Loud enough

I love him. In some sick, twisted and sad way, I love him. I have for so long and I just wish things were different. He is being deployed this month sometime. He will be gone. He is gone. I think he was gone the day I walked out of that house. When the screen door closed and my breath hung frozen in the air as I paused on the stoop that brisk fall day and let out a frustrated sigh; it was over.

Don't do it.
I deleted his number so that I wouldn't pause over it as I looked through my contacts list.
So that I wouldn't think about him so much.
So that it would make it easier to deal with the fact that he doesn't love me.
That after ten years of being brought together, and torn apart, after all the time and space and things we went through, after everything I had given to him, shared with him, he still didn't love me.

I wonder if he ever thinks about  me.
Does he miss me?
Does he regret telling me he wanted nothing to do with me?
His smile again, his hazel-green eyes, his crooked smile: it's tearing me apart.

God, how can I love him so much? The past few weeks have been great! I don't remember the last time I even thought about him....oh wait, yes I do.

This day. Just a few hours ago. Less than two. I was joyful in the Lord, being brought to tears at how He provides. I was at The Undivded. I asked God to send someone to me to pray for me, and He did. She came over (Jewel) and just asked if she could pray for me.

I mean, with in a few minutes of asking for Him to reveal Himself that way He did.

But after that a darkness seemed to settle in.

And now my music can't get loud enough.
And I wish I could just go driving in my car and drive too fast.