
This war is waging, can I win this fight?

Though my feet are heavy,
and my heart is stone,
and my mouth speaks lies,
and I feel so alone,
and tonight, this girl cries.

She cries because she is sad.
She is tired. She is mad.
Sad she can't be better.
Tired cause its too hard to try.
And mad cause she doesn't know how.

Time ticks the life away,
what do I have to show for it?
A few lines? A few rhymes?
Leftover marks from spiritual suicide?

Satan and his soldiers march.
The drums begin to drum.
The flames begin to blaze.
The earth shakes with the steps of his army.
This is war.

Closer now, I feel it coming.
Alone I stand.
Armed in nothing but shame and guilt.
The Enemy has already wounded me.

Over the horizon the waves of warriors march.
Step by step and the fear overtakes me.
I want to run. I want to hide.
But I am alone.
And this is the desert.

How can I feel your love?
How can I be saved?
How can I know you?
How can I love you?
How can I glorify you?
How can I praise you?

Face to face, we now stand.
My enemies. My temptations.

Boys. A whole line of them.
They tell me how pretty I am.

And behind them is a line of Clones of me.
Each with a shard of glass.
Each with scars on her arms, and wrists.
Each girl with a grin across those lips.

Next are the Memories.
Fighting parents.
Absent parents.
Abusing parents.

Lines and lines and lines.
I have so many enemies.

But this is between Satan and me.
The rest disappear.
So it is just I, in my rags
and he in his armor.

I look to his eyes, hoping for compassion.

I look at his armor.
Strong, and sturdy.

I look at his helmet.
And I see my reflection.

Empty eyes, thirsting lips,
a heart of stone, sadness
weakness.

But I see something else too.
Familiar, but still so new!
A robe of radiant white
and a glow of radiant light.
A crown of glory.

Can this be!?
The King of Kings?
Standing right next to me?!
Is He going to fight?!