imposter

surprised by chance or some form of fate
a meeting of lives

intertwined

before the burning of bridges

fueled by imagined thievery,

this wasn't built on that bridge. 

every moment was parallel

every step separates initial identities

every breath reveals the substance inside

every minute unites two anonymous entities;

this is what it means to become tangled. 

ideas begin to dwell 

                  to swell

                             to fill up the spaces that eloquence could never fill.

darling (that's such an endearing term,

i should like to call every one by it),

look into the mirror and read the etching

objects are closer than they appear

though, my hands are the ones sketching

doodles on the pages of hearts, not books.

this is nonsense, stitched together with threads

red and binding that no doubt, will unravel

there is beauty in the unwinding.

i'm not holding my breath.

i will not be made insecure.

my certainty is this:

i am a ruby, pink and rouged by a passion

that stands alone, that isn't fashioned

created or destroyed.

i am: not yet, but later*.

*"not yet but later", and their meaning were not my inspiration, just an idea that deserves it's proper credit to JB.

on a personal note

I spend most of my life in my room, which I affectionately call my hermit-hole, but this new year has pulled me from it's comfort and safety and into some wonderful adventures! sigh. Maybe it's the late hour, or the lack of coffee, but my eloquence is swirling between nonsense and coherent thought. Either way this is what I've been up to lately!

 dinner with Hannah 
We went to East Village Grill (in the Elliot Park neighborhood). It's a great greek/middle eastern eatery that's somali owned and run. We didn't realize that there is a curtained section for women to eat alone (as that is what is culturally appropriate) but we sat at a booth near the door, away from the men who were in there watching basketball. The service was fantastic, and the food was incredible! I ordered the falafel and hummus while Hannah ordered the gyro. Both were served with a complimentary cup of vegetarian soup (that was also delish)!

It was so nice to catch up with this little lady. Though are times are few and far between I love that we can pick up where we left off. She's always speaking words from God that I need to hear, whether she knows it or not!

 making a difference 
I went to the capital on Tuesday for Second Chance Day on the Hill. The coalition is a partnership advocating for "for fair and responsible laws, policies, and practices that allow those who have committed crimes to redeem themselves, fully support themselves and their families, and contribute to their communities to their full potential." {from their website, here.} I loved listening to the different speakers in the rotunda; hearing the passion that this community has for it's people is one reason that I love my city! Too bad I didn't stay longer and catch some great photos of the event but I only had enough quarters to pay for an hour of parking so I had to slip out early.

 new friends| Justin 

met this kid last month... isn't he such a stud? After we had our first official hang out last weekend we discovered a shared passion for travelling, thrifting, diving, old books, coffee, and too many other things to list. we met up at Hard Times cafe, shared an order of hash browns and then walked around the city. As we walked through the west bank there were bikes every where. Literally, hundreds of them. He took me to this island by his house and despite it being the middle of the night, dangerously icy and bare because winter, it was awesome. On the way back to the coffee shop I took a picture of the skyline at night. The sake of art was not on our side as we tried to take picture together and this was the best we could do. I'm looking forward to our adventure this coming weekend: thrifting and more coffee shops. ah. new best friend.

 internship 
I've been working at Mr. Zero's about 1 day a week. I affectionately call it the shop and love looking through the scores of records, used books, and vintage jewelry. When I'm actually working I often do cleaning, update the mailing list, and alphabetizing just about any and everything. It reminds me of the video store my family ran when I was younger. Anyways, City Pages featured the shop last fall and you can read that article here.


 new glasses 
Mom couldn't stand my (... okay, Sara's old glasses) so she took me to get my eye exam and 2 new frames! Why is it that the machinery looks like it's from the 50s despite our advances in modern medicine?! I'll post a picture with my lovely new glasses later.

Not to exhaust you, darlings, but there's more coming soon! I'm going to Wisconsin for a few days to catch up with some old friends (haven't been to visit since last summer for the 4th of July) and ending that weekend by going to a Wolves game with my brother. Oh, and last but not least: mom let me take the car even though I haven't paid for it yet. Which means that I can begin my mentorship at 180 Degrees!  Whoohoo! 

Garbage Day

I just came back from meeting with a friend from college. She was a big influence in my life when we lived across the hall from each other my freshman year; we haven't gotten together since then, and hadn't even gotten to talk in depth since summer 2010!!! Yikes! She treated me to coffee and our time together was really good. I got to fill her in on my life from San Francisco until current (and relevant stuff prior to this season) and she filled me in on her life in the last few years as well. I feel blessed from our time. She has some of the most sincere and genuine faith out of anyone in my life, that is presented in a way that isn't just because of God's faithfulness in the "big" things but in the day to day life with Him. I confided in her that I'm currently at a point of recognizing the chaos and dysfunction in my life, and that (until a conversation with my roommate, Sara) I had a plan for re-purposing every area of my life, except the spiritual! Like I mentioned in my last message: I think it's time that I stop avoiding God. To be honest, that's plainly what I'm doing and it's foolish, for one cannot hide themselves from God!

In my conversation with Sara she called me out on a few things. Her assessment of my life was fair, and I received her kick-in-the-pants openly because in all honesty, she is right. I work maybe 30 hours a week, sleep 6-10 hours a day, and spend the rest of it virtually on myself meaning, literally virtually (online) and it's all centered around me and my "cool" lifestyle... read about it here. She encouraged me to get off my butt and serve somewhere. I'm blessed right now with a great deal of free time to use for the kingdom... and finding a second job (which is necessary to become truly financially stable). As she was pouring out this tough love I remembered a quote by Gandhi that was transforming for me in high school. "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

When my life was in need of changing direction, I was propelled into motion while in service to others. It was after I began my active involvement in my home church that faith as living action happened in my life. It was after I started joining activities/sports in school that I made my homework a priority. It was after I volunteered in programs in my community that I learned personal responsibility. Kelsey said, "do first, feel later." You don't get the feel-good feelings and endorphin's from working out until after after you've ran 3 miles. You don't get true satisfaction from fleeting, deceitful feelings; in fact, they often lead us astray (though as we align with God's will, delighting in it, our desires--our feelings-- align with His, and that's why He loves to give us the desires of our hearts. That's true feeling, desire, and satisfaction.) 

I woke up the other morning and felt completely defeated. I remember tweeting: I'm not in a field, a maze, or on a train. I don't exist in those places. I am missing. Those are three different places that I've envisioned as metaphors for spiritual living. Yesterday, after going to Bloom church in the morning and then our fellowship gathering in the evening I became aware of why I can't identify my placement. Sara asked me a few weeks ago, "Janell, which Kingdom do you live in/for?" I didn't, couldn't, answer. But as our friends sat around last night talking about prayer, the body and the kingdom I realized that I haven't been living in the kingdom that God brought me into. In all honesty, I am fully living, serving, and pursuing a worldly life right now. 100%. It's like being adopted by the King into his kingdom, sharing in the inheritance, but choosing to remain living in the alleys of the town which he called you from. I've traveled from my home kingdom, to dwell in the filth of another. Not that I've lost my place or inheritance, but that I've left it behind because "the grass is greener" in the world (LIE); it's almost a prodigal story. There was some scripture shared that brought this together for me though I forget what verses.

As I write, God is gracing me with more vision to how each of these places are connected; they are one metaphor and not many! I'll share it with you once it's written out! Well, I wanted to have a more conclusive end to those first few paragraphs, but forget how I was going to tie it up. Perhaps just this thought: our lives are constantly in motion, no matter where we are. And that I have assurance (contrary to where I was a few years, even just 6 months ago) that I am sealed in the inheritance and that God won't let me wander astray forever. He will continue to call my name, inviting me home every time. I want to have a heart tuned to hear this call, and a spirit willing to obey, the strength to repent of myself, and a soul that longs for Home. I have done a good job in trying to quench that flame, but it's one that never goes out, thankfully! If you think to pray, pray that this flame would be fanned, and that the heat would warm my cold feet (my bridegroom is waiting for me), and that I would turn toward Him in humility, obedience and that I would be drawn to him, desiring him!

weekend

Have you read my latest post about some loose ends in my life? I vowed to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out. I claimed Saturday as my day to begin breaking ties and it was an interesting day.

I started by going to lunch at Panera with my mentor and friend, Sorina. We talked over soup and after our meeting, we parted ways. I hopped on the bus and made my way downtown; on the bus I met some kids who are on Tumblr. That's us when we got off at the same stop. It was one of those, "nice to meet you, goodbye!" then get off at the same stop awkwardly. This is hardly a flattering photo but it had to be done. After we finally and truly parted ways I began walking the streets of downtown alone. There is something so comfortable about those streets.

When I got to Mariah's place her mom was visiting; they were hanging some of the great photography that Mariah has shot since living in Minneapolis. They were a great team! Seriously, check out her work it's stellar! I'm proud of the work she's put into this passion and it carries over into her quality. Most recently I'm falling in love with her urban portraits and candids from her neighbor hood and city life: the heart of the city. Mariah and I went up to campus.

After running into a few old friends I walked over to Lindsay's apartment for dinner and a movie! I got to meet some of her friends and despite being the baby of the group, I felt accepted. We started to watch a Cary Grant film but ended up just having some great conversations. We talked about Deliverance ministries, spiritual giftings, and my relationship with Justin (did I mention, we're sorta talking again?) and other things too. It was a really great night! I made some new friends and look forward to seeing them soon. Hopefully.

Sunday was Sunerchomai. And Arianna spent the night. In a sort of quarter-life crisis I chopped of my hair; I've been growing it out for over a year. It looks really cute but I already miss my long curls.

              Reflections:             
A lot of the time things don't work out the way I expect. And this was no different. Going through the streets on Saturday didn't bring me the closure or independence I hoped for. I'm still an unraveling, tangled mess of a girl. And I'm kinda okay with that. If I learned anything out of the hair-cutting crisis it's this: 3 am is a bad time to make decisions.

Well, off again! 

Another Loose End

It occurred to me tonight that I should not be bound. I cannot be tied, tethered or chained. I've claimed to be a wandering soul, never lost but always searching, and yet I am beyond content to sit in my cozy, hermit-hole and live virtually. My heart is starved for adventure, explorations and discovering this world.

This winter has been one of warmth 

and perfect weather for traveling.

But daily I'm content to sleep away my mornings 

(the hazy glow of the sun behind my curtain lace is too 

enticing and beautiful to miss by leaving the confines of my bed)

while sipping endless amounts of  c o f  f e e  at my desk in the afternoon. 

Even as I write this now I am indian-style on my worn floor with tea, 

now chilled from the late night hours! Why? 

I'm pleading with myself and there is no reason that I can fathom to excuse myself. A thread of my existence is afraid to leave home because honestly, I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself not to go searching for him. Perhaps the thought of crossing paths by chance thrills me but also terrifies me. And there is a part of me that believes I can't adventure with out him; that it won't be the same. Ah, but it's coming back to me now: the peace I found when wandering vaguely familiar streets alone. I remember a time when I was content to drive in my car for miles and miles; it didn't matter where I was going as long as I was in  m o t i o n. There is freedom in being able to stop and stare in awe of a rundown building re-purposed. There is freedom in walking in the footsteps of millions of others but remaining anonymous.

a n o n y m o u s

There is freedom in seeing sights innumerable eyes have seen.

And there is freedom in witnessing what others have never seen. 

This is the end of endless hours in front of a screen; the end of virtual me.This is my loose end and resolution: to untangle myself from virtual living and to tie myself to life lived out.

places i'll go {one day}
Chicago, IL
San Francisco, CA
Portland, OR
Seattle, WA

Saturday, darling, you belong to me.