Even though I should most definitely be going to sleep I have too much in my head to rest. This weekend has been very emotionally trying. My mind is going in many directions and I don't know where to start. It's been almost a year since I last went to Spooner to visit; the last time I was there was for Chris' funeral. And even though you'd think that would be a major contributor to my emotional state I doubt the sincerity of that statement. Chris helped me through a lot of the stuff post-Tate (is my life ever really "post-Tate"?) drama and being back in town knowing he was there threw me off balance. There is a fine line between my fear and desire to see him. Until I found out that he married Alyssa (who has a baby with Tate's brother Titus...) and welp, that pretty much ruined my ability to think right there. My heart stopped for about a minute and my mind started to sizzle and fry until I regained most of my composure.

On top of that I am still dealing with lingering feelings and thoughts on James. It's much better than a few months ago but I'm still not okay with everything. I accept it, and am blessed by the "break up" but the consequences of investing so much of my heart into him and that relationship are rippling through my life. To be sincerely honest with you despite all of the time I spend being affected by it, I haven't actually spent any time processing through and learning from it. Guessing that means it's about time to do another relationship-related post, huh?

Life

I've been busy lately; if only I had more time to do all of the things I am working on right now. Between my bumping social life, working 30+ hours a week, going to church, photography, story, writers group, working out, looking for a car, meeting with my mentor, getting set up for school and the endless cleaning I always find myself doing it's no wonder that my blog has been slow. I owe you a proper update on the matters of my heart..... my heart needs it too.

Red, White, Black and Blue

Monster

She wonders if it's true

"the first cut is the deepest"

and in one night

it all comes unglued

just when the pain faded

a memory returned

leaving her hurt and jaded

the boy who knew it all

didn't bother to call

blue eyes peircing deep

reaching down into her soul

blindly, she followed him

and let herself go

became a monster

almost

bad was never bad enough.

 06/08/2010

"God is all that matters. My past isn't what defines me, refines me or even what guides me. God, help me let go of everything else, cling to you, forgive as you forgave me, and heal my heart. Arise in my life like you rose from the grave! From ashes to embers ablaze!

Tonight, affirmed to me that I need Christ to overcome my pain. I am so hurt by my friends that I can't even love them. And especially James... I mean, he was my best friend. For 1o months we talked more than anyone else. And then poof! It's all gone and there isn't even ashes left from our friendship! Ending our relationship didn't just mean breaking up. It meant ending everything. I guess I should be used to it by now. My friendships all tend to be that way.

Which is why, though it sucks, I'm going to be okay with the closing of my other friendships. Til all that remains is Christ. I just, I really hate that they don't seem to love me. It's like, I am something ugly that they avoid and can't stand to even look at. It's almost worse than the cold hearted and cruel way that Tate removed me from existence (in his world) in 9th grade. I didn't exist to him. I don't exist to them. I am nothing....

But, Christ is my victory. Christ is my joy. My light. My hope. My friend. And if losing all my other friends will help me love him and see him as all these things... if losing them means gaining him... JESUS, TAKE THEM! Be clear though, I need your guidance and I need the certainty of the conviction that comes with the Spirit! Please, help me. It hurts so badly sometimes."