Not Tonight

Down. But not out.

I looked once again to his profile. Just seeing his face breaks my heart. I don't know why I love him so much. No, this can't even be called love. It's some kind of sick obsession. It's unreal. I mean, we went four years without any contact before, and it was fine. I stilled loved him. And I guess I never really thought goodbye meant goodbye. 

But this time is different. 

He deleted me off his friends awhile ago. But today I realized that he for once stuck to his word. He said he wanted to start over and that he was picking who was in his life and who had to go. I had to go. But so did alot of other people. That makes me feel better. But I still hate it that I wasn't chosen by him to stay in his life. I mean, what did I do?

Why didn't I get to stay?

And how come I even care.

We were gonna get married. We talked about it. Committed. Loved. 

But love isn't enough.

Not this kind of love.

I just feel so...I can't even explain it. Maybe I should get off my butt and eat an apple or an orange or something.

Maybe I should just cry.

I don't do that so that option is out.

I wish I had someone to talk to. But even though I have so many people who love me and who would be willing to listen, what do I say? Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I feel like shit right now! Thanks for asking!

It doesn't work.

I don't have anyone here who knows. 

Who feels this.

I am alone in this one.

It's just me and God, and I am so ashamed that I can't even turn to God. 

I just don't really know how to feel. 

All that I guess I really know is that I have things to do.

A life to live. 

And love to give.

God, help me to turn this over to you. I know that I need Your help in this. I gave you SMS and wasn't the last time I got totally real with you? Phew! That is quite a while ago! One or two years almost isn't it? God, I need to let go. Its been too long and I need to let go. I need to let go. I don't want to. I mean, I do. My mind wants to. But my heart wont. Or is it reverse? I can't tell. 

Time to put on my makeup.

Time to get up.

Get out.

Cause this boy isn't going to stop me tonight.

No.

Not tonight.